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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ Anger ~

Posted by @amberpep, Dec 13, 2017

I don’t know how many of you saw my post about anger down farther a bit, under Same old – Same old, but I’m wondering if this is a “normal” reaction. The reason I want your input is because it’s the total opposite of the way I normally responded to things like this. I would “sit with it” through the whole holiday, feeling miserable and sad ….. sort of a pity party. And, as you can see, now it’s totally flipped. Good grief ….. what next? Hopefully moderation.
abby

REPLY

Hi, @amberpep — sounds like you are seeing changes in your reactions and are trying to figure out what to make of it, especially anger.

I think that some of our fellow Mayo Clinic Connect members may have some input on the anger, like @texas1950, @welshcarer, @parus, @mlbaier, @regshello, @hopeful33250, @contentandwell and @jimhd.

@amberpep— can you summarize here in this thread what prompted your anger and why it seemed so different for you to react that way?

@amberpep

Hi, Abby. Only ten days until the big day. I get the anger. It’s an inborn response mechanism that should be healthy, but can be hard to control. I take assurance in the fact that even Jesus expressed his anger at the defiling of the temple.

I’m not sure what you’re angry about exactly. You surely have a number of things to be angry or emotional about. You’ve survived things that have sent many people to the grave, and you’re still adjusting to your move, another thing that a lot of people have been very unhappy about. My therapist would tell me to think about what’s causing the anger, and ask myself if the anger is helping me. Sometimes I hate it when he says that to me. Yesterday I was having a dip in the depression, and though it was good to talk about it, the dip continued.

Oh my, there are so many ways to deal with the anger and express it. We experience anger for a nearly infinite number of reasons. For me, the anger can be a problem, especially when it comes to expressing it to the person whose words or actions have made me angry. For me, that’s the really challenging part.

Since you wrote yesterday, have you seen any change in your anger? Have you found a way to work through it? One approach that’s offered is to accept the feelings, and not ignore or deny it, but let it be there. If you’re like me, the tendency is to dwell on it too long. At some point, we begin the next step of letting it go and releasing ourselves from its grip. Hopefully sooner than later.

As always, it’s good to hear from you.

Jim

@amberpep
Hi Abby:

I think of anger like nuclear energy – it can provide lighting for an entire city or it can destroy an entire city if it becomes a bomb. It is all what you do with anger. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) was started by a group of mothers who lost children to drunk drivers. Their anger at what happened to their children created this organization that has helped to effect drunk driving in the U.S. through new laws of zero tolerance.

Anger is not a bad thing, in and of itself, it all depends on what you do with it.

Teresa

Hi all …. sure, I can tell you exactly what made me angry. I couldn’t go up to MD to see my therapist this week because my car was in the shop being repaired from the accident I had. He “understood” but then said it might be good if I find someone closer to where I live so I wouldn’t have to make the trip up to MD every other week. Immediately, that little kid inside me said, “there you go …. tossed out again, thrown aside, too busy for me” ….. just like my parents and my now X-husband. I’ve been with this therapist for 12 years and he’s seem me through many crisis, and, for the first time in my life I have learned that there are a few men I could trust …… something I never believed before. He would joke about my “special little group” of men I trusted which included my son, my sil, and my therapist. Maybe he’d no different than the rest …. well, all done with you ….. I’m too busy, my schedule is packed, so out you go! So reminiscent of childhood and marriage. The first day I was devastated. By the next day I was furious, and just seething with anger. Now, I’ve tempered down a bit, but believe me …. when I get in there in Jan. we are having a direct discussion about this. What a horrible time to do this – Christmas, when that’s one of my worst times of the year. But, I guess he’s too “packed.” He’s the one who said a long time ago that we were going to dismantle “good Suzy” (which shocked me because I thought that was the way I was to behave), and let her evil twin out once in awhile. Well, he just may be sorry he ever said that. After 12 years with one therapist, with everything we’ve gone through and covered, if he thinks I’m starting over with someone else, then he’s nutsier than I am!
abby

I am so with you with the anger. Every time I feel tossed out or abandoned I get really angry and throw a hysterical crying jag just like a child. I am seeing a therapist who is doing some PTSD on me for those feelings from childhood. Today my sister told me she was going to another financial advisor instead of me after all I did for her. It was all I could do to hold it until she left. I don’t trust men at all. I was never sexually abused but got anywhere in the workforce because of my looks. I am depressed now that I am older and feel I won’t be accepted because of age decline. So I am angry at being taken for my body instead of brains, losing clients, getting older and acting this way each time this happens.

For years now I have had these angry outbursts-never around others. I become outraged for no apparent reason and I do not relish these tantrums. It is my understanding that this is PTSD. It is uncomfortable. I will be doing something and feeling okay and out of nowhere the anger strikes. I don’t know what to do with this unreasonable irritability. I do know I stay home. In one of those angry modes and want it to go away. I start destroying things.
Where I am today. No motivation to be productive in any way. Anger is exhausting.

@parus

For years now I have had these angry outbursts-never around others. I become outraged for no apparent reason and I do not relish these tantrums. It is my understanding that this is PTSD. It is uncomfortable. I will be doing something and feeling okay and out of nowhere the anger strikes. I don’t know what to do with this unreasonable irritability. I do know I stay home. In one of those angry modes and want it to go away. I start destroying things.
Where I am today. No motivation to be productive in any way. Anger is exhausting.

Jump to this post

@parus Yes, it is exhausting – no doubt about that.

I hope that you find a way out of it.

Teresa

Liked by Parus

@mlbaier

I am so with you with the anger. Every time I feel tossed out or abandoned I get really angry and throw a hysterical crying jag just like a child. I am seeing a therapist who is doing some PTSD on me for those feelings from childhood. Today my sister told me she was going to another financial advisor instead of me after all I did for her. It was all I could do to hold it until she left. I don’t trust men at all. I was never sexually abused but got anywhere in the workforce because of my looks. I am depressed now that I am older and feel I won’t be accepted because of age decline. So I am angry at being taken for my body instead of brains, losing clients, getting older and acting this way each time this happens.

Jump to this post

Hi @mlbaier. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I really hope you find some relief soon. If interested, take a look at the PTSD information Mayo has out on the web- https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20355973 Under coping and support I read….Take care of yourself. Get enough rest, eat a healthy diet, exercise and take time to relax. Try to reduce or avoid caffeine and nicotine, which can worsen anxiety

You’ve found the right place to connect with others here.

Since this post is about anger-I am highly irritated by that badge reminder popping up every time I change what I am viewing. Reminders and rewards are nice I suppose-for some. Deal with thus or leave the site-I will deal with it!!

@parus

Since this post is about anger-I am highly irritated by that badge reminder popping up every time I change what I am viewing. Reminders and rewards are nice I suppose-for some. Deal with thus or leave the site-I will deal with it!!

Jump to this post

Hi Parus, I, too, am frustrated by the message that pops up about badges. It isn’t behaving the way it should. When you click close, it is supposed to go away and never come back. We thought it would be a good way to let members know about new features on the site. I have submitted a request to the IT team to remove it. I think everyone has seen it enough!

Apologies for the irritant. We won’t use this tool again until we can be sure that it’ll behave as it should. Thanks for your patience.

@colleenyoung No need to apologize as this type of thing happens. The intent is a positive. Yes, we have all seen it enough and your reply has provided me with some much needed comic relief. The “IT” team-how funny as I see cousin “it” from a long ago sit-com. I believe they are called thus because folks sit and comment. Some things in life are consistent.

@parus

@colleenyoung No need to apologize as this type of thing happens. The intent is a positive. Yes, we have all seen it enough and your reply has provided me with some much needed comic relief. The “IT” team-how funny as I see cousin “it” from a long ago sit-com. I believe they are called thus because folks sit and comment. Some things in life are consistent.

Jump to this post

Thank you for that chuckle, Parus. I think you’re referring to the Addam’s Family and cousin itt. Haven’t thought of that show for eons.

Oh my goodness, I do so understand your anger. We all have friends that sail through life don’t we? The perfect childhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect children who have perfect marriages and perfect grandchildren and then the perfect retirement. Why do some have such a life and some have so many problems and so many struggles? We will never know the answer to that but if (like me) you don’t have the perfect anything then we need to find a way to cope with what we do have.
My brother and I were physically abused by our father and beaten for our entire childhood / young adult years. Maybe it is understandable as my father had in turn been physically abused by his father. Years ago, I chose to forgive our father but (even as we both approach our 60’s) my brother still harbours great anger about it. When my daughter was born I knew it was within me to be abusive to her too. She was a difficult baby. I was in a strange country where I knew nobody and she never slept. I was exhausted. I could have been violent at times. However, I chose to break the cycle and not carry on as previous generations had.
My daughter (who is now a single mother) has mental health problems and I choose to spend as much time as I can with my 7 year old grandson to give him respite.
Three years ago my mother (who lived in Spain) came to live with me as she had dementia. I could have put her in a home but I chose to have her living in our house. It is exhausting and depressing dealing with all the problems in my life.
But I have been made to realise that although it may seem like a Hobson’s choice everything that robs me of my independence and patience and sanity has actually been my choice. When I can acknowledge that, I feel much better. When talking to people about my situation, I used to say ‘I had to give up a good job to look after Mum’. Now I say, ‘I gave up work to look after Mum’. It was my choice. It is sometimes hard to see this but it is true.
Also, never underestimate the power of good nutrition to counteract unhealthy moods. Try to make sure you cut right back on sugar and alcohol and all the things that give you a quick high but make the situation worse in the long run. Try to eat healthily and make sure you are getting the right vitamins and minerals. A lack of B vitamins or iron can increase feelings of anger. If you can afford it, find a good nutritionist to advise you.
Learn how to be Kind to YOURSELF. I am still trying to do this! In fact the person who most of my anger is directed at is ME. Making silly mistakes makes me angry. Being frustrated with Mum makes me angry when I know she can’t help her behaviour and I should know better.
Be thankful for the blessings in your life. I know it can be hard when you can only see the negatives but there is always something to be thankful for. Knowing you have a huge pile of ironing to do might make you feel angry HOWEVER there are people who would give anything to be well enough to be able to physically do that ironing. So as you pick up that iron, say thank you that you can actually do it.
Lastly, (if you are still awake after all this!) try this for immediately calming you down. Breathe in deeply to the count of 4. Hold for a count of 7. Breathe out to the count of 8. This immediately puts your body into a more relaxed state. (I use it often, especially when holding on the phone for ages and wanting to reach inside the phone and strangle the person who says repeatedly: ‘your call is important to us and will be answered shortly’!). It is also very good for helping you to sleep. Do it before going to sleep and again if you wake up in the night.
I hope some of the above will be of help to somebody.

@welshcarer

Oh my goodness, I do so understand your anger. We all have friends that sail through life don’t we? The perfect childhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect children who have perfect marriages and perfect grandchildren and then the perfect retirement. Why do some have such a life and some have so many problems and so many struggles? We will never know the answer to that but if (like me) you don’t have the perfect anything then we need to find a way to cope with what we do have.
My brother and I were physically abused by our father and beaten for our entire childhood / young adult years. Maybe it is understandable as my father had in turn been physically abused by his father. Years ago, I chose to forgive our father but (even as we both approach our 60’s) my brother still harbours great anger about it. When my daughter was born I knew it was within me to be abusive to her too. She was a difficult baby. I was in a strange country where I knew nobody and she never slept. I was exhausted. I could have been violent at times. However, I chose to break the cycle and not carry on as previous generations had.
My daughter (who is now a single mother) has mental health problems and I choose to spend as much time as I can with my 7 year old grandson to give him respite.
Three years ago my mother (who lived in Spain) came to live with me as she had dementia. I could have put her in a home but I chose to have her living in our house. It is exhausting and depressing dealing with all the problems in my life.
But I have been made to realise that although it may seem like a Hobson’s choice everything that robs me of my independence and patience and sanity has actually been my choice. When I can acknowledge that, I feel much better. When talking to people about my situation, I used to say ‘I had to give up a good job to look after Mum’. Now I say, ‘I gave up work to look after Mum’. It was my choice. It is sometimes hard to see this but it is true.
Also, never underestimate the power of good nutrition to counteract unhealthy moods. Try to make sure you cut right back on sugar and alcohol and all the things that give you a quick high but make the situation worse in the long run. Try to eat healthily and make sure you are getting the right vitamins and minerals. A lack of B vitamins or iron can increase feelings of anger. If you can afford it, find a good nutritionist to advise you.
Learn how to be Kind to YOURSELF. I am still trying to do this! In fact the person who most of my anger is directed at is ME. Making silly mistakes makes me angry. Being frustrated with Mum makes me angry when I know she can’t help her behaviour and I should know better.
Be thankful for the blessings in your life. I know it can be hard when you can only see the negatives but there is always something to be thankful for. Knowing you have a huge pile of ironing to do might make you feel angry HOWEVER there are people who would give anything to be well enough to be able to physically do that ironing. So as you pick up that iron, say thank you that you can actually do it.
Lastly, (if you are still awake after all this!) try this for immediately calming you down. Breathe in deeply to the count of 4. Hold for a count of 7. Breathe out to the count of 8. This immediately puts your body into a more relaxed state. (I use it often, especially when holding on the phone for ages and wanting to reach inside the phone and strangle the person who says repeatedly: ‘your call is important to us and will be answered shortly’!). It is also very good for helping you to sleep. Do it before going to sleep and again if you wake up in the night.
I hope some of the above will be of help to somebody.

Jump to this post

Hi there ….. first of all CONGRATULATIONS to you for breaking the family cycle of abuse. That is not an easy thing to determine and then follow through with …. I know because that’s what I did. Part of what you said, hit the nail on the head …. ever since my divorce, I hate to cook. And this who was previously considered a great cook ….. not so anymore …. now it’s mostly Lean Cuisine dinners for supper, and often I don’t even eat lunch. I know, I know ….. that’s awful. I’m also a sugarholic ….. love chocolate. For some reason it’s just not fun to cook for 1 person. When I lived in MD I had a friend in the same condo building as I did, who had Parkinson’s, but was still able to stay alone. Each week I’d make a real good meal – enough for her to have 2 meals and me to have 1. Now I live in VA, which I’m not crazy about, and there’s no one to do that for, so I just don’t. There is an elderly couple on my floor who are very, very, frail and I will probably start to make them a meal occasionally. But, I have to be careful. She just had a bowel obstruction operated on, she’s had open heart surgery, and neither of them look good at all. They could well live in an Assisted Living facility …. it would be better for them. Once I talk to them and find out a bit about their eating – what they like, don’t like, allergies, etc., I think I might give that a whirl. I hope they will receive it as intended. Sometimes folks reject that kind of help, even though it’s well intended.
Thanks so much for all the good suggestions … you’re right on spot with me.
abby

@welshcarer

Oh my goodness, I do so understand your anger. We all have friends that sail through life don’t we? The perfect childhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect children who have perfect marriages and perfect grandchildren and then the perfect retirement. Why do some have such a life and some have so many problems and so many struggles? We will never know the answer to that but if (like me) you don’t have the perfect anything then we need to find a way to cope with what we do have.
My brother and I were physically abused by our father and beaten for our entire childhood / young adult years. Maybe it is understandable as my father had in turn been physically abused by his father. Years ago, I chose to forgive our father but (even as we both approach our 60’s) my brother still harbours great anger about it. When my daughter was born I knew it was within me to be abusive to her too. She was a difficult baby. I was in a strange country where I knew nobody and she never slept. I was exhausted. I could have been violent at times. However, I chose to break the cycle and not carry on as previous generations had.
My daughter (who is now a single mother) has mental health problems and I choose to spend as much time as I can with my 7 year old grandson to give him respite.
Three years ago my mother (who lived in Spain) came to live with me as she had dementia. I could have put her in a home but I chose to have her living in our house. It is exhausting and depressing dealing with all the problems in my life.
But I have been made to realise that although it may seem like a Hobson’s choice everything that robs me of my independence and patience and sanity has actually been my choice. When I can acknowledge that, I feel much better. When talking to people about my situation, I used to say ‘I had to give up a good job to look after Mum’. Now I say, ‘I gave up work to look after Mum’. It was my choice. It is sometimes hard to see this but it is true.
Also, never underestimate the power of good nutrition to counteract unhealthy moods. Try to make sure you cut right back on sugar and alcohol and all the things that give you a quick high but make the situation worse in the long run. Try to eat healthily and make sure you are getting the right vitamins and minerals. A lack of B vitamins or iron can increase feelings of anger. If you can afford it, find a good nutritionist to advise you.
Learn how to be Kind to YOURSELF. I am still trying to do this! In fact the person who most of my anger is directed at is ME. Making silly mistakes makes me angry. Being frustrated with Mum makes me angry when I know she can’t help her behaviour and I should know better.
Be thankful for the blessings in your life. I know it can be hard when you can only see the negatives but there is always something to be thankful for. Knowing you have a huge pile of ironing to do might make you feel angry HOWEVER there are people who would give anything to be well enough to be able to physically do that ironing. So as you pick up that iron, say thank you that you can actually do it.
Lastly, (if you are still awake after all this!) try this for immediately calming you down. Breathe in deeply to the count of 4. Hold for a count of 7. Breathe out to the count of 8. This immediately puts your body into a more relaxed state. (I use it often, especially when holding on the phone for ages and wanting to reach inside the phone and strangle the person who says repeatedly: ‘your call is important to us and will be answered shortly’!). It is also very good for helping you to sleep. Do it before going to sleep and again if you wake up in the night.
I hope some of the above will be of help to somebody.

Jump to this post

I’m so glad to be of some help. If you have the gift of cooking, then yes, it sounds like an excellent idea to find people who need that.
Something I forgot to put into the post was (and let’s face it, it was already WAY too long!): Negative thoughts – I’m an expert on these. You give me any situation and although on the surface I’ll be positive, underneath and in my head are all sorts of really negative thoughts and ‘what if’ situations being churned around. I made up my mind that I was not going to be like that anymore (it’s only taken me nearly 60 years to reach this stage……). So, each time a negative thought starts to pop into my head, I immediately say ‘STOP’, either out loud if I’m on my own, or in my head if I’m in company (no-one wants to be considered weird do they?) . It takes a while to get into the habit but I was determined to start turning my life around and it has honestly made a huge difference, along with all the other suggestions. I feel much more positive (hopefully that WILL continue – heck no, that wasn’t positive enough – I KNOW it will continue – see what I did there, using a more positive attitude!) and my Mum seems more relaxed too because I am not so strung out. I much prefer living my life like this than the old me. So all you lovely people out there: my prayer for all of you is that you have the best Christmas you’ve had for a long time remembering what Christmas is REALLY about, that HE came because HE loves us so much! If HE loves you that much, then you can love yourself too and start living the life you should have. Love to everyone from Wales (UK)! x

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