Anyone dealing with a spouse or partner who is an alcoholic?

@mic129
From experience, the only way to deal with an alcoholic spouse is to get away as soon as you can. They probably won’t change and it’s affecting your mental and physical health. There are agencies that will help you navigate the process of divorce and change. It’s not easy and I hope you have family support. I was working and had that support but still moved to another state..sold the house and all that entailed…..same age then as you are now but I had no organic health problems aside from a profound hearing loss. The hearing loss was a major challenge 30 years ago before captioned phones and assisted listening devices.

It’s always “easier” to stay..don’t do it…and threats don’t work. You’re stronger than you think.

FL Mary

Al-Anon Family Groups, hope for familes of alchoholics. Go to six different meetings before deciding if it’s for you. There are a tons of meetings on zoom all over the world - though going in person, for a newcomer, I’d recommend, There is literature available at meetings, most of it free. Living with an alcoholic is tough, Al-Anon can give you some relief. I promise!

I don’t mean to be glib, but in my experience, I learned early in my own recovery and attempting to help family members get sober a few statements that help me keep perspective.
“ an addict/ alcoholic will only change ( maybe) when the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing”
Example , I only entered treatment 41 years ago when an intervention laid out my options ( all bad) if I did not agree.
And I knew they meant what they said
Most loved ones/ enablers protect the addicted from the consequences of their behavior
Get involved in Al anon, learn you do not have to be a victim
My father only sobered up at age 83 when his last enablers ( 3rd wife and me, only sober son) said get help or get out
He lived to age 91, sober!
My Niece ( age 66) will not get sober because her last enabler,
Her mother still thinks in spite of 50 years of evidence to the contrary that if she just loves ( enables) her enough, her daughter will quit drinking
It took me many years to learn that true love is tough love
I wish you well , but remember, if nothing changes. Nothing changes

@mic129, as you can see from the replies from fellow members, you are not alone. Unfortunately, many have a loved one struggling with addiction, and they may admit they have a problem and often they don't.

Here are two links from related discussions with helpful tips and information,

- How to help someone recognize they need help? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/how-to-help-someone-recognize-they-need-help/
- Any online support groups for family members of Alcohol Use Disorder? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/any-on-line-support-groups-for-family-of-pt-w-alcohol-use-disorder/

In addition to the comments from @imallears @willow5 and @nadanoel, I'm also tagging @michelle0517 and @rowt2 to share their coping skills to get through tough times and situations of a loved one in active addiction.

@mic129, there are services and organizations, as Mary mentions, that can help you navigate the financial constraints keeping you in the relationship. You also mention that you feel you cannot remove yourself emotionally from the situation. Can you explain a bit more. What is tying you emotionally to make a change?

Hi, I am a recovering alcoholic and my boyfriend of 28 years could not stop drinking. I had to move out of the house, although I still very much loved him. I had to stay sober and I could not live with him drinking. After his health started to decline, 6 trips to the ER in a 2 year period, diagnosis of cirrhosis and other health issues, I found him (in the house we lived in for 19 years and that I moved out of when I got sober in 2017) dead in the floor. It was and is the worst thing I have ever felt. He could not stop although part of him wanted to. That is what alcoholism does. He was a great person, he just could not quit drinking. My advice for you is to go to al-anon, maybe even an open AA meeting to get some support and listen as others share your experience and can help. I am sorry you are dealing with this, and he stops drinking for himself. In the meantime, you can only take care of yourself. That is important.

My daughter was an alcoholic and the police stopped her for a DUI. She sat in a jail cell overnight and got "home detention" where they installed a device in her apartment that monitored her breath and assigned an officer to check for alcohol. If they found anything, she was going back to jail. She got sober, found out that she felt a lot better NOT drinking and definitely didn't like jail. She never looked back. She has been sober for 13 years and strongly against any alcohol. Refuses to even date anyone who drinks alcohol. It is a total non-starter. Maybe the court system works for some? It worked for my daughter. I guess they call that "scared straight"...? She never went to AA and just quit thanks to her DUI and the monitoring she was required to go through. Maybe people could work with the local police to catch alcoholics and put them through the established penalty system? If I had known this would work so well, I would have called in her license plate and saved us both 15 years of heartbreak and a terrible car wreck that nearly killed her 5 years before they stopped her. Alcohol kills. And maims. And destroys family life. Toxic stuff and fortunately the court system has a penalty in place that works - at least for my daughter. I'm so grateful.

I want to simply say, I love him but I feel it’s getting to the point where that isn’t enough anymore. Part of me doesn’t want to be alone, I’m afraid I can’t make it on my own and don’t want to be a burden on my children. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I’m also afraid of what will happen to him.

I feel that it’s heartbreaking to try and make a life with an addict who doesn’t want to get help, they don’t want to change anything because they don’t believe that there’s anything wrong. If you tell them that they’re hurting you it doesn’t make any difference because they’re selfish, the addiction makes them this way, they lie to themselves that they don’t have a problem. There is hope for them but they have to want it and it’s starts with them admitting that they’re sick, alcoholism is an illness and it will kill them if they don’t stop, God helps those who help themselves.

I just wanted to add that I am not being judgemental, I speak from experience and I’m no stranger to this painful feeling of despair, try to stay positive and make sure that you look after yourself, the caregiver is often overlooked in these situations.

I quit drinking 28 years ago for myself and my wife. It has to be done for yourself first so you will release how alcohol has taken over control of your life. You will have a better life and live much longer by quitting.