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Adult Grandchildren ungrateful or what?

Posted by Judyinjeans. @judyingenes, Jun 16, 2023

Am I being unreasonable to expect recognition and a simple thank you for gifts sent to adult grandkids? I am so upset right now; I’m almost making myself sick.
I am talking about my younger son’s 2 children who have never sent a thank you (even a texted one) without my son telling them to. His kids are on their own and his daughter just graduated from college. We don’t live near one another but do keep in touch through out the year.
This past 12 months I have sent Christmas and birthday gifts and again no unprompted response! My granddaughter just graduated from college and again no response for a wonderful gift that I sent to her.
Why does this make me so upset? Am I being unreasonable?

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frouke | @frouke | May 10 8:21am

With all due respect to Richard Feynman, a noted recipient of the prestigious Nobel Prize for his contributions in Quantum Physics, he was reputed to have very tumultuous relationships with several wives, some who have reported that he was very boorish and constantly distracted from his relationships being forever absorbed in his work. It is not uncommon that people like him especially those involved with science often do not make the best relationships with their family members. I would have to say that if you want to make a reference to a credible source it would be best to look into what their strengths are. The issue here is how we feel about our relationships with children and grandchildren and I truly doubt that he is a viable source of reference in this case, just my opinion.

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willow5 | @willow5 | May 10 9:03am
In reply to @frouke "With all due respect to Richard Feynman, a noted recipient of the prestigious Nobel Prize for..." + (show)
Profile picture for frouke @frouke

With all due respect to Richard Feynman, a noted recipient of the prestigious Nobel Prize for his contributions in Quantum Physics, he was reputed to have very tumultuous relationships with several wives, some who have reported that he was very boorish and constantly distracted from his relationships being forever absorbed in his work. It is not uncommon that people like him especially those involved with science often do not make the best relationships with their family members. I would have to say that if you want to make a reference to a credible source it would be best to look into what their strengths are. The issue here is how we feel about our relationships with children and grandchildren and I truly doubt that he is a viable source of reference in this case, just my opinion.

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@frouke
I have one old-fashioned niece. Her girls send me a handwritten thank you card for gifts.
I strive to give with no expectation of return or thank you, but it is difficult and I do get my feelings hurt when I hear nothing, plus sometimes just knowing it was received (like a gift card) is a matter of wanting to know hey, did it get to you? Anyhow, it’s a hard one and clearly I am not alone in having feelings about kids not saying hey, thanks!

And worry is not a problem for me - i don’t have to worry about anything - so I will gladly win the lottery and enjoy spending it or giving some away. 😊

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rashida | @rashida | May 10 9:54am
In reply to @howardrlewis "@judyingenes No, sharing is not bribing. Helping is not bribing. I remember when my dad helped..." + (show)
Profile picture for howardrlewis @howardrlewis

@judyingenes No, sharing is not bribing. Helping is not bribing. I remember when my dad helped me out with a loan so I could buy a house. I paid him back at a reduced interest rate and I did that for my kids too. Some people are not in a position to have extra money. So, I am glad to be able to have this opportunity.

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@howardrlewis how was your relationship with your dad? As close as yours is with your own children and grandchildren?

Some people are not in a position to have extra money, but respect for each other, thoughtfulness and common courtesy/manners cost nothing.

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mtnmarge | @mtnmarge | May 10 9:55am
In reply to @sisyphus "When we do not know the HOW -- including whom, when, but mostly WHY -- of..." + (show)
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When we do not know the HOW -- including whom, when, but mostly WHY -- of gifting/giving then we debase ourselves, and may even harm the other.

One reason I do not play a lottery ticket (which is only a few times a year, and costs a couple dollars) is when the prize goes over one million.
Why? Because then I'll have to worry MORE about how to BEST give my money away.
In other words, giving has consequences: good And bad.
Hustling for one's feeling good as by having the receiver at least recognize your giving is to have devalued oneself even before the act of giving.

Good giving requires work -- effort to ensure it will, to the best of your sincere efforts to ensure it will do good/reduce harm to people-and-nature around us.

Even a Nobel Prize winner, the late one in physics, Richard Feynman, has said of them as only epoulettes. just flourishes, on one's shoulder. The Pursuit of knowledge is its own reward. I think he wud say: Doing the GOOD work alone is the reward, whether it is via your time, money, status, strength, health....
Yes. we say,'thank you often' many times a day, but it's just a formality -- without Really feeling grateful. And BOTH sides know it. To expect otherwise is to forget that good must be done even when it's Not recognized. That's a good rule for a good life.

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@sisyphus Really appreciate your response. You said it all. In my adult years I don't recall ever expecting anything in return when I have given. A 'thank you' is nice, but my self-worth and inner mind is at eased, and pleased (gift to myself). Sometimes it appears as if those that are closest to us are the ones who expect a gift (material or emotionally based) without the need to say thanks. I also have a problem with the younger folks who seem to forget us. When they were younger I tried to make their lives meaningful and happy. That was a joy for me - just seeing the smiles and hearing the laughs- That worked until they became older and started living their own lives. Today it seems to be up to me to initiate a visit or an outing....no spontaneous calls, no 'drop in visits'. Ah well, I am proud of myself for not having treated my grannie and my aunts -they were there for me and when I grew older I was there for them. Sorry for the length of this -the lack of caring on 'their' side is hurtful and bothering me for quite some time.

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rashida | @rashida | May 10 10:18am
In reply to @willow5 "@frouke I have one old-fashioned niece. Her girls send me a handwritten thank you card for..." + (show)
Profile picture for willow5 @willow5

@frouke
I have one old-fashioned niece. Her girls send me a handwritten thank you card for gifts.
I strive to give with no expectation of return or thank you, but it is difficult and I do get my feelings hurt when I hear nothing, plus sometimes just knowing it was received (like a gift card) is a matter of wanting to know hey, did it get to you? Anyhow, it’s a hard one and clearly I am not alone in having feelings about kids not saying hey, thanks!

And worry is not a problem for me - i don’t have to worry about anything - so I will gladly win the lottery and enjoy spending it or giving some away. 😊

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@willow5 I love buying and giving gifts and give for the pleasure of giving, not expecting anything in return, because I rarely got a gift growing up (it was a cultural thing - gifting was not the norm). A simple thank you, however, does feel good - and says a lot about the recipient … not to mention the parent(s) of the younger recipient.

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howardrlewis | @howardrlewis | May 10 2:31pm
In reply to @rashida "@howardrlewis how was your relationship with your dad? As close as yours is with your own..." + (show)
Profile picture for rashida @rashida

@howardrlewis how was your relationship with your dad? As close as yours is with your own children and grandchildren?

Some people are not in a position to have extra money, but respect for each other, thoughtfulness and common courtesy/manners cost nothing.

Jump to this post

@rashida You are completely correct. The best memories I had with my dad was that he was my best friend. He helped me out but I understood the value of his help. There were times I was broke. I really mean that I did not have enough money for food. But, I want to help while I can see the results of my help. They will inherit money and property but I will be dead and they would have had to endure more issues that could have set them back.

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isadora2021 | @isadora2021 | May 11 5:04am
In reply to @willow5 "@frouke I have one old-fashioned niece. Her girls send me a handwritten thank you card for..." + (show)
Profile picture for willow5 @willow5

@frouke
I have one old-fashioned niece. Her girls send me a handwritten thank you card for gifts.
I strive to give with no expectation of return or thank you, but it is difficult and I do get my feelings hurt when I hear nothing, plus sometimes just knowing it was received (like a gift card) is a matter of wanting to know hey, did it get to you? Anyhow, it’s a hard one and clearly I am not alone in having feelings about kids not saying hey, thanks!

And worry is not a problem for me - i don’t have to worry about anything - so I will gladly win the lottery and enjoy spending it or giving some away. 😊

Jump to this post

@willow5 Agreed.

My parents brought us up as young children to write thank you notes for gifts we received and couldn’t say thank you in person. There came a time when they stopped checking whether we had written. It was on us to write or not write.

Not saying thank you for a gift from a loved one is just rude. Even if you didn’t like it! You just thank the giver for the kind thought. You don’t have to lie and say you liked it if you didn’t.

It’s not healthy feeling resentful and getting stressed/upset by others’ bad manners.

So I simply stopped buying expensive gifts, and making a big effort to find just the right gift, for those who couldn’t be bothered acknowledging the gift and ideally letting me know how much they loved it.

I still buy them gifts but just don’t go the extra yard so it doesn’t hurt if the gift drops into a void!

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