Adult Grandchildren ungrateful or what?

It is not unreasonable to expect a thank you for a gift given, especially from an adult. Ask yourself what part of not receiving a thank you note bothers you the most. Does their lack of response make you feel forgotten or lonely? My own mother once complained to me that my kids did not send her thank you cards or call, despite being raised to do so. I told her to stop sending gifts and to find children in need who would indeed be thankful. There are plenty of them out there. She never took my advice and continued to send things and continued to be disappointed and upset. When people continue to do things that have less than favorable outcomes, it is usually because they have an agenda. They want something. It could be they want recognition, love, acceptance, power, etc. Once you realize what you want from the "transaction", you can find other ways to get it without such a cost to yourself. You can start to send cards instead of gifts. It is a way for them to know you are thinking of them and wish them well. You can call them and see if they are interested in deepening the relationship with you by talking and communicating more. If these things go unreciprocated, it may be best to put your time, energy and dollars towards people who can give you these things, if they are so desired.

Personally, I don't think you are unreasonable. I don't know how old you are, I'm 82, for a little while. There are just some things that aren't like the times we grew up in. My grands live in Canada and I'm in the States and when they were younger than 18 and 15.5, I would get occasional letters.

There is so much truth in what @monarchbfly said. My life used to be pretty empty, so I filled my life with 'them'. I would see them twice a year pre-GCA,pre-Covid...but if I wasn't writing them, I was sewing for them, pjs, quilts and it was because I needed them so very much. I'd mail boxes of Dollar Tree stuff every holiday including another coffee cup and dishtowel for whatever holiday was at hand. A patient son and wise daughter-in-law first just asked if I would stop sending the bundles every holiday, "Honest, Mom, we appreciate the thought but we throw most of it away or donate it." Plus, it would cost me $45 to send $15 worth of 'stuff'. I sent them personalized note cards, stamps.....but this is where I landed. After a few years, the joy of giving them something and surprising them outweighed anything. They call, sometimes we FaceTime, text---a lot? No, but enough. I've come to see how busy they all are keeping life going ...it took me a while, but I savor what I can get. I'll be going to Canada next Thursday for my grandaughter's high school graduation and then she'll be off to college. I'm sure I won't hear much from her after that.
What we really want, I think...is to hope they think of us, the way we think of them. They are at the age where they are going to live forever...we aren't. I only had one grandparent, grandfather, and I took him for granted and thought he'd be here forever. I think that is a lot of what bothers us.
I don't know if this will help...tips don't work for everyone. About every three months, I sit at the computer and type each of them a letter...just telling them I loved them. I'd ask a ton of questions, never get answers, and I'd babble on about what I was doing....no strings or expectations...I did it for myself and didn't expect an answer. I still do that. But if it eats at you,....time to go to gift cards, maybe to Goodwill; just kidding. You aren't unreasonable, but it just isn't 1950 or 1960. Remember, it isn't a reflection of their love.💞

Judyinjeans, You are not being unreasonable. Please try not to let it upset you. That is not good for your health or emotions. It's very common in a lot of the younger generation and it is very selfish I think. It seems a lot of the younger folks (not all) can be self-absorbed. The fast paced technology has ruined our teenagers/adult kids to a degree, I think. Handwritten notes and phone calls are almost a thing of the past. I find the 40-80 year olds are the ones that are more responsible with notes/cards & phone calls. We are from the old school. It is common courtesy to thank someone for a gift. I apologize on their behalf. I know that you are hurt deeply because you love them deeply. Bless you sweet Judyinjeans, you are a wonderful Grandma!

I would send future gifts with a note asking them for feedback. Let them know you wish to send items they will enjoy.
The alternative is to send them a note or call a few weeks prior ask this same question. Encourage them to send you a list of wishes.
If that works out and they still don't contact you, I would donate gifts to charity. All you can do us all you can do.

All Social (not business) connections to be authentic -- and therefore rewarding to EACH SIDE -- where each side gets from the other that is of 'Equal' worth, even if what one gives to the other is very different than what the other provides.
This is crucial for sincere-and rewarding social connection, whether between family members or real-friends.

Older folks who complain for not receiving from other younger ones when they are grown up are Not asking for a social connection, but a connection that they is one-sided -- even after the other side has made it clear thru their actions -- and therefore unhealthy for Both sides.

Pragmatically, we all want social connections within a community where we ideally can-and-do physically meet twice a week either on phone or in person.

Too bad too many of the older folks -- often with all the time in the world -- have so few meaningful connections -- including myself despite devoting good part of Every Day to have one, both by attending events where people gather. I've even planned an ad in local newspaper to meet in a public place exchanging ideas about healthy living. After all, what is the choice but keep trying new ways -- the need to too strong to ignore.

Hi Judyinjeans,
What a sad situation! You are not being unreasonable expecting a thank you for gifts. That is normal! You are a good person who remembers your family. The adult children are being very impolite and rude and they ought to know better! I would suggest you save your money, time and health and just ignore them! No more gifts, cards, or communications. They don't deserve it! You have done all you can. Maybe that will shock them into doing the right thing. Sometimes we just have to accept life as bad as it is. You sound like a generous giving person. Maybe you need to find someone who needs help and will really appreciate a Christmas gift. Best of luck!
PML

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. These days, most people are staring at their phone all day. Why can't these ungrateful brats send you a quick text? I have had this experience, too. Fortunately, it was not with my grandchildren -- at least not yet. It was my nieces. First, I would have to buy what their mother told me -- exactly. I would do it. Then, they demanded cash. I then sent cash, well checks. I asked my sister to please have them just send me a text that they had received the money and to say thank you. They refused. I see no excuse for this considering I know that they text all day. Some of these relationships are a one way street. When it came to occasions celebrating me, I would never even hear a peep out of them.

I am really sorry you are experiencing this for a couple of reasons. First of all, it is clear that you love your grandchildren. I wish they could show you some appreciation. Secondly, and probably worse, I think it is sad how these self-absorbed people are missing out on some of the best, irreplaceable relationships of their life. I don't know if my grandparents knew it, but I bet they did. I considered them some of the best friends of my entire life. Now that they are gone, there is no replacement. About your grandchildren, I feel both "shame on them" and I feel sorry for them at the same time. Showing gratitude to, and sharing life with, grandparents is one of the best things life has to offer.

I agree and this type of too common of a situation brings to mind the song by Harry Chapin called Cat's in the Cradle. So sad.

Bless you for being a caring, loving, frustrated Grandmother. I, too, am in the same boat. For all occasions, I now send gift cards. No fuss, no guessing. They, too, never respond. I guess I blame their parents and technology. My friends complain about the same thing. Time to re-invent yourself. Only do what makes you happy and leaves you fulfilled. We all have bad days. Replace them with something that makes you happy. Spend your “fortune”now on good works.

You are not being unreasonable at all! I and other friends are going through the same thing. Give, give, give and....nothing. All I/we ask for is maybe two tiny words...thank you (?) or perhaps, I really enjoyed that or...???? You are only human. So don't beat yourself up about feeling bad. Kids can be incredibly ungrateful. It just goes with the turf of being a kid...narcissism abounds. As for me, I can't help but feel disappointed each time I give and get nary a word in return. Be gentle with yourself!