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A parent with an adult daughter in crisis with depression
I am a married mother, living this summer (summer home) with my daughter, her husband, and three young children. She has a history of being demanding and controlling, obsessed with weight and body image. Most importantly, this has devolved into long period of depression when she basically stays in her room, sleeps all day and barely eats. She insists she can get through these periods, which can last two weeks or so, sithout significant help. She insists she can ge through it on her own, and finally comes out of it. But it takes a terrible toll on her family and husband. This last time it is lasting at least two weeks. She barely eats. She has panic attacks, and confides that she feels deeply sad, won't harm herself (which I believe is true, but is in a real crisis at this point for lack of food and sleeping nonstop. Her greatest fear is being "taken away" (i.e. committed). Honestly, I don't know where to turn because I know enough to recognize that she is insistent on controlling the situation, but I also fear for her life if she doesn't get help. She is terrified of being separated from her kids. If I try to intervene she gets hysterical. We have a good relationship, and she feels I am supportive of her at this time, but I am frankly terrified. Any advicse would be deeply appreciated.
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@kat4321 I am and have been since 2012 in a similar situation. I have had to raise my two grandchildren since, although they are now on their own and over 21 years old.
I get what you say and what you are going through. There is no question it is a difficult situation for so many reasons. There isn’t a single and easy answer and it is near impossible to “make” a severely depressed person do anything that a non depressed person would do. Sometimes there aren’t clear cut permanent solutions. As much as some of their behaviors are often selfish in nature, they are many times the product of the illness and not a lack of care and love for the children. I am sure she would give an arm for them if she had to. Having said so, of course it is paramount to protect the children. I hope you know you are doing what any loving and responsible mom would do for her adult child. I hope you take care of yourself in the process and I hope you know there are lots of people in the same situation. If you are able, remember you are doing your best. Peace and love to you.
“She says she can handle it so let her live her life.”
This is not good advice!!
What you are describing is a person in a severe mental health crisis that she doesn’t recognize.
You describe her as controlling and overwhelmed, but not by what (if you know).
She’s retreating to her room with panic attacks and (probable) depression. Her appetite is severely affected (anorexia?).
What’s your relationship like with her husband? Is he as worried as you are?
Talk to him and devise a plan which might involve talking together with her about what is going on. It could help to make it clear that NOT seeking help is not an option.
Perhaps you or you and her husband could accompany her on her visit to a psychiatrist who can help you all construct a plan.
It’s important for you to know that given the situation you describe, an involuntary hospitalization might occur—especially if nothing is done.
This is her worst fear—yet she is bringing that about. If she joins with you to get help now, she will be avoiding her worst fear.
You might also bring up the effects this is having on the children. Does she really want to be causing her children pain?
Emphasize that action must be taken NOW!
If there is an emergency psychiatric service near you, going there would be a good first step.
Good luck!!
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