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1yr since she had her heart shattered, she can't let go.

Posted by @londonlady in Just Want to Talk, Mar 12, 2012

I wonder if anyone can help on this as I've tried all that I think I can.

My mother (now 56), was in a 7yr relationship with a man of a different nationaility. He said at the start that his parents may arrange a marriage for him, but he thought he was now too old for this (he was 48), plus - he loved my Mum and wanted to be with her.

7years later, he's studying at university but the relationship is still strong, until one day he rings and says "I am getting married, we are over, please never contact me again".

My Mum is stunned, he refuses to answer questions.

A week later, he calls, except it transpires he is calling from his wedding reception (!), again, saying the relationship is over. He then turns nasty, and amongst other things, wishes my Mum dead.

As you can imagine, when a relationship ends suddenly and with no warning or real explanation, you are hit with all kinds of emotion - my Mum was (is) the same. She lurched from anger, to stunned, grief, anger, etc.

The relationship ended in April 2011 - and my Mum is still no better emotionally. She used to be fun, now being with her is an emotional drain and I *hate* myself for saying that, I really do.

She still cries about this man, she's very bitter, she wishes for him to hate his new life - she hates his new wife even though this poor woman was oblivious of my Mum so in essence, she is innocent.

I've tried being gentle with her, I've been understanding but as time has gone on I feel she is harming herself more by remaining bitter, so I've been slightly more harsh with her "Dwelling on him will burn you up inside, achieve nothing and could prevent you meeting the perfect person as they see you day in day out, with an angry scowl on your face", that kind of thing.

The sad thing is she says she knows I'm right.

She's had counselling which helped a little, but I feel she's just turning things over and over all the time.

I feel that 11months is now ample time to be angry and upset and now she should be moving on - but she can't. This anger is now no longer directed just at the man who hurt her, woe betide someone accidentally bumping into her - they get a stream of, well, you can imagine! She was never ever like this before but now she's angry at the world.

I apologise for this being such a long first post but would appreciate any advice that can be offered.

My Mum is not a religious person, so suggestions to turn to her faith, whilst appreciated and kind, would not be of use to her (sorry if that offends, it really isn't meant to).

Thank you so much in advance for any extra advice you can help on this. x

Tags: emotional issues


Posted by @mainelady, Mar 12, 2012

Your mom can be set free by beginning the process to forgive this man. It does not make what he did was right or okay but a gift she gives herself and those she loves and love her. To even acknowledge the desire to forgive is a start. I understand the overwhelming feelings that come up - jealousy, hatred, anger and so on. A quote from Nelson Mandela; resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. Thank you supporting you mom and I will pray she will be set free.

London Lady likes this

Posted by @londonlady, Mar 12, 2012

Hi Mainelady,

Yes, to me, the forgiving part is true. We've both agreed that what he did was wrong and that he must've been weak (his brother married a woman from a different religion, yet my mother's ex did not have the courage to 'stand up' to his parents), and also heartless - would anyone want to be with a partner who acts like that?

I've said she needs to be relieved that she has found out this mans true colours but as soon as she takes one step forwards emotionally, she seems to take 3 back. I'll always be there for her but I feel now like I'm running out of things to say to help her out of this slump she's in.

Many thanks for your reply, it really was very much appreciated.


Posted by @missyalora52gmailcom, Mar 14, 2012

My daughter, with 3 children is going through the same thing . She is very angry at her x. I used to be her confidant' and now she says she no longer wants a relationship with me. I just gave her space and tried to concentrate on my own life. It has hurt me a great deal.

London Lady likes this

Posted by @londonlady, Mar 15, 2012

Hi - sorry for late reply, was away for few days.

That's sad to hear your daughter has said that to you, if she won't speak to you or see you, maybe write to her - but obviously keep the letter neutral, simply saying how much you miss seeing your grandchildren or you saw something in a shop perfect for them, can you bring it round? That might be the way to slowly get your daughter to open up again to you.

I'm reluctant to give my Mum too much space, simply for the stupid fear that "What if she does something silly?". She lives alone (widowed), and she never used to drink, but when I was round there on the last few occassions, lets say she now has a pretty extensive spirits cabinet, most bottles half full. She doesn't drive so that's one scenario (drink driving) that doesn't concern me, I just don't want her to be sat at home 'drowning her sorrows'.

I don't know - It was pretty hard being a teenage daughter with a strict Mum, it's now like our roles are reversed and it's no easier with me being the grown-up!


Posted by @roxie43, Mar 15, 2012

Its amazing how loved one's suffer when someone's in pain. It sounds like she is directing her anger at her x to you. It is hurtful but the best thing you can do is let her know you will always love her and then step back. Hopefully, she will come around and you can re-establish your relationship.
Sometimes people just need time to sort out their feelings. It must be painful and I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom is my best friend but lives in another state. Your daughter does not know how lucky she is.
Hang in there.


Posted by @roxie43, Mar 14, 2012

Matters of the heart can be so difficult. You may think 11 months is enough time to get over a heart ache but everyone's different. He could have been the love of her life or made her feel alive. I think the way he did things was devastating because there was no closure for your mom.
My parents divorced when I was 19 and I'm in my forties and I'll be honest my dad never got over it. To him marriage was for life.
How about finding mom new activities? Are there any social clubs where you live? Or, would she be interested in meeting someone knew like a dating site?
You sound like you love your mom very much but you need a break to live your own life.
That had to be traumatic almost like a death to her. I can't imagine being with someone for almost a decade and one day he's gone but then gets married. That's a blow to a persons self esteem.
All I can say is let mom know you will always love her, she did not do anything wrong, give her some suggestions that could occupy her time and at the same time meet people and then back off.
You can't be doing more than mom. Mom needs to, eventually, when ready come to terms with what happened and learn how to live and love again but time frames are unrealistic when it comes down to love.

London Lady likes this

Posted by @londonlady, Mar 15, 2012


True, I know we are all different in that respect - some of us can take such a blow, dust ourselves down and be fine in a few months, yet others much longer.

It's just a concern that after almost a year she doesn't seem to be making any headway on emotions...yes, this man was the love of her life, she admitted she thought they would "marry and grow old together" and I think she keeps dwelling on that thought and as she lives alone, it's just going round and round in her head.

You must've read my mind on the activities and baking away part, I know she'd never go somewhere new alone so I was going to be looking into some kind of evening class (that would appeal to both sexes), that I would attend for a few lessons until she'd met a few people there and then I'd silently slip into the background.

I did consider dating sites but it would have to be a strong man who would be able to see the wonderful person my Mum is through all her heartache right now, so I think the evening classes would be a good move to boost her up.

Thank you, I'm going to start looking into classes - I'll even subject my un co-ordinated dangerous self to dance classes if needs be!


Posted by @roxie43, Mar 15, 2012

I too lost the love of my life. I left him, a house and dogs behind. At the time I thought I was doing the best thing, deep down, I still think it was best as he was 15 years my senior and was so grouchy and moody.
He truly loved me and I thought the grass would be greener with someone new.
What a mistake that was! I spent 7 years with a sociopath and pathological liar.
A valuable lesson but I have a little solace in that my one true love will always be my friend and although we will not get back together we will always care for each other.
The heart and mind are so influential when it comes to love. I think activities will help your mum. I also think that telling her she did nothing wrong and that she lost her love due to cultural obligations and beliefs might help her understand that he perhaps loved her but could not go against his customs.
It's a very sad story and I hope that time and activities will help your mum heal and be able to enjoy life and love again.
Make sure you're also being good to yourself because caring for our loved one's can be stressful.
Take care


Posted by @roxie43, Mar 20, 2012

How's everything? How are you? Are you taking care of yourself in addition to mum?
Best Wishes,

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