I give up - I can't seem to make any progress

AS I said in my original post, he refuses to have surgery. Sure he has high blood pressure and asthma but the surgeon we saw said they can handle that.

There is little quality of life for me as he wants me around all the time. Thank heavens I was around and caught the flaming potholder before it really got out of hand. He, naturally, doesn't want to do anything.

We are fighting about hiring help a couple times a month and (heaven forbid) asking his daughter who lives 5 miles away to help with grocery shopping. As I also mentioned in first post, she is always TOO BUSY. She had Thanksgiving at her house but didn't invite us because she didn't want to listen to him moan and groan when he moves!!

I am in tears as I post this. This is getting way out of hand.

I did "hire" someone to come in to help with house cleaning but he called her and canceled it. I like a clean house and can't live like this. I can do general things, but heavy vacuuming, scrubbing kitchen floor are difficult. Laundry is no problem, and (no I am not crazy) I love to iron as I find it away to deal with things. I can drive and shop but have some trouble with heavy things like bottled water, etc. For the grocery bags, etc. I get the rollator he refuses to use and use that to bring the heavy items in the house.

@kartwk Oh, my, I’m so sorry that it has come this far and you feel that he is a hazard. Is there a 3rd person, his doctor or minister, or a good friend, who could sit with both of you and help both of you talk about the problem? The doctor’s office may have a social worker on staff who would be able to do this for you.
Do you think something like this might work?

@kartwk, I am concerned when I hear you say that this is getting out of hand. And I want to strongly urge you to make an appointment with his doctor for an examination. This is not the way you/or anyone should be treated. Your health and his health are at stake here.

Kartwk, There might be more going on for him in addition to the pain and frustration that he acting on. If you were my neighbor or my sister, I would tell them to call the doctor add make an appointment. When has he last been to his doctor for a check-up and examination?
You should call today so that you can get it scheduled. Will you do that?

Wow! So sorry to hear what you're going thru. It sounds like you're working so hard to do the best you can for him.
I think Becky's suggestions are extemely important to consider. Especially if there's someone that your husband may be more receptive to. It sounds to me like there are emotional, physical, and social extremes that are creating an unsafe environment for both of you.
My dad could be very inconsiderate, pushy and angry when we took turns caring for him. For some reason he was mostly that way with my sister. Lots of hurt feelings. We did notice that certain care givers would actually have a calming affect on him. Hope you can reach out to those resources. Ernie

@kartwk- I can only reiterate what Rosemary indicated as her concern. I also think that "out of hand" means dangerous to me. You can't live in a situation that puts you in danger. My husband caused a huge flood in the bathroom. Although it didn't cause bodily harm to anyone it indicated that things were changing with him and I needed help to get him help.

If your husband doesn't want to go to the doctor with you or with you in the room, then call and speak to his nurse. Explain that you are living in a dangerous situation, that things need to change, and that he should be seen.

My husband was stubborn and when I went to the doctor with David, the doctor could see that things had changed very quickly.

I'm not sure that more talk will help, but something needs to change!! Please call his doctor!!

He just had his annual physical and except for the hip, etc. Doc says he was fine. BUT he's not the same when he is with the doc. Then he is, shall we say, super alert. He is getting slow on the intake over the years and sometimes I have to explain something to him so he understands it better.

Our Doc has recommended several times he have the hip surgery. The group he recommended us to has many outstanding surgeons. Hubby has talked to folk that have had it done and are pleased with results, but he just won't do it. He did get involved with a traveling
pain doc" who has his patients lined up like planes waiting to take off, comes in, give shot, leaves. The nurse answers questions etc. I didn't like that. His daughter swears by this guy, but then she is always changing docs (except for this one....hmm). She wants him to stay with this guy. I posted about him on my other post.

Off topic, and just because I want to tell someone.....the daughter, who is quite heavy wanted to lose weight for her son's wedding. She found a doc that gave her one of those compression machines and the whole outfit for arms, lets, torso, etc.! Heaven forbid she stop eating Burger King and a half of tub of ice cream dailey. You get it. Yep, as soon as the wedding was over she was done with that "diagnosis" which I believe was lymphedema (sp). She didn't lose any weight in my opinion, just kind of pressed it around a bit. Except for this pain doc, she finds docs that tend to move around...they are there and then they aren't.

As I told Hubby, I want him and I to go to a Doc that remains in the area and has an established practice. One can find out more about them etc. Our primary doc has been in his practice over 18 years, and the surgeons recommended have an outstanding reputation in our area and also are not fly by night.

Thanks for letting me get the above out. It can get difficult when I start trying to rationalize with him about his daughters advice and recommendations.

@kartwk you said he is hyper alert with the doctor, so the doctor cant hear or see what youre experiencing. Have you thought of carrying your phone, set in the record mode, in your pocket? It might make a difference!

That is a good idea.