How do I grieve an estranged family member?
My son and his family have been estranged from us for over 5 years. My daughter in law died a few weeks ago. We were not included in the final arrangements.
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Thank you
I plan to attend a grief-share group. I did love her. I tried so many times to re connect. This is so hard.
Ok. Thanks for your advice
shardin10, This helps me with so many things [Serenity Prayer],
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
❤️P
I’m very sorry to hear about the sad situations with family members…I also have the same thing with my family and extended family. I must say that I had a big part in pushing them away. I don’t think we were very close to begin with but over time it worsened…when I got a cancer diagnosis in 2020 along with the start of the pandemic I started to decline in my mental well-being as well as physical. I always believed that some families grew closer when a member gets sick, however it didn’t go this way for me…my ability to argue with them or to try and make things better isn’t there, they have never been really sick and they possess the compassion of a stone. I have bigger battles to cope with and I am putting myself first because I have to, it comes down to survival and that’s what I am trying to do…no matter how strong you feel about the whole thing it’s still an ongoing struggle to keep them out of my mind, it’s like my head just keeps bringing out memories and this is my biggest problem, I love my family but life can be very stressful and I am trying now to put myself first.
I adored my brothers, although they treated me horribly. They estranged themselves from me decades ago. Then they stole my inheritance from our grandparents. Then the younger of the two estranged himself from everyone. His ex-wife divorced him because he and her son didn't get along. After my brother's death, she held a bar memorial for him and invited my mother and other brother but not me! After I became homeless with metastatic cancer, my mother died. My wealthy older brother again stole my inheritance! I feel cheated out of having a family. The song vows, "I'm gonna make you love me. Yes, I will." No, you won't. You can't make someone love you.
So sad. I am so sorry that you lost the relationship with your brother. Estrangements are a terrible loss.
I hear you about the "causes." Several of the estrangements I know about are about ridiculously petty things. I know of some where one of the people just wants to have a "chosen family" from their own generation and shuns all of their biological family for no "cause" at all. For me, a person that really values family, that is all very very sad. You are right that we just have to find acceptance and comfort in whatever way we can.
I am so so sorry. I feel every word of this message. I am not a counselor, but I am not sure you "should move on." As a mother, I think I am incapable of moving on from something like you describe. It seems to me that you have no choice but to try and find acceptance of the situation. As a non-expert, my hope for you would be that you could gradually spend less and less time thinking about the loss of that relationship and more and more time with people that enjoy your company and doing things you enjoy. I would hope you could find ways to spend your time that do not trigger the pain of the loss of that relationship. I pray that you find things and people to fill your life and make it meaningful. I don't think I would ever be capable of completely moving on from the loss of relationship with my own child. I will pray for you and your daughter and granddaughters.
nrocpop, Thank you so much for your understanding as a Mother. I keep saying the same thing. Essentionally, how do I "move on" from my one and only child and my precious granddaughters. I have failed to be able to do so. My daughter is from my husband who died at the age of 28, and I was 23, so she is the daughter of the love of my life, making it all the harder. She has been the focus of my entire life from the day she was born. When she was born, my husband was in the same hospital in Cardiac ICU, waiting for his first open heart surgery. I found out later that the Drs decided to wait on the surgery until she was born so that he was able to see his daughter before he went in for his surgery. She was just 15 months old when he died. He had two open heart surgeries in a year. So, my feelings for her are also entangled in all the memories of her father. Again, thank you for understanding from a Mother's point of view. My counselor just doesn't seem to get that. And thank you for such wonderful advice. Your response was truly beautiful. ❤️
P
I think you are right. Even though counselors are well trained and mean well, sometimes a person really is unable to know how something feels if they have never experienced it.
My heart really goes out to you when I read about your husband, daughter and granddaughters.