How do I grieve an estranged family member?

I will! Thank you, and I too wish I’d found Griefshare years ago.

My interest was piqued by the title of this discussion, "How Do I Grieve an Estranged Family Member." All grief is tough, but this is especially so, as there is generally a lot of unfinished business in a relationship with an estranged family member or friend. Even if the individual was not estranged but suffered perhaps from mental health issues and was not easy to relate to, the way through this type of grief is difficult. There is no doubt about it!

I did find some good thoughts in a book written by David Kessler (he co-authored a book with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). In Kessler's book, The Sixth Stage of Grief, he has a chapter titled, Complicated Relationships, (chapter 8). He discusses Finishing Our Unfinished Business; Forgiving; and a section about the Stakes are Higher in Grief. While it doesn't offer any easy way through this type of grief, it does offer ideas and most importantly, a helpful perspective.

The book was available at a public library near me. If you want some fresh ideas on dealing with this type of grief, I highly recommend it.

So many of us have an estrangement story.
In our case it happened over stolen inheritance, which I think is common. My husband ran and built a successful family business with his father. His siblings were never involved in the business, the commercial real estate, or any aspect. They still received many benefits as my husband and I totally financed their parents thirty year retirement, and their healthcare needs during lengthy illnesses in the last few years of their lives.
It’s a long and complicated story, but my father-in-law named my husband’s older brother (who is a lawyer) executor of the will, and he managed to cut my husband out of the estate completely. We could have sued of course, but my husband refused to sue his siblings.
Now, they act like they don’t know why we want nothing to do with them! They blame the estrangement on us.
One sister is mentally challenged and her care was set up by her parents for the rest of her life. She is now older and in poor health. Navigating some relationship with her, and avoiding the others is tricky. Also, as we all are getting older, I wonder what happens when spouses pass on, and family becomes more important?
I guess we have to figure it out as we go along, but it is difficult.
Since I am the in-law, I was always more clear eyed about they type people the siblings have always been. I don’t feel the loss so much, but it is hard on my husband.
Sometimes eliminating toxic people, even close relatives, is all you can do.

However you choose to grieve is up to you entirely. I’ve learnt there’s no better or worse way. Estrangement may mean you feel left out. But you have your own private ways to honour her and grieve. Remember with estrangement the grief is not only for the deceased but also for the relationship you could have had. This can make it doubly hard. My brother died estranged from me. We were close as kids. I never stopped loving him and missing what we could have had if we were in touch. I am not religious but we were brought up going to church, and my first comfort after he died was to go to church and light a candle. I talk to him sometimes. I just grieve however I need to. Allow yourself to go with it. I wish you all the best for the journey ahead.