How do I grieve an estranged family member?

I will! Thank you, and I too wish I’d found Griefshare years ago.

My interest was piqued by the title of this discussion, "How Do I Grieve an Estranged Family Member." All grief is tough, but this is especially so, as there is generally a lot of unfinished business in a relationship with an estranged family member or friend. Even if the individual was not estranged but suffered perhaps from mental health issues and was not easy to relate to, the way through this type of grief is difficult. There is no doubt about it!

I did find some good thoughts in a book written by David Kessler (he co-authored a book with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). In Kessler's book, The Sixth Stage of Grief, he has a chapter titled, Complicated Relationships, (chapter 8). He discusses Finishing Our Unfinished Business; Forgiving; and a section about the Stakes are Higher in Grief. While it doesn't offer any easy way through this type of grief, it does offer ideas and most importantly, a helpful perspective.

The book was available at a public library near me. If you want some fresh ideas on dealing with this type of grief, I highly recommend it.

So many of us have an estrangement story.
In our case it happened over stolen inheritance, which I think is common. My husband ran and built a successful family business with his father. His siblings were never involved in the business, the commercial real estate, or any aspect. They still received many benefits as my husband and I totally financed their parents thirty year retirement, and their healthcare needs during lengthy illnesses in the last few years of their lives.
It’s a long and complicated story, but my father-in-law named my husband’s older brother (who is a lawyer) executor of the will, and he managed to cut my husband out of the estate completely. We could have sued of course, but my husband refused to sue his siblings.
Now, they act like they don’t know why we want nothing to do with them! They blame the estrangement on us.
One sister is mentally challenged and her care was set up by her parents for the rest of her life. She is now older and in poor health. Navigating some relationship with her, and avoiding the others is tricky. Also, as we all are getting older, I wonder what happens when spouses pass on, and family becomes more important?
I guess we have to figure it out as we go along, but it is difficult.
Since I am the in-law, I was always more clear eyed about they type people the siblings have always been. I don’t feel the loss so much, but it is hard on my husband.
Sometimes eliminating toxic people, even close relatives, is all you can do.

However you choose to grieve is up to you entirely. I’ve learnt there’s no better or worse way. Estrangement may mean you feel left out. But you have your own private ways to honour her and grieve. Remember with estrangement the grief is not only for the deceased but also for the relationship you could have had. This can make it doubly hard. My brother died estranged from me. We were close as kids. I never stopped loving him and missing what we could have had if we were in touch. I am not religious but we were brought up going to church, and my first comfort after he died was to go to church and light a candle. I talk to him sometimes. I just grieve however I need to. Allow yourself to go with it. I wish you all the best for the journey ahead.

@hopeful33250
I know this is from a couple of years ago but I've been searching for any sort of comments about estrangement and death. My adult son died 2 years ago and we (my daughter and I) had been estranged from him for a number of years. We never knew why he chose to cut us off. It has caused such complex grief that there doesn't seem to be an end or closure. I appreciate the suggestion for the book and I plan to check it out from my library. Thanks

@ae49 My thoughts are with you and your daughter. It must have left you feeling confused, as you will never know why he chose to leave the family relationship. Also, remember that while you cannot talk to your son, you can certainly write about him (or even write him letters) about your love for him and your confusion about your relationship. Often, writing is a way to release difficult emotions

I would love to hear from you again. Will you let me know how you are doing?

Thank you for your thoughts. I'll look into putting feelings on paper. I think there are some things people don't understand about estrangement and death. I feel like my grief is downplayed by some because they don't think it's as valid since we hadn't spoken for years. Some comments from people are hurtful that way. It would be nice to connect with someone who has experienced similar issues . A good amount of people are dealing with estrangement but I've not seen any mention of the death of an estranged adult child. Also the circumstances after my son's parting were quite painful as we were not invited to his celebration of life nor were we included in his scattering of ashes. His wife made it clear that his "chosen family" was all that mattered. I was so angry at her and him because we couldn't even grieve for him in a normal way. I didn't vent or show anger to her about it as I was stunned and knew she was grieving too. I have since had no contact with her. It has been so complicated. There was no incident whatsoever that caused the estrangement so we have been left with an unresolved mystery. I try to remember him as my child and I know we were close for all the years before he became an adult which is some comfort. It's moving along but slowly. It's been 2 1/2 years now and I still get the mix of angry and sad but mostly I just accept that I'll never have answers. It's up to me to find closure. Thanks again for listening.

@ae49 If it's been 2-1/2 years, you might want to consult with a grief counselor. A good professional can help a lot.

I learned a few weeks ago that my twin brother died in November. He and I hadn't spoken since our Dad's funeral in 1999. Frankly, that wasn't nearly long enough for me. His adult children didn't even bother to notify me; I'm not mentioned in his obituary. (I heard about his death from a distant relative.)

Still, I find that unresolved anger keeps popping up. I've got an appointment with my counselor to discuss it next week. I'm looking forward to that.

@scottrl
I appreciate you sharing about your feelings related to the death of your twin brother after years of estrangement. I commend you for seeking out a grief counselor! It is important for you to have closure to help replace the unresolved anger you are feeling.

I would also encourage you to read a book by David Kessler (he co-authored one with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). In Kessler's book, The Sixth Stage of Grief, he has a chapter titled "Complicated Relationships" (chapter 8). He discusses Finishing Our Unfinished Business, Forgiving, and a section titled "Stakes are Higher in Grief." While it doesn't offer any easy way through this type of grief, it does offer ideas and, most importantly, a helpful perspective. It won't necessarily make this process easier, but it does offer new ways to think about it. The book was available at my public library.

Will you post again and share what you are learning and how you are feeling?

@scottrl
So sorry to hear of your situation. Your being a twin probably complicates your grief. The common courtesy of their notifying you would probably have gone a long way in making you feel valid (I hope I'm not assuming too much). I think anger is useful sometimes but it probably comes from pain. It kept me afloat for the few weeks after his death. I did see a counselor which was helpful but really the mind-bender is the estrangement. It sort of short circuits everything. I guess it's a slow process and a reminder that we shouldn't assume what others might be feeling. Seems like they didn't acknowledge that you might grieve the loss of your brother.