1. < Loss & Grief

How do I grieve an estranged family member?

Posted by shardin10 @shardin10, Nov 29, 2023

My son and his family have been estranged from us for over 5 years. My daughter in law died a few weeks ago. We were not included in the final arrangements.

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shardin10 | @shardin10 | Nov 30, 2023
In reply to @mir123 "Estrangement is is so difficult--and often the "causes" just don't seem make sense and are murky...." + (show)
@mir123

Estrangement is is so difficult--and often the "causes" just don't seem make sense and are murky. I've found this in my own family. A question--do you want to grieve your estranged daughter-in-law on a personal or social/ritual level? If the second, you might follow your usual customs/beliefs--prayer, giving charity, burning a candle--whatever usually gives you comfort. This wouldn't be too personal but just a ritual you might follow for anyone. If you want to remember her in a more individual way, then the added grief of estrangement comes in and you might want the support of a grief group (most funeral parlors have them and can refer to counseling) or to talk to a clergy person or counselor. I personally feel grief affirms our relationship to the deceased while having to let go as that relationship has now changed. I wish you all the best. As others have said here, you can still take care of yourself and family you are connected to.

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Thank you
I plan to attend a grief-share group. I did love her. I tried so many times to re connect. This is so hard.

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shardin10 | @shardin10 | Nov 30, 2023
In reply to @casey1329 "I would send a card with a personal note expressing your sympathy and love...good luck !" + (show)
@casey1329

I would send a card with a personal note expressing your sympathy and love...good luck !

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Ok. Thanks for your advice

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pkh3381 | @pkh3381 | Nov 30, 2023
In reply to @shardin10 "Wow. I understand your pain. My son went no contact 5 years ago. I can’t see..." + (show)
@shardin10

Wow. I understand your pain. My son went no contact 5 years ago.
I can’t see my grandson or granddaughter. His wife died suddenly a few weeks ago. I know you are hurting.
I don’t know how to grieve my daughter in law. The last conversation we had was very hurtful. I pray we both find healing.

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shardin10, This helps me with so many things [Serenity Prayer],
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
❤️P

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frouke | @frouke | Dec 1, 2023

I’m very sorry to hear about the sad situations with family members…I also have the same thing with my family and extended family. I must say that I had a big part in pushing them away. I don’t think we were very close to begin with but over time it worsened…when I got a cancer diagnosis in 2020 along with the start of the pandemic I started to decline in my mental well-being as well as physical. I always believed that some families grew closer when a member gets sick, however it didn’t go this way for me…my ability to argue with them or to try and make things better isn’t there, they have never been really sick and they possess the compassion of a stone. I have bigger battles to cope with and I am putting myself first because I have to, it comes down to survival and that’s what I am trying to do…no matter how strong you feel about the whole thing it’s still an ongoing struggle to keep them out of my mind, it’s like my head just keeps bringing out memories and this is my biggest problem, I love my family but life can be very stressful and I am trying now to put myself first.

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blackcat | @blackcat | Dec 1, 2023

I adored my brothers, although they treated me horribly. They estranged themselves from me decades ago. Then they stole my inheritance from our grandparents. Then the younger of the two estranged himself from everyone. His ex-wife divorced him because he and her son didn't get along. After my brother's death, she held a bar memorial for him and invited my mother and other brother but not me! After I became homeless with metastatic cancer, my mother died. My wealthy older brother again stole my inheritance! I feel cheated out of having a family. The song vows, "I'm gonna make you love me. Yes, I will." No, you won't. You can't make someone love you.

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nrocpop | @nrocpop | Dec 2, 2023
In reply to @tim1028 "Family estrangements are common, though that doesn't make each individual estrangement unimaginably painful. My brother became..." + (show)
@tim1028

Family estrangements are common, though that doesn't make each individual estrangement unimaginably painful. My brother became estranged from my parents and me twenty years ago, and did not speak to my now-deceased parents or me again. I was my parents caregiver for 12 years, and following their deaths contacted my brother via email to let him know he was included as part of the estate settlement. I sent him the details regarding the disbursements. Once he had the money, the door closed shut again and I haven't heard from him in two years.

Here is some advice I found useful about toxic estrangements. " I give them a funeral. To be more precise I give the relationship a funeral to get closure and move on...I do it by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five steps of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. "

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So sad. I am so sorry that you lost the relationship with your brother. Estrangements are a terrible loss.

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nrocpop | @nrocpop | Dec 2, 2023
In reply to @mir123 "Estrangement is is so difficult--and often the "causes" just don't seem make sense and are murky...." + (show)
@mir123

Estrangement is is so difficult--and often the "causes" just don't seem make sense and are murky. I've found this in my own family. A question--do you want to grieve your estranged daughter-in-law on a personal or social/ritual level? If the second, you might follow your usual customs/beliefs--prayer, giving charity, burning a candle--whatever usually gives you comfort. This wouldn't be too personal but just a ritual you might follow for anyone. If you want to remember her in a more individual way, then the added grief of estrangement comes in and you might want the support of a grief group (most funeral parlors have them and can refer to counseling) or to talk to a clergy person or counselor. I personally feel grief affirms our relationship to the deceased while having to let go as that relationship has now changed. I wish you all the best. As others have said here, you can still take care of yourself and family you are connected to.

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I hear you about the "causes." Several of the estrangements I know about are about ridiculously petty things. I know of some where one of the people just wants to have a "chosen family" from their own generation and shuns all of their biological family for no "cause" at all. For me, a person that really values family, that is all very very sad. You are right that we just have to find acceptance and comfort in whatever way we can.

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nrocpop | @nrocpop | Dec 2, 2023
In reply to @pkh3381 "I am estranged from my daughter and, in that estrangement, then I am also estranged from..." + (show)
@pkh3381

I am estranged from my daughter and, in that estrangement, then I am also estranged from my only two granddaughters [twins], so it makes it additionally hard. I have sought counseling and I know that I need to accept it and move on, but when you don't know what happened to cause the estrangement, I am finding this nearly impossible. I have worked for years to reconnect with my daughter, but to no avail. We were very close and I was extremely close to my granddaughters. I just don't understand why she won't tell me what changed, what happened, to cause the estrangement. There was a stupid incident with her husband, which should not be causing this, but I have never been invited back to their home since. The girls were in grade school and they just turned 18. It breaks my heart and I don't know how to heal. My counselor thinks it may be a control issue by my son-in-law, even bordering on abuse of my daughter, and that tears me up to even think of her going through that when I can't help her. Again, I know I should move on, but she is my only child and the girls are my only grandchildren, so how do you give up on people you love so much? It is beyond my comprehension.
P

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I am so so sorry. I feel every word of this message. I am not a counselor, but I am not sure you "should move on." As a mother, I think I am incapable of moving on from something like you describe. It seems to me that you have no choice but to try and find acceptance of the situation. As a non-expert, my hope for you would be that you could gradually spend less and less time thinking about the loss of that relationship and more and more time with people that enjoy your company and doing things you enjoy. I would hope you could find ways to spend your time that do not trigger the pain of the loss of that relationship. I pray that you find things and people to fill your life and make it meaningful. I don't think I would ever be capable of completely moving on from the loss of relationship with my own child. I will pray for you and your daughter and granddaughters.

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1 reply
pkh3381 | @pkh3381 | Dec 2, 2023
In reply to @nrocpop "I am so so sorry. I feel every word of this message. I am not a..." + (show)
@nrocpop

I am so so sorry. I feel every word of this message. I am not a counselor, but I am not sure you "should move on." As a mother, I think I am incapable of moving on from something like you describe. It seems to me that you have no choice but to try and find acceptance of the situation. As a non-expert, my hope for you would be that you could gradually spend less and less time thinking about the loss of that relationship and more and more time with people that enjoy your company and doing things you enjoy. I would hope you could find ways to spend your time that do not trigger the pain of the loss of that relationship. I pray that you find things and people to fill your life and make it meaningful. I don't think I would ever be capable of completely moving on from the loss of relationship with my own child. I will pray for you and your daughter and granddaughters.

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nrocpop, Thank you so much for your understanding as a Mother. I keep saying the same thing. Essentionally, how do I "move on" from my one and only child and my precious granddaughters. I have failed to be able to do so. My daughter is from my husband who died at the age of 28, and I was 23, so she is the daughter of the love of my life, making it all the harder. She has been the focus of my entire life from the day she was born. When she was born, my husband was in the same hospital in Cardiac ICU, waiting for his first open heart surgery. I found out later that the Drs decided to wait on the surgery until she was born so that he was able to see his daughter before he went in for his surgery. She was just 15 months old when he died. He had two open heart surgeries in a year. So, my feelings for her are also entangled in all the memories of her father. Again, thank you for understanding from a Mother's point of view. My counselor just doesn't seem to get that. And thank you for such wonderful advice. Your response was truly beautiful. ❤️
P

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1 reply
nrocpop | @nrocpop | Dec 2, 2023
In reply to @pkh3381 "nrocpop, Thank you so much for your understanding as a Mother. I keep saying the same..." + (show)
@pkh3381

nrocpop, Thank you so much for your understanding as a Mother. I keep saying the same thing. Essentionally, how do I "move on" from my one and only child and my precious granddaughters. I have failed to be able to do so. My daughter is from my husband who died at the age of 28, and I was 23, so she is the daughter of the love of my life, making it all the harder. She has been the focus of my entire life from the day she was born. When she was born, my husband was in the same hospital in Cardiac ICU, waiting for his first open heart surgery. I found out later that the Drs decided to wait on the surgery until she was born so that he was able to see his daughter before he went in for his surgery. She was just 15 months old when he died. He had two open heart surgeries in a year. So, my feelings for her are also entangled in all the memories of her father. Again, thank you for understanding from a Mother's point of view. My counselor just doesn't seem to get that. And thank you for such wonderful advice. Your response was truly beautiful. ❤️
P

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I think you are right. Even though counselors are well trained and mean well, sometimes a person really is unable to know how something feels if they have never experienced it.

My heart really goes out to you when I read about your husband, daughter and granddaughters.

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