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Can I learn to think before speaking?
My wife and I are almost at a big anniversary and I have managed to mess it up by, when somebody asked what our plans were, saying oh it will probably just be another day. Not at all what I meant to say but that's how my brain works unfortunately.
There was an event we went to a few days ago, we had our dogs with us. I was talking to someone there, my wife was asking me to please take one of the dogs, I did not hear her, so it automatically became a very tense situation, I told her I was talking to someone and didn't hear her. I completely realize I became upset over nothing, when this happens I have a very hard time thinking before speaking. I know it's easy just say "Oh, next time I'm going to think before I speak" the brain has to be on the same page too.
I have been her caregiver for years and for a while she has been feeling like a burden, again, because of things I've said or reactions I have shown.
All of this has led to some dark and very self destructive thoughts on bother of our ends.
We do attend and have been attending marriage counseling for quite some time now. I'm just worried if I can get this under control it will be the end of our relationship.
thank you
J
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Whenever I say something stupid to my wife I immediately apologize and confess that “men are idiots and say stupid things.”
Hi Buzz,
I believe it really started after her health started taking a turn for the worse. I've never been one to show or share feelings, so when it was needed more than ever it fell very short and has been eating away at our marriage for a long time. I have very often treated her unfairly and still expected her to take care of the same things as she did before the health got worse.
She was trying to explain to me that she's always been there fighting for me throughout the years but when it comes to her, she's alone and nobody fights for her.
which is going a bit beyond my original "think before speaking" post. But it is all important and she's not sure if we can recover from the crumbling of our marriage foundation.
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1 Reaction@lacy2 we've both agreed that it's best for the both of us to separate for a while. the only problem is we do not have the financial means to rent an apartment for one of us so we're trying to separate in the house together.
@aja1958
At the risk of sounding rude, does she accept that?
Man, putting yourself and your gender down…
It’s funny actually. I can almost hear Archie Bunker saying that!
Archie would have said something worse. He would have put women and Edith down. I really do think men say stuff stuff.
@jfmaniac I find it really is true about how men and women communicate. My husband agreed almost a year ago to try joint counseling. It took until a month ago before we actually got our first appointment, because while he agreed to counseling, it was his job to track down and schedule, which he delayed, on purpose. We have been exploring the dynamics of communication issues, and how the past trauma/reactions in our individual lives affect us now. Very enlightening!
There has been a lot of "speaking before thinking" and now we are making an effort to oversee our individual conversation styles. Understanding what may be a trigger in our partner, and working to not "pull that trigger" so to speak, is a challenge definitely.
Be gentle on yourselves. Listen fully and with heartfelt openness. Baby steps. Let each know you want this. Support each other, and remember to praise, not always critique. I wager you will get through this.
Ginger
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4 ReactionsI must be unusually blessed. I have several health and skeletal issues that have drained me of strength and energy, and the ability to do a lot of my ordinary house chores. We are 80 years old, and are more in love than when we married. My wonderful companion/husband is the epitome of patience! He has never even once complained about my days in bed, or lack of energy to work. Not even a hint.
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2 ReactionsBe kind to yourself. It's okay to make a mistake,I'm not sure it was. I've. Been married 57 years humor is good we joke that many times we don't speak the same language. We have not done yanything for anniversary many times. It's okay. Agree to disagree helps too.
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1 ReactionAbsolutely, it's a skill that can be developed with practice. Start by pausing briefly before responding, allowing yourself time to consider your words. Practice active listening, which involves fully concentrating, understanding, and then responding thoughtfully. Reflect on conversations afterward, noting moments where you could have responded more deliberately. Over time, this mindfulness will become more natural, helping you think before speaking.
The only way I got that was w abilify. I have had for years been over reacting to everything. Once I got on the Abilify, I was able to deal. I hope this helps. I have bipolar 2 and a mood disorder. Not saying you do, just wanted to give the info.