Can I learn to think before speaking?

Good afternoon. I have tried to live by this saying: "Turn you tongue seven times before speaking". You may want to try that or just respond with a smile and tell her how lovely she looks today?

All the best...keep trying. Never give up of give in.

@jfmaniac
Wow, I think that’s a problem many of us can relate to.
I tend to speak to others immediately after observing anything. I’m very perceptive, visual, critical, and I verbalize what I see.
I’m usually negative about things I see, and I have no filter to stop me from voicing my opinions.
My mother was the same way so it might be a learned lesson.

I write letters to companies, government agencies, anyone who needs to know about a particular product or situation I feel needs needs to be addressed.
It has helped fix a dangerous traffic situation in my neighborhood.

My family tolerates my downright rude comments, but afterwards I beat myself up for being rude and insensitive.

Mild Cognitive Impairment is causing my brain to react differently than it should. MRI shows that I’m am most likely headed to dementia. I hope my brain doesn’t cause me to get worse.

@SusanEllen66
Thank you for your input, there is a lot of dementia on my mom's side, I think 4 or her 6 sisters has or had dementia. I'm always worried that it may be heading my way and/or eventually to my kids.

Good luck, buddy. I'm in the same boat...

Kudos to you for going to counseling! Can the counselor provide any ideas?

🙂

We've just barely started scratching the surface I feel. There are so many things to work on that it is difficult picking one. Currently just working on communication, there's usually not enough time to really dig into the items. So it takes weeks.

I feel you have jumped, the first and most important hurdle, recognition of your behaviour.
Many people do similarly, and either are not aware, and / or not willing to acknowledge what they are doing.
There is an old saying, bite your tongue, I’m often say it to my partner… Meaning, bite your tongue before you speak. It makes you think 🙂 keep up the great effort of finding your solution. Hugs 🫂

@jfmaniac Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. As @ani04 mentioned, you are recognizing your behavior, and that is a big hurdle!

Being able to address your concerns in a counseling session goes a long way to helping you both out. There, you cannot "run away", but having the third person there to lead you towards healthier communication is so fortunate. That is where we are, too. We fall into a pattern without realizing it until almost too late. Taking 10 seconds to refresh your mindset, and thinking about your choice of words/tone of voice, will allow you to calm down. We react from a primal spot, We respond from a more cultured and thoughtful spot.

I look forward to hearing about your [you and your wife, together] progress. It's takes commitment from both of you to heal and change. Working on the communication style first will open the doors to deeper healing on the other issues.
Ginger

Yes Ginger my Mum used to say count to ten before replying but I am same as first poster and often do not think before I speak, and as am ageing find I am chatting on and on talking about irrelevant things when on phone or at clinic... and as above, feel so bad afterwards; yet sometimes I can get a grip especially if other person I know is fragile an I can pick and choose my words carefully; it seems more with family that I just blurt out the first thing that enters my mind; interesting to read the comments and possible solutions.

Hello J,
Kudos for joining this platform and more importantly for the self awareness and trying to do something about the situation. You clearly love your wife and don't want to lose her, which is great.
Have you always had that problem or is it a new thing?
Are you consistently and regularly doing anything for your self care? Do you have friends or family that you can vent to?
When last did you have a full checkup at the hospital?
Sending you warmth and hugs.

Is the illness part of the reason why communication needs some work?
I ask because sometimes (often) caregivers put themselves aside for the sick person. It is very nobleand loving, but a relationship needs more. If a caregiver keeps in some things because they don't want to hurt the person they are caring for, and/or the patient keeps in some things because they don't want to be disrespectful or ungrateful, things will build up and start erupting randomly, sometimes in response to small negligible things.
I would like to make a suggestion, that you write to each other or something along those lines. I struggle with communication, the thinking before you speak is something people have been telling me to do most of my life. I am introverted, reclusive, fiercely independent, and I am on the autism spectrum so communication is hard. One thing I have found helpful is writing. If there is something I need to communicate to my partner and I don't want to mess it up, I write about it. I could take hours a day, a week or more. I start with my idea, and gradually add to it. Writing it in detail first gives me an opportunity to really explain what I mean and where I am at as a person, and it allows me to make sure I emphasise that I value the person I am with and the relationship. So I literally send emails or long texts to my partner who is sitting next to me in person. They get shocked at first, but get used to it with time.
Is this something you would be willing to try? It doesn't have to be written, it can be audio notes or videos or something along those lines.