Pain and Loss of Self Worth

One more step: Stop blaming yourself for every bad thing in your life.

Instead, create an affirmation that you can remember, and recite it at least ten times a day.

Here's one I use.

I am 64 and have chronic pain and I feel so useless lately I can’t do anything I could do a year ago even. I have lived with pain for years but in June I fell and broke my ankle in 2 places. I have never felt pain like that before in my life. Now the plate and screws are irritated and I can’t do anything. I am having them remove next week but my body is just worn out and I am so sad.

I'm so sorry, Francine.
I have lived in a world of constant, severe pain for nearly five years.

The only thing that keeps me from going insane is that I have learned to do small, simple positive things each day: thanking someone, encouraging someone, writing something helpful here on Connect, etc.

I'm hoping it will build positive momentum and at least take my mind off the pain for a while.

Francine , I am so sorry that you were feeling this way, trust me, I understand more than you know. I have lived with chronic pain for so many years and just say it is difficult is an understatement. I feel like I spend my day managing my pain and feeling sad that I can’t do the things on my friends are doing . I have had so many surgeries I can’t even count at this point and I’m getting ready for another cervical spine surgery the best I can tell you it’s just try to take it day by day and find , like Scott said , one little positive thing each day , it can make a difference. One piece of advice I could give you try not to isolate yourself and try to engage with others each day. It can really brighten your day up even though it’s temporary.

I just turned 44 and have suffered from intractable pain since I was 22. I lost my entire young adulthood and am on disability wasting away. I have a 19 year old daughter and she’s thriving in university. The ONLY reason I could raise her is because I was married for 5 years and then lived with my parents for 15 years. It’s humiliating and heartbreaking watching my friends have large families, traveling and being outdoorsy. I find relief by sitting outside on my porch watching the birds, meeting new online friends so that I can connect when it’s easiest for me and doing a gratitude journal. I get overwhelmed when I reminisce about what I’ve lost (my entire life) and am grateful that my 19 year old is studying Environmental Science which is her dream so I am sorta living vicariously through her in a way. This site keeps me from losing my mind knowing that I’m not alone. You’re very brave living each day like this. Not many people understand, we can have each other’s backs and get out pain off our chests. Big hugs 🫂

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. I admire your strength and tenacity coping with such a difficult situation.
💝

Hello Labgirl,
I totally understand your situation and am completely empathetic to your current plight through my own experience these past 30+ years. I too was a very successful business person with a blossoming career, happily married and enjoyed a very fulfilling life with a number of special interests, talents and a wonderful social environment with special friends. I was very athletic, healthy and had a very satisfying, overall well rounded life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I caught a viral condition which repeated and persisted in additional episodic stages over a 3 months period beginning in December of 1990. After a continuing to decline in my health on many levels with serious debilitating symptoms etc, by August of 1991 I had become mostly bedridden and home confined. I won’t go into my actual health details as they are too numerous and widespread to discuss in this context. Simply stated, I was and felt like a 90 year old man on his deathbed. My serious disabilities literally affected every aspect of my life physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I required 24 hour a day care from my beautiful, loving and totally committed wife. She saved my life and for that and her total devotion to me, my recovery efforts and complete care I will always be eternally grateful. Unfortunately, the unbelievable amount of pain, debilitation and loss of my abilities to be a husband and partner combined with the tremendous amount of stress my situation caused ended our marriage. However, we continued to love and support each other in the following years…..and still do!
To address your concerns about how to restructure your life, self worth, purpose and happiness in life is indeed a continual process with many challenges. After trying and utilizing every tool I had in my “Personal Toolbox,” I started to develop a more spiritual side to my existence. This has helped me immensely. I am not a religious person nor practice any kind of established religious faith. Those are very personal decions and choices to make. You can certainly develop a strong sense of spirituality without the necessity of and specific belief in any kind of religion or system of dogmatic principles. As they say, “different strokes for different folks!”
Fortunately, I had several private disability income insurance policies which were able to provide me the needed financial stability I required. I have never been able to return to work or have any kind of employment or earned income opportunities since the age of 36. I am now 69 years old and dealing with a cancer diagnosis and treatment the past 16 months. Fortunately, I am in remission and am doing everything I can to remain so.
I have remarried and have a wonderful, beautiful and incredible partner that love and accepts me for everything I am, (and not), for the past 12 years.
I continue to have very difficult emotional and mental challenges dealing with my own personal sense of wellbeing, worth and sense of value while seeking some kind of peace of mind regarding my ongoing debilitated state for so many years and the continuing journey it is for me.
Like you, when unable to be and pursue the life we once had in so many avenues is a very difficult and at times, can be an overwhelming struggle. These are mostly uncharted territories for people in our position.
I do know and feel a deep conviction that we are still responsible for ultimately managing the conditions and challenges of our ongoing life.
It’s impossible for you, me or anybody else to be 100% responsible for all the circumstances in our lives. However, we must be absolutely 100% responsible for managing whatever circumstances and challenges we face and continue to do so throughout our lives.
For the most part, after I was able to start participating again in some of life’s normal activities, (although measurably reduced and diminished)! reduced). I wasn’t constantly totally dominated by the serious debilitating symptoms of my disabilities. I’ve been able to once again, make the decision of being happy and grateful for my life despite my personal circumstances. Without question, there are times when this is impossible for me to keep in the forefront of my mind and my personal commitment to be and do so. When my symptoms exacerbate in a very serious and almost “life stopping” way, I need to press my “reset button” to manage sufficiently enough to endure and get through those stages in my life.
I wish there was some kind of adequate antidote I could provide you to be of some meaningful assistance. I will share my experience of listening to over a 150+ cd’s and audiobooks regarding illness, disability, recovering, spirituality, personal and self improvement and a number of other related topics that have and still do continually support me. As my debilitated state persists, so do my efforts to manage it and find avenue's to “flourish” to the best of my abilities with the only life I have and to be grateful for every present moment, After all, the present moment in our lives is our life!
One of the major personal break throughs I made in my life was to change my attitude about living my life. I had been waiting to recover sufficiently enough to start living again. I finally realized that I might never recover enough to meet that desire and goal. As a result, I decided to “get on with my life” the best I could and understood that indeed, my life, despite everything that persists, “ is happening now” and to maximize whatever opportunities and abilities I could to make the very best of it.
If I have anything of value to share with you that might make a difference in your life………
Start living and appreciating whatever you can “now” and continue to do so. Finding some sense of wellbeing and peace of mind can be invaluable.
I wish you the very best and hope that you can find that peace of mind a for yourself and continue to do so.
Kindest regards,
Phil

I wish I had a good answer for you. I suffer from several debilitating diseases and you pretty well described my day. I understand your feelings. I just make a list of a few things I want to accomplish during the day and pace myself thru it. Don't beat yourself up so much. I just looked at my hands and said, it is what it is. And I do as much as I can. I feel you.

Very well written and valuable tool for my “tool box.”
Thank you for sharing your experiences and successes
Thank you Phil!

Hi Patty,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am always trying to support and be of assistance to all my fellow cancer patients whenever and however I can. I am happy to hear that you found some benefit from one of my posts.
Thanks again and best wishes for you and your life journey.
Phil