What IS the point? Adult kids don't seem to care.

O I could write a book on this subject! Being there for others...and when you need it - nothing. I more than get it.
I won't talk about immediate family now...but extended members who reached out to me 100s of time with their problems and did not extend the same to me. Yes, it is more than hurtful. But I know the problem was really within me. The need to be needed, the need to be "liked", the need to be thought of "so well", the need to have others "reach" out to me, to satisfy a "need" which was always within myself. Why? Because I "felt" lacking. And why again? Because my entire formative years I was given "nothing" by those who should have given me so much. Therefore, I compensated by giving of "myself". But now I know about "boundaries". I never had them. But now I do. I am much to precious to "give" so much to others to the point of being emotionally spent or even physically ill!
When called upon now - I stop to think. I don't "react". I "respond". And I am mindful of how much I wish to respond. How much I wish to give of myself. And I am finding I "give" but not to the point of "over-giving". We are all on our own individual life journey. Each one of us is alone on our journey. And that is fine. We might have partners, etc. but our path is ours alone. And as adults - to another adult...we owe nothing to anyone. Just be careful moving forward. Protect your heart always. Don't react immediately to demands placed on you. I am NOT saying not to love others. Watch your boundaries. How much YOU are given by others vs. how much you give out to others. And if your loved ones are never there for you, it is deficiencies within their hearts. Not yours.
Acceptance of human behavior is important. And if you want and want...& no one comes knocking? Volunteer.
Develop a fruitful spiritual life. Be on your own journey. Make it count for your own mind, heart and soul. Give yourself loving kindness always. Give kindness to others in need. It is truly nourishment for the soul.

I can relate. My adult kids do text but we argue a lot on text and then they tend to block me. It’s outrageous. I think to myself the things they say to me at times “this can’t possibly be my grown up kids!” I taught them better than this! My adult kids live at home & we have a son in law (our daughter is married). Our son in law is deaf. We have worked with our daughter & son in law for 12 years to help them succeed more in life. Our daughter did talk about joining the military to begin with but her career path changed when she went to college instead. She currently works for a retail store making pretty good money due to her college education. The only thing is she doesn’t have coworkers with any similar college education. So she only associates with others below her education wise. It really makes a difference because those who are more educated know how to treat one another in a more correct/respectful way. Not that we haven’t taught her to be that way, but when you work with others who are less educated one tends to sometimes become like them. She curses at me on text which I hate. She calls me controlling yet she will block me to get her way. Thereby cutting me off from even being able to defend myself many times. So who is controlling who?

Our son was married for awhile. It was a very strange marriage. I knew it wasn’t going to last. He had no car of his or their own to even be able to get to work. He would take a bus to work but the bus schedules were never on time. He ended up not being able to maintain working then. His in-laws allowed him use of their car but it was only to get them to their appointments. He was the only licensed driver in the family. He got divorced in recent years and moved back home with us which was fine with us because he needed the family support to be able to go forth in life further. Thank God we were still available for him. I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened to him if we weren’t. He got back working again. He was working 2 jobs up till recently. He has been doing very well. He has had a few girlfriends during this time. We gave him one our vehicles so he can get back & forth to work. He has been building his credit. He and our daughter and son in law take vacations a few times a year. Most times it’s been with a girlfriend and our daughter & son in law which we feel is safer for our son.m till he gets to know the girlfriend better, Our daughter & son in law just bought a newer vehicle. Our son helped them to be able to buy it as they don’t have their drivers licenses yet. We had been driving our daughter & son in law back and forth to work all these years but now they have their own car so my son helps them more with that or we still do but not as often as we had been doing. Till one of them gets their drivers license. So like you we are being generous and helpful. We don’t deserve to be cursed at that’s for sure. Or blocked. Our son knows how to speak to us properly. There are 9 years between him and his sister/our daughter. He was raised by us during a time in our lives when my father was alive and when my husband’s mother was alive. Our family was more respectful towards one another then for some reason. He many times won’t stick up for me though to do with his sister and I when we are arguing. I realize they all still have growing up to do. Our son in law helps us out a lot. He mows our grass regularly and has been helping with other landscaping work that my husband used to be very involved with doing but with my husband getting older my husband does more of the directing these days instead of the manual work. My husband is in his 70’s. I know that there will come a time when the kids might all move out and get a place of their own or we might move out and let the kids live here and I would hope that they would continue to care about us. I know things could be worse but it is hard to deal with not feeling more appreciated at times by my own children. I guess that will always be a parents argument.

Boy do I know that feeling. I have two sons. After my husband died just over two years ago, my younger son started treating me disrespectfully. He told me not to come to my granddaughter's wedding as I was not welcome there. He told me I was not welcome in their home and would never be invited to go there anymore. We had to postpone the funeral due to Covid. When we could finally lay him to rest, they all came to my state but were cold to me. When I asked my son if he was coming to drive me and his father's ashes to the cemetery he said I would have to find my own way. Finally communications broke down completely. On the other hand,my older son was caring and supporting. I was in the midst of therapy and had a diagnosis of PTSD. He asked me about this and was horrified when I told him the story of the abuse I had suffered as a child. He has grown closer since then. But I decided I was not going to take this lying down. My husband and I had a trust. I had a conference with my attorney and bottom line is that all the assets over which I have control will go to my older son. The younger one has been replaced as alternate trustee. I am already 89 so not so many years to go. Someone is going to be surprised and not happy when that happens. I also gave instructions that he not be notified of my death or subsequent burial. If he wants/wanted to bash me like that he has no right.

I hope that you will examine your own role in your estrangement with your son. This is a very one-sided story. Even if you feel that you did nothing wrong towards him and his family, obviously he perceives things differently. Did he share with you why he feels the way he does?

Congratulations! You have succeeded in infantilizing your adult children! They live “at home” and you wonder why they treat you the way they do? You can’t seem to let your adult children live their own lives and make their own mistakes. This situation is classic co- dependence. They “need” you but YOU “NEED THEM MORE.” Can YOU get some help to learn how to extricate all of you from this bizarre situation. They will never grow up!

Yes he did. His wife feels I am judgemental and doesn't want me to interact with them. I asked my therapist about this and she does not feel I am judgemental. So we are at an impasse.

I don't believe I did that. My son for instance who got married but then divorced was having a very hard time surviving even with being married out of state and needed a hand up. We got him back employed. My daughter married a deaf man who has always been protected by his family in the Memphis area so we pretty much took over from them because we were raising a daughter so we felt she should be protected. They get along great and even he is employed. They both are employed actually. There isn’t any excuse though for either of our kids to insult me or curse at me. We didn’t raise them to be that way to me. My brother in NY feels my daughter is hiding behind the keyboard when she talks that way to me electronically. My husband even though we have had marital problems has gotten tired of reprimanding them. He is 76 years old. I’m 64. If we have to get in to a shouting match with them we could end up having heart attacks, I never got into any shouting matches with my parents after I turned 18. They aren’t children anymore, they are in their 30’s and 40’s. My husband feels they should know better. And they should know better because they were raised better than that. We don’t have many problems with our son in law, just our own at times. I don’t believe I need them more. I don’t mind having them around when we all are getting along. I just want to see them grow up and progress in life and I don’t mind giving them a hand to do that. Afterall they are my flesh & blood. My daughter and son in law lived in the Como MS area for awhile next door to his mother, so they lived on their own somewhat for awhile. They also tried to buy a house where we live with a USDA loan but it didn’t work out. It’s taken them time to progress in life but it shouldn’t give them any reason to insult & curse at me, that’s showing that they don’t have respect for me. It’s up & down,

You are proving my point. Your husband has become tired of “reprimanding” them?????? Children are “reprimanded” not adults. Your whole tone is one of a mother raising unruly children only these children are adults in their 30’s and 40’s. This is a very unhealthy situation for all of you and I sincerely hope you ALL get the help you so desperately need.

I can not know the pain of your situation. I do have a brief story that might help.

I am a sixty year old man. I came to live with my mother then 84 year after my divorce when she needed some help and I was quite depressed.

It has been a couple of years and I am getting better. I am grateful to have had a safe place to live while I recovered and I believe my mother is grateful for having had the help.

Now however, the dynamics are changing. I am getting better. Have started a business, I am exercising and eating better. I've even begun to reach out to my ex-wife and children.

In short the dynamics are changing. My mother is terrific at caretaking as long as I do as she thinks I should. As I make decisions for myself that maybe different from what she might do, it is difficult for her. I believe she also knows, correctly so, that I will not be there forever. It is not a healthy situation for adult children, especially a man, to live with his parents, that's my opinion.

My mothers brain remains sharp and she is for the most part pretty healthy at 86. Last night she did something she has not done before. My mother was having trouble changing the channel on the television, not so easy these days, but something she does all the time.

She asked me to do it. I said no you can do it yourself you don't need me to do it. She had a temper tantrum. Threatened to through the remote at the television, blamed me, told me I had no empathy, that I've always been a pain in the ass. She then told me to shut up and took her hearing aids out.

What do you think that was about?

Within a few seconds she turned the television off and back on again and regained control of the television.

I don't like television and don't really care if we even have one. Nonetheless I could have just changed the channel, it would have been easier on me. But what was best for her? That's what I was thinking about.

My mother grew up at time when a child did as their parents told them to do or risked being the subject of the parents rage, maybe even violence. She believes that I as her child owe her something. I believe that I owe her respect and kindness. I do not owe her unquestioned acceptance of everything she says and does.

I believe that children receive their initial programing from the parents. Once they are adults it is up to the adult child to reprogram where necessary. Reprograming is easier for the adult child if the parent is not continuing to treat them like children.

I have hurt my four children terribly. They have had nothing to do with me for ten years. I do not even know where they live. I wish they would contact me even if only to tell me they hate me, at least I know they were thinking about me.

They owe me nothing!

I, their father, and to a lesser degree their mother wounded them. My heart is shattered and I weep everyday. But if this is what it takes for them to heal then I will bare it as long as I have to. To my death if necessary.

I have found the only path to peace is merciless introspection and a willingness to tell myself the truth about myself. I could not have fought that battle without professional help. My mother won't see a therapists, she wonders why all three of her kids are a mess. But does she really want to know?

She told me the other day she is tired and just wants to die. Perhaps that is the only way she will find peace. I hope not. But I can not change 86 years of doing things one way, she has to choose to.

One question you may want to consider. How far are your really willing to go for them.?

Are you willing to look at your mistakes and your trauma. I am not saying they are right for disrespecting you, I do not believe they are. I can say with certainty however, that I have never found any peace looking at other peoples faults and blaming them. The answers have always been in me.

I hope you are able to reconcile with your children and find peace.

I 100% agree!🙏👍🌹