Connect
“In the midst of confusion, love is the only compass.”
Hello, I am writing today because as you may know, I am a caregiver for my 84 year old friend who has dementia. I attend to her everyday, prepare meals, feed the cat, ensure she takes her medication and things of that nature. I do this alone and without compensation, and I have been doing well with the situation until today. My friend once had a beautiful ring that she gave me because my fingers are just as small as hers were when she could wear it. After several months and before she became demented, she asked that I return the ring, which I did. Last night I was in her bathroom and noticed that the ring was not in its usual place so I asked her what had become of the ring. Suffice to say I did not sleep last night because there are circumstances beyond my control with respect to the subject ring. Today my friend, Joyce, told me that she had given it to another friend, the woman who was the subject of an investigation by Adult Protective Services. Many of "us" suspected that this person was stealing money and items from Joyce, I notified the bank and they were the ones who contacted Adult Protective Services. I spoke at great length to the social worker and expressed my valid concerns about this other woman because she is the reason that Joyce has no financial security, presently. The woman cleaned her out and that is why they split up. For reasons I am unable to wrap my head around, I cannot understand why Joyce continues to place this person on a pedestal. The fact that she gave her this ring deeply hurt me because she had assured me that she would return it to me after she was done looking at it, again pre dementia. There is no reason other than the fact that this woman probably wanted to sell the ring, for her to have it, because it was too small for her fingers and even if she tried to have it resized, it would not have looked right on her hand, as she is a large woman with big hands. The subject ring was small and was designed for a small person, like myself and Joyce. Joyce was unable to explain to me why she gave away the ring, and that is okay. However, just a couple of weeks ago I caught this woman red handed taking things from Joyce and I told her that if anything else belonging either to myself or Joyce goes missing, I would file a police report and contact Adult Protective services. She responded that she would forward my "threatening" message to a niece who works at the DA's office, and I responded, "please do." I understand that situations like this are common, but that does not make it any easier for me. Yes, I accept that Joyce is no longer the "Joyce" I grew to love and spend time with. I never anticipated being in the "parent" position, and in all honesty I wish I could back off. However, Joyce has no one else who is willing to do the things that I do for her. While I had hoped to take a break and go stay with my sister, whose husband also has advanced dementia, an invitation has not been extended and I am not planning to ask again if and when I may come up for a visit.
I feel some guilt about the fact that I need a break. On the other hand, I know that I am doing the right thing by taking care of her because I have a big heart. Maybe it is too big.
After talking to Joyce on the phone earlier I became very upset and actually felt hurt by the fact that the subject ring was given to someone who I believe is taking advantage of Joyce's mental state. It is not the ring, it is the fact that she apparently does not feel the same way about me as she does for the woman who I will call a female lethario (from Shakespeare).
Recently Joyce has been telling me about the things in her apartment that "the other woman" wants when Joyce dies. She says things like, "so and so has "dibs" on that, so you cannot have it." Please keep in mind that I have not asked Joyce for anything, but have suggested that if there are certain things of hers that she wants to give to certain people, she needs to write it down so that there is no confusion in the event of her death.
We had plans to celebrate my birthday next Monday, but I told her today that I did not want to celebrate my birthday with anyone, and made up an excuse that I have a doctors appointment. Why? Because I am saddened that this birthday will be totally unlike the birthdays we have celebrated for the past 10 years. My grief over the loss of her "friendship" is enormous, and as a result I would rather not spend the day with her. Fine, because I have had a bad year anyway in terms of my own health and in all fairness, I just want to go into deep cover.
Has anyone had a similar experience, and if so, how did you cope with this kind of loss?
Thank you
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.
Connect
in reply to @merpreb The sale continues.....
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsI Don't Suffer From Insanity; I Enjoy Every Minute of It
As my caregiving impasse continues, I will call Joyce's sister in the morning, after I call the State Tax Board who tells me I have some tax lien of unknown origin that is due on 10/12. Last week I received a notice asking if I wanted to renew the warranty on my 2021 Acura, a car I have never owned. A background check on my former partner, the sociopath I left over ten years ago was very telling to say the least. It does appear that she has gotten everything she wanted, and then some. People like her know too well how to "work a room."
However, for the moment I am putting all of this aside because I need to tell someone something very funny that happened to me, and kept me pretty much hysterical all day. We all need a laugh anyway. I was waiting for my driver to pick me up to take me to the lab and from there I went to get an injection in my hip. I was working on my artwork and there was a knock at the door. My driver was not expected for another 30 minutes. I opened the door and before me was a muscular hunk, dark glasses, Hawaiian shirt, and his name was Victor. I said, "oh hello come right in!" In my mind I was thinking of something my hairstylist had said to me this past Saturday when I had my hair cut, and that was: "Ohhh, it is your birthday and I know exactly what I am going to do for you. " Yes, he is a lovely gay man who I have known for at least 15 years and he lives in my apartment complex.
So, when I opened the door this afternoon, I thought that the Adonis in front of me was a gift from my hair stylist. Can you believe that ? I admit I was sleep deprived, not really paying much attention to the clock etc. I may have even said, "I have been waiting for you! David told me he was going to do something very special." Sadly, he told me he was my driver, and while he would love to come in, he had to take me to my appointment. We laughed all the way downtown, and I later called David and told him the story. Naturally, he said, "well, I wish he had come to my door!"
If this offends anyone, I apologize, but the experience was just what I needed after a sleepless, fightful night. When I came home I was so exhausted I called Joyce and told her I was so tired I felt like I was stoned or something. However, I went over to her apartment, did everything that needed to be done, went for a quick walk, came home and fell asleep for 4 hours. Tomorrow is truly going to be another day.
@frances007 That is a funny story and probably just what you needed! Can’t you just imagine what he told his friends!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reactionin reply to @mwhite0707 Yes, we suffer, don't we? Yet, those we care for really have a knack at living in the moment, don't they?
I made the "call" today, and had a very long conversation with Joyce's sister, who was both relieved and concerned, naturally. I have provided her with the phone number for the POA and suggested she obtain a copy of the document. I am full of sorrow and grief and possibly anger as I type this.
Before I went to see Joyce this evening I called her, and I could tell that something was wrong. She would not tell me on the phone, and because she seemed in such a depressed state, I questioned her further when I got to her apartment. To my astonishment and possibly dismay, the sociopath had been over today and gave her a copy of the letter that I had sent to the bank, in which I described my concern about Joyce because in my opinion she has "severe dementia."
Joyce wanted to know if I thought that she had dementia, and I answered affirmatively and said that she does have some concerning cognitive issues. Furthermore, I explained the reasons for writing the letter, and even said in the letter that I knew that the burden of proof as to whether or not the sociopath was in fact, taking money from Joyce, was on me. Suffice to say, she was very unhappy with me and also the letter I had written. Even though it was getting a bit late, I did sit down with her and explained several things, including, but not limited to: 1) I am loyal to a fault; 2) I want to protect her because she cannot protect herself; 3) I was only doing what I thought was the "right thing" considering the many things that have gone missing since Joyce's cognition began to fail; 4) my commitment to keep her safe is very strong; and 5) I am honest to a fault. Lastly, I told her that my medical condition is untreatable, is chronic and there is no cure for me, and this is why sometimes I am unable to come over everyday.
I also told her I have arranged for a video visit in a few weeks, and that in order to do so she will have to ask the sociopath for her userid and password for the online medical system, otherwise the visit will be simply a phone call. Her face actually lit up and she said that the sociopath had created the account on her computer, so we can look for the information there, not having to bother with the sociopath.
I asked her, since she had read the letter, "why does the sociopath have an AKA?" She said she noticed that and was concerned, and this was the first time she was aware that this person even has an AKA.
I asked her this question: "Why would someone, a friend no less, show you a letter knowing full well that it would hurt you?" She understood. We ended the evening on a positive note, I came home and texted our mutual friend what happened, and I will refrain from revealing the content of the message she sent me because of its nature, which I am sure you can imagine.
As I sure many of you know, sometimes we just want to cry for the person who has dementia, especially because they are like children: helpless, unable to think for themselves, blind to the injustices that may be happening around them. I love my friend so much that it tears me up because she is actually lost to me and doesn't even know it. Enough, Carly Simon is singing and I have tears running down my face and can no longer see what I am typing.
Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement. I would feel so alone without you, strangers no less.
Laughter is often the one thing I cling to — especially on tough days! I’m glad you were able to have something to look back on and laugh about. I think everyone needs a friend like your hairstylist, what a gem!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsSorry BUT , I think you were foolish to open the door # 1 AND invite someone that you didn’t know to enter #2 ! That was dangerous ! Hopefully , getting enough sleep will stop you from doing that again ?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsGlad you enjoyed some laughter and even joy. You need that every day! Thanks for sharing.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction