Can I learn to think before speaking?

Hey J101,

Well, you 2 should give yourselves a giant pat on the back for getting started.

May I suggest that, when you and your wife hit a bad moment, you immediately say to each other that you can talk with the counselor about the bad moment, too? That way, during the bad moment, you both know that you both want to do better but in that moment you don't know what to do to make it better, AND in that bad moment you still are committed to your relationship and you are saying out loud to each other that you are committed, even though you might be really angry/frustrated with each other.

My husband flat out refuses counseling. Very frustrating for me.

In our marriage, I am the sick one. I started counseling 3 years ago, in part, to learn to adjust to my new life of chronic pain and disability. It has helped me a lot. Some of it does take a long time. And sometimes you suddenly --poof ! -- understand something really clearly.

To get the most out of my counseling sessions, I have found it is really important for me 1) to write down stuff while I am talking with my counselor, and 2) read over my notes and really think about it, and 3) really try to act on it. It feels kind of silly sometimes, but I will read a thing and then do it, whether it seems like I need to then or not. Just kind of play-acting and practice for when I do need it.
I have an audio-processing deficit, so I always have needed to write stuff down if I want to remember it. Maybe you don't need to write notes, but I suggest you do the thinking step and the play-acting/practice step as much as possible. These steps have helped me get a lot out of my counseling sessions.

Oh, also, I always prepare for my sessions by mentally reviewing what worked and what didn't work since my last session. I write a list of what I want to talk about with her, too, so I don't forget and so that I have a goal for that session.

Hope some of this may help you guys...And good for you for working on it!!!

Whenever I say something stupid to my wife I immediately apologize and confess that “men are idiots and say stupid things.”

Hi Buzz,
I believe it really started after her health started taking a turn for the worse. I've never been one to show or share feelings, so when it was needed more than ever it fell very short and has been eating away at our marriage for a long time. I have very often treated her unfairly and still expected her to take care of the same things as she did before the health got worse.

She was trying to explain to me that she's always been there fighting for me throughout the years but when it comes to her, she's alone and nobody fights for her.

which is going a bit beyond my original "think before speaking" post. But it is all important and she's not sure if we can recover from the crumbling of our marriage foundation.

@ J101. Oh I thought for a moment my spouse had written your comment.. but he doesnt use this site. Very similar scenario. Added to this is that I am 7 years older than spouse and have had quite a few illnesses, although he is also battling his... breaks my heart how our marriage has been affected and, in fact, our friendship!

@lacy2 we've both agreed that it's best for the both of us to separate for a while. the only problem is we do not have the financial means to rent an apartment for one of us so we're trying to separate in the house together.

@aja1958
At the risk of sounding rude, does she accept that?
Man, putting yourself and your gender down…
It’s funny actually. I can almost hear Archie Bunker saying that!

Archie would have said something worse. He would have put women and Edith down. I really do think men say stuff stuff.

....40 years and got along quite well then 2 things; my illness and bit of breakdown and for first time in life just no energy to get out of bed but not diagnosis - could have been fibro - and then his triple heart bypass surgery, was definitely not the same after - during coved, out of town - no visitors - were it not for 2 nurses talking to he said he would not have gotten through it. It’s sad really - so for past few years deteriorating but still on and off, quarrelling over the most silly things, but then having a reasonable chat etc. I wonder how many older couples this happens to and yes I have also thought of splitting the house into two areas but almost is as I spent more time upstairs in bedroom and such and he outside as smokes! We still love each other but sometimes don’t like each other!

@jfmaniac I find it really is true about how men and women communicate. My husband agreed almost a year ago to try joint counseling. It took until a month ago before we actually got our first appointment, because while he agreed to counseling, it was his job to track down and schedule, which he delayed, on purpose. We have been exploring the dynamics of communication issues, and how the past trauma/reactions in our individual lives affect us now. Very enlightening!

There has been a lot of "speaking before thinking" and now we are making an effort to oversee our individual conversation styles. Understanding what may be a trigger in our partner, and working to not "pull that trigger" so to speak, is a challenge definitely.

Be gentle on yourselves. Listen fully and with heartfelt openness. Baby steps. Let each know you want this. Support each other, and remember to praise, not always critique. I wager you will get through this.
Ginger

It’s old fashioned wording but remember my mother saying:
“Least said, soonest mended.” I find I go on a lot thinking I have to explain what I am saying, but my spouse is direct and to the point with answered such as “no” and “yes” while I am still explaining! 🙂