Not knowing how to set boundaries without hurting him

I'm having a similar problem with my wife of 40 years, who is now living in a memory care facility. I'm trying to set boundaries incrementally, but it's difficult. She would like me to spend half of every day with her and eat meals with her. I have relied on the facility to tell me that they don't want me dining with her, and conveyed this message to her, and have also occasionally told her that I can't spend more than a couple of hours with her at a time. I still have all the responsibilities of keeping another house going, preparing my own meals, taking care of a cat, doing laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I'm also trying to develop my own social life. It's tough to say "no." I haven't found an easy way to do it without her accusing me of no longer loving her, of not missing her, and so on. I think she's still highly functional and hasn't lost the ability to successfully manipulate me. I could use some advice on this.

Thanks for your sensitive answer.

@maryflorida I have found lots of articles that you might find helpful.
- How to set boundaries as a caregiver https://www.aegisliving.com/resource-center/set-boundaries-as-a-caregiver/

- Setting Limits and Healthy Boundaries https://familycaregiversonline.net/setting-limits-and-healthy-boundaries/

Here are 2 that I found. From these articles I learned that the answer is “To say NO and mean it”
Will you let me know if you try any of the suggestions?

They are good suggestions... I am 82, still healthy. His son Harland is helping me by telling my older friend what he has to do if he wants to see me. Shower, wear clean clothes, only visit when I expect him, take me to a nice dinner once a week (he is well-to-do). Yesterday he visited me after calling first; that helps.
Since I am recently widowed after 50 years' marriage, I am not recovered yet from losing my husband. Tomorrow I am going to fly to the west coast from Jacksonville to spend a couple of weeks with my friend who is a retired nurse. She thinks she can also rehearse situations with me so I will have a ready response for my gentleman friend suffering from dementia. I do appreciate this forum, since it is impossible to find a counselor here who has some experience in this category. Thank you!

Thank you for reminding me. A friend of mine told me at the beggining of 2023 that my husband is in God's hands & to keep remembering that. I'm not always good at remembering, but you have prompted me to. We caregivers just need to keep on giving care to our loved ones & pray we are doing a good job of it.

Hello Mary Florida, I’m responding to your question about setting boundaries. I’m a retired mental health counselor who would gently remind us all that boundaries are not for the other person, ie tell another what they should or should not do, etc, but rather for SELF. It’s self-care (and defining a self) at its best! When you think of setting boundaries in that vain then it might take away feelings of guilt or letting the other person down. It’s your job and responsibility to say what you need. Of course, the hardest job (in my experience) is actually coming up with the answer to those self-defining questions ... what will I accept? what am I able to do/give? etc. If any of us has been more of a people pleaser then we’re more tuned into what others want! I highly encourage you to practice defining your needs, identifying them in the statements you give to others and Let Go of how others take it in! At first it will be hard and with “rough edges” ... but with practice those edges will soften and you’ll sound something like this; “I’m sorry but I can’t possible do that “. No explanation so others will understand or agree with you, nope, just define yourself. Knowing where you stop and where someone else begins is very freeing. Many blessings to you on your journey.

OK It is very scary. I am taking a trip (to clear my head) and I know he will miss me terribly. His son is aware of this and he has said he will be taking him to lunch and calling him often. My granddaughter needs me while I travel too, and that will prolong the trip. I don't know exactly how to do this, but am going to have to try.
Yes, I do tend to accommodate grownups, probably too much! When I can, I will update you and I will think about how to word refusals.

So darn hard.

MaryFlorida .... think of it not as a refusal (how someone else hears it) but as a solid reminder to self of what you can and cannot do while loving yourself!

Just bought a book called Self Love... I hope that helps too!

Thanks.

I think it helps to look at things from his point of view- who wouldn’t want what he wants? A companion to share everyday life with, someone to be physically close to, to be company with, someone to go with you places, to eat out with you. He’s feeling and motivated by the basic human nature to seek human connection. BUT it is not your job or responsibility to fulfill his exhaustive needs for connection and company. You have your own life to lead and must make your own decisions how to lead it. It would be very easy to be swallowed up by his wishes, to be flattered by his romantic attentions, to have your own sense of self overrun and buried. Don’t feel guilty ever for putting yourself and what you want to do first. Go have fun on your trip and don’t look back.