Discussions with family

Hello, @buggirl55 This is an important topic you raise. Death, and impending death, is so hard to discuss for many folks.

In our case, what I we found was those folks who said they did not want to see my wife late in her life and often said it was about how they'd remember her, are now unhappy they did not get to say their goodbyes.

Just our situation,

Strength, Courage, & Peace

i would have to agree with this. My sister and I want to spend her last minutes with her and would hate it if she passes and we aren't here. I think more about her and my father than how I am feeling. I guess it is the protectiveness that I feel of my parents. it outweighs my own feelings/thoughts at this point.

Here’s my suggestion. Even though it seems her mind is gone, she may surprise everyone with a smile or some recognition of her loved ones. Rather than ignore her……give her the blessing of a visit ! One never knows and then you don’t have to feel guilty for not visiting.

@buggirl55 I really understand your wish and need to stay with your mother in her last minutes. I faced just such a situation last summer when my mother was dying. Almost at the end, i had to leave because of my health at the time. I had to take a long flight, alone, through 2 busy airports. I new that I couldn’t wait. My sisters were there and they would use FaceTime to call me so I was able to say goodbye. Clearly, it was difficult.
Also, in my experience as a nurse with cancer patients, many, many patients choose the moment they will die. Frequently, death happens when family is out of the room. I’m telling you this so you won’t be hard on yourself if you need to leave the room.
I know that this is a difficult time for you and your sister, so I’ll be thinking of you.

I am struggling as a caregiver in another way. My husband's doctors have suggested that it is time for Hospice, but I don't know how to approach him with the subject. He is lucid and alert enough to realize who is coming into our home to help him. I just don't think he wants to face that he may be entering the last six months of his life. How do I navigate this? I tried to approach the subject but he turned away and wouldn't communicate... I didn't even get to the subject of the conversation. I am asking myself if I really need to put him through this -- or just continue trying the best I can to care for him mostly alone, other than the 18 hours I have with a caregiver's assistance. Thank you for any suggestions.

@hbjuniperflat You have definitely found yourself in a difficult situation. Have you spoken to Hospice about this? Usually, they can come to the home and , very gently, do the talking. You may ask if they could just provide some homecare for awhile and the nurses could just drop in and do their assessments. For you, Hospice will always be there to talk with you on the phone and answer question..
Can you try calling them and see what they can offer you?

Yes, I have spoken with them and yes, there are probably some ways to approach this topic without me doing all of "the heavy lifting." We were with a special Hospice program called "Supportive Care for Dementia," which is only offered through Phoenix, AZ Hospice group. It was very helpful, but we were discharged in April. Now, it seems that we may be ready for the next level or "real" Hospice and we are back in our home state of Oregon. I will need to link up with these folks and our doctor will assist in this, as well. Thank you for your thoughts.

TY. i realize that. my brother in law passed away shortly after my hubby left the room to go home. I couldn't get him back to hospital in time. I think part of my BIL wishes. Also my another BIL passed in 2021 after my SIL left the room to go shower she slept by his side, worked from home, same room, etc. I know when God calls her home it is her time. whether I am here or not. I do sleep in the bedroom away from her so i get some sleep so i can continue working and functioning. the first 2 weeks i didn't sleep at all which didn't help anyone. I am grateful to have whatever time I do have that i can spend with her but if I am not here when she passes, i am close by to help my father through it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. of course my mom knows when caregivers come she is getting bathed and changed and food sometimes (normally i feed her) so it isn't so bad but now she is transitioning, she is fighting it but not clearly awake still) If i can make a suggestion, I would care for him the best you can (my dad did this for years and it worked for him) but if you have any help (children/friends) who can come "spend time with your hubby even a few hours a week where you can get time away to shop, get coffee by yourself or with a friend, etc. this will help your mental state.

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I have a caregiver who assists me for 24 hours each week. Unfortunately, my husband won't let her bathe or change his bandages on his bed sores -- he only wants me to do it. While she is with us, I am able to run to the store or the post office; however, we live 50 miles from town so it is always a rushed trip and filled with the chore list. Living rurally is very peaceful, but not the best when there are health challenges. We have no family living near us, but some friends are willing to come to sit with him. I also find that spending little chunks of time working in our yard is healing for my spirit. We have a stunning view of Mt. Hood, fields, and lots of blue sky; I feel a sense of freedom when I can be outside.