How do you handle uncooperative and manipulative behaviors?

My dad had frontal lobe trouble and he became very selfish and self centered. It would seem his inhibitions were diminished as everything was about him. Some issues were a battle. Eating. Sometimes he did sometimes he refused. After a while we soon realized this was due to condition and not so much reflective of his prior demeanor.

When I realized that was the case I began to accept this was not dad anymore. That it was a different person. There was grieving with this process. But a new peace was found when dealing with the poor attitudes. Realizing they cannot help it and aren’t intentionally being abusive. They lack the insight and self reflection. Its like it evaporated.

I hope the situation gets better for your family.

@nemo1 My friends father had dementia and was so angry and combative they stopped visiting him as they didn't want to deal with his meanness and he didn't remember anyone at the last few years anyway. They had to accept that wasn't him but at the same time didn't want to remember him that way.
You are so right. i had to realize i was using words like combative etc but realized it wasn't her trying to be that way. My dad said this week she is being unreasonable. No she is being a patient with dementia who doesn't understand reason (he tries to reason with her. example: honey don't you want to be dry instead of wet bedding, etc for over 30 minutes sometimes). I just go in and tell her I am changing her and she might be angry but in 10 min she will forget and thank me for helping her with everything. Can't reason with unreasonable illness.

My dad had frontal lobe trouble and he became very selfish and self centered. It would seem his inhibitions were diminished as everything was about him. Some issues were a battle. Eating. Sometimes he did sometimes he refused. After a while we soon realized this was due to condition and not so much reflective of his prior demeanor.

When I realized that was the case I began to accept this was not dad anymore. That it was a different person. There was grieving with this process. But a new peace was found when dealing with the poor attitudes. Realizing they cannot help it and aren’t intentionally being abusive. They lack the insight and self reflection. Its like it evaporated.

I hope the situation gets better for your family.

Your remarks about “…this was not dad anymore” prompts this reply. My wife has MCI (Mild Cognitive Impairment) a pre-condition sometimes to dementia. Her most dominant of the 3 symptoms is emotional impact. Anger, hostile behavior comes and goes along with ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts). Dark. At times she is far from her old self; as you said a “Different Person”. While imperfect, my means to contend with this is to use a pair of pseudonyms. Resulting in 3 names: her natural given name, and two nicknames. (She revolves among these personas)
One nick name has been ‘GG’. Fun, happy, and lovable. Another nick name is ‘Gertrud’: angry, hostile, dark and patently negative. If I had to be around Gertrud all the time, that would make ME useless, and I’d bail out. However, I can deal with Gertrud part time, and when it’s unbearable I get away for awhile, and re-center (as opposed to resent her 😊 😵‍💫)
And one final thought in the spiritual dimension. We are called to ‘light a candle, rather than curse the darkness’ At times that candle is lit for her, at really dark times that is fruitless and the candle is lit for others. And that lighting generates renewal in me, and gift from Him.

Interesting. We have hospice aides and nurses coming in at this point. She is unable to take meds any other way. So they advised us to crush them

What a lovely response. Thank you so much. We all used nicknames for dad. We called him Grumpy after one of the seven dwarfs and another which I cannot recall for the life of me. He responded positively later in the disease to expressions or sounds that were humorous. I sang to him before he passed. He loved music. Spiritually, I offer up my day to Him and to use my thoughts and prayers to help myself and others. The one thing He can use is what at times seems useless to me which is pain. Pain of any and every kind. It can be used for HIs purposes. Stay strong. If I didn’t have faith, I would be in a different place. My dad loved to listen to music all the time. Big bands. I miss my dad. I will light one of my candles for him right now. Thank you for your reply. Blessings.

Absolutely. Oh my goodness…that sounds like my mom and I’m sure many people. She - every time dad would dig his heels in refusing to eat, would try and negotiate and debate his lack of eating. Trying everything to get him to want to. She spent so much time and reaching her about that and to try to get her to accept this is not about his stubborn will. Its about his sickness. Thats the only way to see it (in my estimation). There was so much waisted time. I know she felt less than as a caregiver if she could not get the man who never missed a meal to eat. She felt responsible. But I tried to explain in delicate terms (because tensions are high with that going on). In the end, she resigned to accept but it was near the end when that happened. It is hard to say goodbye when the person is right in front of us. Even if it is a notion, I have found emotionally it saves a lot of heartache in one way. I remember feeling guilty for these initial thoughts, but realized right away asking myself why I am feeling guilty. We do what we can when we can. If and when they let us. You are so right - you can’t reason with an unreasonable illness.