Is being mentally numb at all normal?

Posted by happytrouble @happytrouble, Apr 10, 2023

So, I need to say after scanning through some of the posts I feel like an idiot mentioning my issue at all. However, I am going to go through with it in hopes that there is someone that can relate. My story is that at the very end of Jan 2023, I was diagnosed with ILC in my right breast, and I went to the 3D Xray appointment quite impatient, as I had an interview after that, and about a third of the way through I realized that the interview was just that, and this was about my life (owed everyone in the office an apology, and I did!) But talk about a smack in the face with the realization....you see I am 60, no kids, single, somewhat attractive, or so I think (ha!), been flying throw life willy nilly, by the seat of my pants ... yep! I have always been a solution girl, no whining, just what's it going to take for a solution....so that is how I approached this. And you know for me there was no TV moment in a Dr.s office with the file in her hand and somber, it was a Dr, saying in passing yea I'm thinking cancerous, again I didn't take it for gospel, but after a couple of days, I had a thought that this is a Dr, who does this every day and is not her first rodeo....so Genine, (that's what I call myself since that is my name) WAKE UP! I did! But still with the thought that they will take a dimple out of my fabulous tits and I will keep moving on through life....ahh no! Anyway, speed through to a month later I had a double mastectomy and now I am 6 weeks after surgery and two days away from going to my plastics guy to discuss what and how about my new tits. And my oncologist put me on letrozole a week ago and to date only a week but no weirdness yet, however I expect it. My issue is that if you ask me I absolutely am numb with emotion or hurt from cancer, still have no real emotion, feel some pain from the incisions and the damn restriction caused by the expanders...what a bag of BS we ladies go through to be beautiful...oh man! I guess I just am wondering if anyone can relate at all. I cry when I read the ladies that have all this pain with their meds, cause I am guessing that is what is going to happen to me, and honestly makes me wonder - what if I had just done nothing... I am just venting and appreciate you allowing me to, but seriously...............oh my!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Breast Cancer Support Group.

Everything you have felt (or not felt) is completely normal. I alternate between crying when I read some of the posts here and feeling very detached as if I’m reading about something that has nothing to do with me. I do have some side effects of anastrozole and some days I don’t feel very well but-my hair is okay(oddly that was my biggest concern). This site is a wonderful place and I am so grateful to all you you!

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I fully understand and can relate to your comments. I started this journey by finding the lump myself (missed my mammograms in 19 & 20 (Covid caused my appt to be cancelled - then I just forgot). I never told my husband until I had the actual dx. I love my husband, but he deals in facts; and my what if's frustrate him - so I just didn't tell him until I knew what was going on. I did all tests and dealt with everything on my own - oddly I was able to detach myself from all this happening to me. I researched information - made notes and questions as more information became more specific about my dx I was able to make my notes and questions more refined. First they thought lump was suspicious after mamo and ultrasound--informed probably BC, then needle biopsy performed - TNBC dx, then because I had ovarian cancer in my 30's BRCA test, I'm BRCA2+. At this point chemo is a given; bilateral is recommended; after surgery radiation is then recommended. That is all behind me, now I wait to see if I have to take maintenance med for a while. Throughout all this I never asked "why me" and the first and only time I cried was looking at myself in the mirror after bilateral surgery (I went flat - at 69, don't need them). I still look at myself in the mirror and somehow the face is mine but the body isn't - in my head the image still doesn't register. But there are still times when I ask myself did this really happen - I know it's not over; but man an awful lot happened in a short amount of time - BUT I'M STILL HERE.

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I think many of us that join Mayo Clinic Connect is to find similarities of our own journey and our own peace with our individual treatment plans.
How each of us deal with our DX is unexpected even to ourselves.
After a year out of surgery, I rarely look back at the 8 rounds of chemo pre surgery, 25 rounds of radiation, and 14 more rounds of preventative chemo (I made 11 rounds).
I never cried once, I choose to only tell my immediate family and worked through my year of courageous treatment that saved my life.
My kids and family were amazing through my treatment we spent so much time living “normal”
My faith and great medical treatments and amazing Doctors took all the weight of any emotion I may have carried.
I feel strong, positive and continue to surprise myself by moving ahead with my “new normal” with the same confidence I always had for myself!
It is ok to be “you” when you meet a challenge that we never knew how we would react.
Courage to all!

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@boathouse

I think many of us that join Mayo Clinic Connect is to find similarities of our own journey and our own peace with our individual treatment plans.
How each of us deal with our DX is unexpected even to ourselves.
After a year out of surgery, I rarely look back at the 8 rounds of chemo pre surgery, 25 rounds of radiation, and 14 more rounds of preventative chemo (I made 11 rounds).
I never cried once, I choose to only tell my immediate family and worked through my year of courageous treatment that saved my life.
My kids and family were amazing through my treatment we spent so much time living “normal”
My faith and great medical treatments and amazing Doctors took all the weight of any emotion I may have carried.
I feel strong, positive and continue to surprise myself by moving ahead with my “new normal” with the same confidence I always had for myself!
It is ok to be “you” when you meet a challenge that we never knew how we would react.
Courage to all!

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Hi, I see you had 11 of 14 of maintenance. Was this kadcyla? Would you mind sharing why you didn’t finish and how long ago this was? I’m her2+ as well and did round 8. Dr delayed treatment due to radiation pneumonitis. I’m worried about the what ifs due to this delay or if I can’t continue it.

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@zeerj

Hi, I see you had 11 of 14 of maintenance. Was this kadcyla? Would you mind sharing why you didn’t finish and how long ago this was? I’m her2+ as well and did round 8. Dr delayed treatment due to radiation pneumonitis. I’m worried about the what ifs due to this delay or if I can’t continue it.

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I too was on Kadcyla and finished 13 of the 14 rounds. My liver function tests came back too high to continue. My oncologist stopped treatment at that time. I'm not concerned.

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@happytrouble
Your reactions are so normal!
I was diagnosed 31 years ago- still here.
My doctor was really upbeat: Congratulations - you have breast cancer ! We can treat that!!
I think our brains protect us against overwhelming emotions. I got busy making appointments etc. Had to see Plastic surgery etc. before the surgery date.
Took a couple of weeks off work, only told a couple of people.
I don’t remember crying- I wanted to appear normal in front of the 3 children.
Chemo was tough and I decided to work 2 weeks and chemo 2 weeks.
However, once a year afterwards I would suddenly get emotional and crying- until recently- when I was due for mammograms.

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I also feel "stuck in limbo". I have not been motivated to do yoga or any exercise other than walking my dog. I read breast cancer medical sites and personal stories all day. I want to make travel plans to see my family this summer but am waiting for insurance to authorize radiation treatment to begin. Then I start AI with Arimidex. Then I need my repeat MRI/ultrasound in late June. My family's group vacation begins July 1, but I can't even book my flight back east until these other things get scheduled. Physical and mental limbo with no motivation. I don't think I'm alone in this.

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@dyevooshka

I also feel "stuck in limbo". I have not been motivated to do yoga or any exercise other than walking my dog. I read breast cancer medical sites and personal stories all day. I want to make travel plans to see my family this summer but am waiting for insurance to authorize radiation treatment to begin. Then I start AI with Arimidex. Then I need my repeat MRI/ultrasound in late June. My family's group vacation begins July 1, but I can't even book my flight back east until these other things get scheduled. Physical and mental limbo with no motivation. I don't think I'm alone in this.

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@dyevooshka
You are definitely not alone feeling the way you do.
We are suddenly thrown into a different orbit where everything is new and frightening.
For now, take a day at a time until you have a more definite schedule. Enjoy your walks with your dog for now. Spring is here. One day at a time.

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@dyevooshka

I also feel "stuck in limbo". I have not been motivated to do yoga or any exercise other than walking my dog. I read breast cancer medical sites and personal stories all day. I want to make travel plans to see my family this summer but am waiting for insurance to authorize radiation treatment to begin. Then I start AI with Arimidex. Then I need my repeat MRI/ultrasound in late June. My family's group vacation begins July 1, but I can't even book my flight back east until these other things get scheduled. Physical and mental limbo with no motivation. I don't think I'm alone in this.

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I have felt the same way as you—I had no idea how a cancer diagnosis suddenly takes your immediate future away (it bothers me more than contemplating how much longer I have to live!). There are so very many appointments and tests and so much waiting. I was diagnosed just as I was about to buy a ticket to fly to my hometown to deal with pressing family issues and so decided not to go but when I got most of my appointments and tests behind me and was told that they couldn’t schedule surgery for another week, I just went for it! I knew that I’d be in no shape to take the trip after surgery so I just stopped agonizing over it all and bought the ticket—-and paid up the nose for it (try to avoid that!). Anyway, it was good to be transported away and think about other things! Ha! But I do have a word of caution! After spending the day with my daughter and grandchildren there, one of them was diagnosed with Covid! I was petrified that I’d get it or that my exposure to it would cause my surgery to be postponed. I was sure glad that I was fully vaccinated. My surgery is behind me now and I’m waiting for the pathology reports and for my appointment with my medical oncologist (ugh, in three long weeks!) to learn what my treatment going forward will be. I’m really glad I made that trip. I want to say that I hope you’ll indulge yourself and go ahead and see your family, but I know it’s a tough decision. Wishing you the best.

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I just got cut off on my comment! I am long-winded! So...happy to be out of limbo! On day #8 out if 16 days of radiation, slathered day and night in AQUAPHOR and wearing old bras and shirts that don't mind the oil stains(beware!). My husband tells his friends who ask " She's a trouper, doing her research, keeping in touch with lots of supportive friends and always on support websites, going to her appointments. She's great!" I do feel pretty confident now that I'm moving! I start LIVESTRONG! a free, national program for cancer survivors at the YMCA...1 1/2 hours twice a week for 12 weeks and free use of all facilities during those weeks! Look it up! I got brave and booked our plane tickets CA- NY for the month of July and hope to do any doctor visits, labs, scans, before and after that month with family. So there!💞

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