Conundrum…Explain my wife's behavior in social situations or not?

Hi @randywhite FWIW, in my wife’s and my case my explanation, or lack of same, depended on if the folks were likely to regularly interact with us or not. I found telling the truth about my wife’s condition was best for us, but unfortunately that didn’t stop a lot of the malicious gossiping by those who were sure they knew my wife’s life better. I discovered many people have a very difficult time relating to anyone they view as not mentally/emotionally “normal”.

Just my two cents, plain.

Scott
Good counsel, definitely worth more than ‘two cents worth’. There are actually two step daughters that are in the close circle of this. Your remarks about “… those who were sure they knew my wife’s life better...” resonated. One step daughter D. sees the truth and knows what I know, thankfully. The other B. is in denial, and ascribes ‘the problem’ to me. ME. B. herself has some difficult life circumstances (but then we ALL do) Circumstances that yield a 6 year morning period of not ‘getting on with life’ after her husband of 10 years died. 6:10 seems way off norm, of 1:5. Anyhow, B. has become a confounding influence, the saving grace is she is 1,000 miles away. Interface is rare.

Quick question for you @randywhite I'm not sure what the 6:10 and 1:5 mean?

TIA,

I am sorry for the misunderstanding from people who have offended you. In my experience, people who haven’t had any experience with mental issues, or are in denial, are the most difficult to deal with. They think that there is an easy solution and then the patient is cured, which we know from our experiences is absolutely not true. We wish it were true, but far from it.
For me, those malicious people are ignorant people and just have to show off how ignorant they are.
Forgive them, forget them, and move on.

@randywhite, I hope you don't mind, but I expanded the title of your discussion. I did this because I think it will bring in additional members to share their thoughts and experiences. Your situation about whether to tell people about your wife's diagnosis of MCI in social situations is something many grapple with. I think @tsc @fwentz @tunared @desbabydoll @centre @wmehan @diane36 @ann59 may appreciate being part of this discussion.

In the meantime, you might find tidbits in these related blog posts by the directors of the HABIT program at Mayo Clinic, who work with patients and partners living with MCI.

- Maintaining Friendships https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/living-with-mild-cognitive-impairment-mci/newsfeed-post/maintaining-friendships/
- Who Else Besides Family Should I Tell About My MCI? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/living-with-mild-cognitive-impairment-mci/newsfeed-post/who-else-besides-family-should-i-tell-about-my-mci/
- Coping with Memory Loss in Social Situations https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/living-with-mild-cognitive-impairment-mci/newsfeed-post/coping-with-memory-loss-in-social-situations/

Randy, have you discussed what your wife's preference might be during a period when she would be open to discussing?

Randy,
You might want to check out this website:
https://www.alzstore.com/please-be-patient-alzheimers-cards-p/0187.htm
My wife had Alzheimer's Disease. She recently passed away. But years ago when we were out, for example in a supermarket, at times she would make some unusual comment or behave in an unusual way. I would hand the person, who was wondering what was going on, a card that said something like, "My companion has Alzheimer's Disease, please be patient with her!"
That had the advantage of not embarrassing my wife with a discussion with others about her condition.

@IndianaScott @randywhite My mother developed dementia and Alzheimers before passing at age 82. She would accompany my dad often, until she retreated into her shell and became nonverbal.

My dad, bless his heart, referred to a saying from Dr. Seuss often:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Dr. Seuss
It has been my favorite saying for a long time. While it might not make you feel more comfortable in some situations, in others, it might be just the right way to approach things. And sometimes, there is simply no way to account for the way people react. We are all doing our best!
Ginger

Some thoughts regarding posted replies, on occasion we need to consider:
DIE=Describe Interpret Evaluate a process designed for promoting better understanding
So, the ‘DESCRIBE’ is how we would record the objective facts of an exchange, not the perception as that is subjective
INTERPRET…that is how we interpret an exchange, and could be that:
The ‘poster’ is well meaning to positively impact or maybe defend something, or by extension have an unusual sensitivity
They are personally impacted and/or offended by remarks for unknown reasons
They may have needed some destinations for an ANT (automatic negative thought) and choose a ‘whoever’ this morning
They may have presumed an intention on our part, but perhaps the presumption is wrong -maybe could be unpacked by ‘that landed on me wrong, what did you intend by that?’
EVALUATE…that is what I deduce depending upon which Interpretation is taken:
The reply poster may be this that or the next thing, maybe angry, sad, carries personal bias, or needs some object to attack.
Y’all’s thoughts?
I do occasionally look like the posted picture here, usually when I’m on the slopes having fun; am I nuts? Audacious, or enjoying the company of grandkids on slopes?

My husband slowly declined over 8 years with the diagnosis of MCI, has progressed now to the diagnosis of vascular dementia. My best advice is to analyze possible activities and choose those which will be least stressful and over-stimulating, as stress exacerbates emotional outbursts. Eating out with potential friends will be high stress-noise, navigating the menu, making choices, making conversation, waiting. Inviting another couple for take-out at your place or a picnic place will be much lower stress.
I would also recommend choosing a church. Many members of the new “church family” will be kind, there are men’s and women’s groups and joint activities that will help friendships develop. Plus, in the future, the friendly visitors will start. Visitors from our church have followed my husband through hospital and rehab stays, bring him holiday cards made by the Sunday School kids, and come monthly with Communion. He finds great comfort in the familiarity of the church rituals, but in-person attendance is too stressful.
If your new place is in a “resort”-type setting, there will be lots of activities to choose from- Trivia may be out, but Art or Music will work. Keep thinking about the stress level- open-ended chitchat may be hard, but enjoying talking about a favorite subject at a club meeting won’t. My husband loves to talk about home remodeling, but can no longer dress himself or make sense of a menu.
Your new town will have a Senior Center- many full-time caregivers bring their loved one for a morning or two, the staff will be adept at choosing activities and providing appropriate instruction. You will be welcome to join in too.
Finally, your writing style show you to be a highly intelligent and accomplished person. I imagine your wife was too. One of the hardest parts of this journey for the spouse is that: that life is over. The future holds a steady, sometimes precipitous, decline, which will call on every fiber of your being to be calm and patient and loving. None of it is “fair”, but what can you do but carry on and do your best, under what will be very trying circumstances. Anger at fate or clueless relatives gets you nowhere.

I am a reply poster who values HIPAA, people have the right to personal privacy. And I think you look great on the slopes in your photo! Keep enjoying life!