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My boyfriend is in the ICU & his family won't let me see him

Posted by em @emmacalabrese, Oct 9, 2022

My boyfriend of almost 6 months is in the ICU due to an infection from an accident he had with a friend. He went to the hospital a little over one week ago in septic shock. Fortunately, after 30 hours, he was out of septic shock and started (albeit slowly) recovering. Anyway, his parents blame me for the accident (even though I was nowhere close to where it happened) and kept saying that I need to stay away and give him space (forever). His dad has completely blocked me from everything to the point where I can't even call the hospital. His sister is the only one sending me any updates. Anyway, he's doing better but he's still in the ICU. I'm hoping they bring him to a room outside of the ICU very soon but, while I wait in the meantime, I have a few questions;
1) Is there anything out there for support
2) Are there things I could do to feel connected to him?
3) Are there things I can do in preparation for seeing him again? I feel like time is of the essence as I will see him very soon. I'm already writing him lots of letters, working on healing my own soul, and just general stability goals too.
Anyway, I know this is long but thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I feel so alone.

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Mentor
Lori, Volunteer Mentor | @loribmt | Oct 9, 2022

Hi @emmacalabrese What a sad and frustrating situation for you to not be able to see your boyfriend while he’s in the hospital. You’d at least like to be able to spend a few minutes offering support and to know personally that he’s ok.
I’m glad to hear that he is improving with his sepsis infection. They can be very serious. There are often access limits to ICU areas, do to Covid and also any other potential infection risks. So it would be kinder to think that this is the reason you’re not able to see him.
But to be told to ‘give him space…forever’, that is hurtful and unkind of his parents. It is thoughtful of his sister to include you in updates. Do you know if your letters are being given to him?
Letters are cathartic for you as well. Writing helps heal and often releases pent up emotions from our minds whether they are thoughts of love, or sadness and in this case a little anger and resentment from being restricted from being with person you love.

I don’t know of any recourse you have if you’re not a blood relative. Stay the course and don’t lash out in anger. Maybe consider writing a letter to his parents. Write two! The first one filled with the pent up animosity you’re feeling!! THEN RIP IT UP…☺️. After that, the second letter, the one that you might send them, will be level headed, calmer and clearly stated with what you’d like for them to know about you or whatever it is you need for them to hear. That way there are no angry words, no lashing out.

I hope your boyfriend makes a rapid recovery and is moved out of the ICU soon so that you might visit. It sounds like your doing a little soul searching yourself while this is taking place. Perhaps a new, clean start when you’re reunited will take place. Hopefully the breach with his parents can be mended too. 🙂

Have you asked his sister if your BF has requested to see you?

REPLY
1 reply
em | @emmacalabrese | Oct 9, 2022
In reply to @loribmt "Hi @emmacalabrese What a sad and frustrating situation for you to not be able to see..." + (show)
@loribmt

Hi @emmacalabrese What a sad and frustrating situation for you to not be able to see your boyfriend while he’s in the hospital. You’d at least like to be able to spend a few minutes offering support and to know personally that he’s ok.
I’m glad to hear that he is improving with his sepsis infection. They can be very serious. There are often access limits to ICU areas, do to Covid and also any other potential infection risks. So it would be kinder to think that this is the reason you’re not able to see him.
But to be told to ‘give him space…forever’, that is hurtful and unkind of his parents. It is thoughtful of his sister to include you in updates. Do you know if your letters are being given to him?
Letters are cathartic for you as well. Writing helps heal and often releases pent up emotions from our minds whether they are thoughts of love, or sadness and in this case a little anger and resentment from being restricted from being with person you love.

I don’t know of any recourse you have if you’re not a blood relative. Stay the course and don’t lash out in anger. Maybe consider writing a letter to his parents. Write two! The first one filled with the pent up animosity you’re feeling!! THEN RIP IT UP…☺️. After that, the second letter, the one that you might send them, will be level headed, calmer and clearly stated with what you’d like for them to know about you or whatever it is you need for them to hear. That way there are no angry words, no lashing out.

I hope your boyfriend makes a rapid recovery and is moved out of the ICU soon so that you might visit. It sounds like your doing a little soul searching yourself while this is taking place. Perhaps a new, clean start when you’re reunited will take place. Hopefully the breach with his parents can be mended too. 🙂

Have you asked his sister if your BF has requested to see you?

Jump to this post

thank you so much for your response, Lori. I'm trying really hard to stick it out and, honestly, it's not that hard. I would (and will!) do anything to be back with him. Right now, it's just a waiting game until he's out of the ICU and can start contacting people and requesting visitors (without his dad trying to control these decisions). I've not actually sent the letters to him knowing that his family would not give them to him. I've been using them more as, not only an outlet to express my own feelings, anxieties, and stressors, but also as a way to have something to give him when he is able to see me.
It's funny you mention it, but I am really praying for a fresh, clean start with him. We've been very destructive with each other and were not always making the best decisions (something his parents blame me for). Even though it's only been a little over a week, I've already made major changes in my own outlook on life. I've become more positive (somehow haha) and have a much more stable and healthy approach to life in general. I'm hoping that this will transgress into my boyfriend's life as that is something that will significantly benefit his healing process.
Thank you, again, for your response. You've really made me feel heard and much less alone.

REPLY
1 reply
Mentor
Lori, Volunteer Mentor | @loribmt | Oct 9, 2022
In reply to @emmacalabrese "thank you so much for your response, Lori. I'm trying really hard to stick it out..." + (show)
@emmacalabrese

thank you so much for your response, Lori. I'm trying really hard to stick it out and, honestly, it's not that hard. I would (and will!) do anything to be back with him. Right now, it's just a waiting game until he's out of the ICU and can start contacting people and requesting visitors (without his dad trying to control these decisions). I've not actually sent the letters to him knowing that his family would not give them to him. I've been using them more as, not only an outlet to express my own feelings, anxieties, and stressors, but also as a way to have something to give him when he is able to see me.
It's funny you mention it, but I am really praying for a fresh, clean start with him. We've been very destructive with each other and were not always making the best decisions (something his parents blame me for). Even though it's only been a little over a week, I've already made major changes in my own outlook on life. I've become more positive (somehow haha) and have a much more stable and healthy approach to life in general. I'm hoping that this will transgress into my boyfriend's life as that is something that will significantly benefit his healing process.
Thank you, again, for your response. You've really made me feel heard and much less alone.

Jump to this post

Emma, you sound very level headed and introspective. I think most of us have those ‘ah-ha’ moments when we do some self evaluation and make changes going forward. It’s easy to get caught up in a pattern, whether positive or destructive. Even when we know that perhaps we need to change it’s difficult because it’s easier to just keep going with what we know. Whether we’re complacent, lazy or maybe even a little scared of change, I don’t know. But we have that ability to grow and modify our lives. So I applaud you for seeing that maybe there can be changes for the positive in your life…and your boyfriend!
Please keep in touch and I wish you all the best with the life changes you want to make. It is doable!! Positivity is contagious. ☺️
Let me know how your boyfriend is doing ok?

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