Dealing with Anger and Disbelief in person with dementia

I know how you feel. When my husband started having more serious heart problems, I knew I could not have my life back. The part of my life I loved was volunteering at a hospital. I loved being with people and helping patients, even if it was in some small way. I cried my eyes out when it became obvious that I was his caregiver, and he needed me to help him. We’ve had issues with his “me first” attitude, but it is so ingrained in him, that changing it is almost impossible. But now that he has heart problems and Vascular Dementia, I let him get his way once in awhile when normally I wouldn’t.
It really comes down to me taking care of myself first before I get caught up with his demands. I have learned to say “no” more often and mean it. I spend time with friends and family by email,
Phone and Messenger on FB. Sometimes on FaceTime, which is fun. I watch videos on FB showing babies and puppies because they make me laugh, a valuable tool for caretakers, and makes my life a little easier. I read and watch PBS with their shows and documentaries and I vent and give/get advice from this program.
This caretaking is only for
me and helps me tremendously.
I am also grateful that I am able to do many things he is not able to, and because of me, he will stay home and not be “put away” somewhere.
How is your husband selfish?

I interpreted his actions as stemming from confusion vs. preference and thought he was nothing like the man he used to be. So I was overcome with grief and sadness by such a little thing.

Oh I am sorry, it was his confusion that made you so sad. Of course, you are right, He might have thought it was bedtime because of the shower, and so the pajamas. And that is sad. Thank you for clarifying this for me.
So far, I have not been aware of a lot of confusion with Will and I don’t look forward to the changes he will have.
My first husband was an alcoholic and he changed dramatically, from being gentle and thoughtful into an angry violent man who wanted to kill everyone! He had cirrhosis of the liver and didn’t even look the same!
Again, I am sorry for your sadness. God’s blessings to you.

Here's an older yet helpful related discussion:
- Dementia Anger Issues - bathing https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/dementia-anger-issues-bathing/

@pbmom, how are you doing today? How are your sister and brother-in-law doing?

His Seroquel finally kicked in after a little over a month and made a tremendous difference.
He still gets mad and pouty at times but then he has done that his whole life. One of his doctor's insist I not waiting on him, making him get out of his chair and move - getting his own water or ice cream bars. Sometimes he will without a problem. Other times he asks me to do it (according to the doctor I'm supposed to refuse). If I refuse in goes into the silent treatment usually. I try to let him know that it is for his own good and then he will pull the 'I'm too weak to walk into the kitchen' bit. And sometimes I know he is as he can hardly make it out of the bathroom.
I hate conflict! and I was brought up to always ask if I could get something for someone. Especially if they had a cat in their lap. So it is very hard for me to refuse to help him. Family thinks I need to follow the doctor's instructions.
This morning he woke up in his 'silent treatment' mode - I just ignore it and act as if everything is normal. At age 89 he isn't going to change.
Tuesday he has an assessment for Phoenix Dial-A-Ride. Will be a long morning. I tried to get it waived but no dice - they want him to due a course to see if he can actually handle getting on/off a bus or light rail - of course he could never walk to the bus stop in a million years as getting around the house is a major undertaking.
We also tried for Uber Health but they are completely filled at the moment. That would be a God send if a place would open up as there is no cost for getting to and from medical appointments and much faster to use than Dial-A-Ride. He sabotaged Home Health Care deliberately using 'showtime'. I just have to pray he doesn't try it on Tuesday. Although I don't think he could last 45 minutes of walking a course!

Another issue is he thinks he hasn't done a crap for a week or two so now I'm logging it lol. He keeps wanting to do a Fleet every day otherwise. Not a good thing. Things no one ever tells you about the married state - other than 'worse'.

I haven’t been with this group very long but when i read what you said about sometimes hating your husband, I was finding myself hating my husband as well, when I realized that i then felt ashamed, but I could not let go for over 2 years until I finally just gave it to my Father God.
My husband is/was also selfish not at all thoughtful, thinking only of his needs. He was a CPA with his own business but had to close it down because of memory issues, but he believed he still had a business so he kept putting his personal money into a dead business so that now we are in a money bind but since he no longer is able to know how to get into his accounts, i have no idea what they are so i can keep household going. He desired to keep his accounts to himself.
Dementia takes our loved ones from us. I feel so alone even though he is here.

Hi Jeannie,
I can definitely relate to your hating/loving feelings towards your husband. My husband is also a selfish person who rarely thinks of others, including me. He has a sister who is even worse than him so it might be their upbringing. There are many things we try to overlook that bother us about their behavior, but then the guilt comes in, telling us “what do you expect from a sick person?”
We have gone thru buying things he couldn’t find, thousands of dollars worth, and a waiting list for later. If he gets carried away again with buying things, I can freeze the credit card he uses.
Have you consulted a lawyer to find out what your rights are regarding financial matters, especially since he has Dementia? You need to take over all of the household finances because soon enough, only you will
be responsible for your budget.
Being a caregiver, you need to find a hobby or “free time” - mine is reading after he goes to bed. It could be crocheting, piano, listening to music, whatever pleases you and makes you happy!
You are not alone in this journey. There are many caregivers on here venting and trying to find answers to questions. What you say here, stays here, and we also find comfort from others.

I do read a lot. I have plants i care for and a little dog. Thank you for sharing.