Triggers for loss and grief

I am also approaching the one year anniversary of losing my husband of 59 years. In four days it would have been our 60th anniversary. Everyone grieves in their own way. I don't think time heals, it just makes it easier and softer. I try to think of the happier memories and sometimes it works. But, yes, there is anger, especially when I have to take out the trash. That was his job. I cry all the time. Even in public. I was at the grocery store and saw a special thing that I used to buy just for him. Bang!!! here come the tears. Please hold on to hope. It is too early to say it will never change. I thought I could never go out without him. Yet yesterday evening I went out to a movie. A week ago I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that I would not be able to do this. But I did. Just hold on. Keep the faith.

I’m trying to carry on. But so many things remind me of him. And not sure if others do this, but when people ask how I’m doing I usually say I’m okay. But I’m not okay. I’m sad, lonely, angry, guilty, sleep-deprived. But I’ll admit that I like when people ask - many don’t for whatever reason.

I’m right there with you. As much as I try to block out the awful memories, they keep appearing. Maybe the only thing we can do is let them come, acknowledge their existence, and try to find a good memory to replace each one as it comes. I can’t see that fighting them has any effect. People assure me that it WILL get better and, although I can’t see it yet, I know so many who have suffered losses and are surviving or even thriving, so I’ve got to put my faith in that. Cry if and when you need to. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t, but it is a defensive weapon that we have in order to cope with unrelenting grief. I personally think that humans can only sustain a certain amount of grief - probably different for each of us - for a finite amount of time and then it has to change. Maybe the changes are so subtle we will not be aware until one day we recognize that something has shifted. At least that is what I’m hoping for because where I am now is agony. Please take heart and try to believe there is good in the future. We just have to survive long enough to get there.

I do the opposite. When people ask how I am I admit honestly that I am not doing well. Some just say sorry to hear it and that's it. But it's amazing how many will ask and offer whatever sympathy, assistance, etc. they have. It all helps. It's good to carry on, but don't wear a mask.

It will never go away but our partners would not want us to be miserable. We must honor them.

I still have my brother's texts in my phone and I cannot bring myself to read them. This is really hard.

One year is not a lot of time. Be gentle with yourself. It’s been six years for me and I am just now feeling quite resilient ( although there are moments) . Everyone has their own time table. As my son said to me when my grieving seemed to be consuming me- “ if you need to cry - do it ! And know that the next morning always offers the hope and opportunity for a better day”. He also lined up a counselor for me - which really helped with the anger I felt about how it just wasn’t fair and the guilt I felt for being the one still here. I need to remind myself at times that he’s still here with me - but in a different form, he’s in my heart. And how blessed I am to have that strength within me all the time. In the end I know I will be stronger - even if I’d rather he be here with me instead. So many lessons to learn here on earth - and some simply are HARD (& quite bluntly suck). I wish you well Annie. I believe in your strength. But don’t force it - it will come.

I still have voice mails in my phone - wish I had saved even more. It’s bittersweet to listen to them and hear his voice.

Sometimes I have to imagine I was the one on the other side - I would be so flattered to know how missed I was, - that those I loved were still seeking out memories of me thru texts and listening to my voice on phone messages.. I have done both of those. My husband has been gone 6 years. Bittersweet. Then I think of what I would tell my husband if it were he still on earth missing me… I think we all know. That love doesn’t leave. That we should take advantage of our days and find joy. Time passes quickly and we will be reunited, and that they want us to live fully, to laugh often, to love. They would remind us that all happens as it should as there couldn’t be any other way. Doesn’t make it any easier, I know. But - sometimes it helps.

I need to remind myself of that all the time. But it’s hard to learn to live in a different way - even harder to live again. Not sure I’ll ever get there