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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@marty1996 Marty, reading your posts about your son's passing makes my heart hurt. When I think about how I would feel if anything so horrendous was to happen to my son or daughter, I know it would be unbearable.
Your tribute letter to your son is beautiful. I think that he is with you still, just in a different way. You have your own angel now in heaven watching over you.
@rmftucker I am sorry to hear of the passing of your husband. I can imagine how difficult it must be to be alone and isolated in these times. We are fortunate at least to be able to keep in touch with calls, texts, Facetime, etc. I hope those resources will bring a bit of joy into each day for you. I know they are not the same of course, particularly since you have children close by, but for now, it has to suffice. Hopefully, this crisis will end by summer and our normal lives can resume. As you commented, we will get through this.
JK
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2 Reactions@marty1996 He is with you this is showing you in the birds you see ,same thing happened when my husband died . Take refuge in these moments .beautiful
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2 ReactionsThank you so much bless you and yours💙🙏❤
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1 ReactionI am so with you. My life is a roller coaster. Some days are quiet and I seem to be "accepting" that my husband is gone and I will only see him in my dreams. Other days I am wild with grief, sobbing, banging my hands and sometimes even screaming. I have been told it will get better and I hope so. In the meantime, you just get through each day as best you can. Love and peace.
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3 ReactionsAfter a loved one, dear friend, or pet dies, it's normal go have Grief Brain (a medical term). Grief Brain is mental forgetfulness and confusion and can last for months. After my daughter died I lost my comb. I searched in normal and odd places. Finally found my comb in the refrigerator!
I just started writing my 10th grief book and am going to discuss Grief Brain. My husband died in November of 2020 and I had Grief Brain for about six months. Thankfully, I could tell when my brain was returning to normal. When it comes to Grief Brain, we need to be gentle with ourselves.
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2 ReactionsHi, @thisismarilynb I hope your day is going well today, the sun is shining, and you notice something beautiful today. Personally, I woke today to memories of our grandson's graduation from high school. It made me smile and forget for a few moments.
Not for everyone, I am sure, but for me, one of the healthiest things I came to understand about grief was that grief is intensely personal. It was extra exhausting to me when folks, well-meaning I'm sure, would insist on telling me where I was on some grief scale or worse, what 'step' I was on! Our loved one was unique, our journey together in our lives was unique, our caregiving relationship was unique, our love was unique! I believe this results in each of our grief trips being unique. Once I gave myself permission to feel however I needed to at any given day, time of day, etc., I was far more comfortable in my grief. It was the same when I gave myself permission to act on my grief however it felt best -- to me, not to others. I love to write and share stories and memories of my wife, our lives together, and such. For instance, during the week of our grandson's graduation, I admit certain aspects of it made me sad and intensified my feelings of grief, so i found it comforting to share a memory or two and tell some stories about us.
I wish you a safe and healthy ride on your personal roller coaster!
Keep in touch and I continue to wish you Strength, Courage, & Peace
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1 ReactionA good day to you also Indiana Scott. I am feeling rather more normal today but I went through some very rough periods to get here. My granddaughter was married last Saturday. I did receive an invitation to the wedding, but no help in getting myself from the airport to the venue. My son was very brusque in his reply. Then the daughter of my late first cousin emailed me that she was willing to fly from Toronto to California and take me to the wedding in Oklahoma. I was overwhelmed by her generosity. I contacted my son who then proceeded to tell me that I should not make any plans because I was not welcome at the wedding. His reason was that I had insulted his family. On the evening of the wedding I was in a bad way. At 2:15 AM I was ready to take those pills and so I did call the number of the suicide line. A spoke extensively with a lovely young lady and afterwards I felt much better and know for sure in my heart that no matter what happens I will never feel that way again. I think it was because I could tell her everything about what has been happening to me and my feelings without being interrupted or told I should have done this or that. It just got out and that was that. This morning I had my former caregiver over because I needed a couple of things done that required some climbing on the small stepladder and I cannot do that. Then I took her to lunch. We had a wonderful time together. I have also done a lot of thinking about things and discovered other things about myself. I think it is true that the more you know the better it is. Because what I discovered made me feel better. It doesn't make anything better, but you feel better because you know the reason why you feel the way you do. I am getting another six weeks of physical therapy. Hopefully this will do a lot for my hip. It will also help me to feel more normal. Maybe I will also be able to make funeral arrangements for my husband. His cremains are with me and I have not been able to address this issue. I have been fretting about this, but now I have been able to feel - so what? When I am ready I will do it. In the meantime I talk to him and sometimes I yell at him, and most times I cry and tell him how much I love and miss him. I have been helped so much by you and the others in this group. You will never know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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4 ReactionsThis is so interesting. I believe this is what I must have. I thought it was from some medication I was given for depression. I know I could just feel that there was something not quite right with my brain. This is such a help. I am 87 years old and was afraid I would have to go and live in one of those assisted living places. Right now I am still able to take care of myself and now I know that this too shall pass. Thank you so much.
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3 ReactionsGood morning, @thisismarilynb Thanks for sharing such an important post! I am so pleased you used the hotline and found it helpful! I have used it and likewise was helped by an amazing person on the other end!
I understand (at least in part) your feelings about the wedding. I am estranged from my sister and it goes back a long, long way. I've tried to overcome my feelings, but so far just can't. So I work on accepting this different aspect of my life.
I also understand your thoughts regarding your husband's cremains. My wife asked that some of her ashes be spread in five locations, each a different spot on some water, with the remainder being interred with mine someday. Initially, I felt like I had to "finish" this request immediately but then realized that was impossible since the locations were pretty far apart, COVID decided to visit, etc. So we do them as we can and as we are able -- both emotionally and given everyone's time and financial constraints. A case where I have had to convince myself "it the thought that counts" really does count!
Today I will find happiness with my memories of an audacious party a group of my friends and I put on 49 years ago tonight. As I think I've said before, sometimes I have to find a touch of happiness in rather strange places, but finding it is a joy!
I hope you find some touch of happiness today!
Strength, Courage, & Peace
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3 Reactions@thisismarilynb
I am just now getting back to Connect after being out of town for a few days. There was poor service as to wifi or cell services. As @IndianaScott said, I hope you feel good about making that call, it sure sounds like it was a positive thing to do! Having a neutral ear to listen to you, and not feel like you are being judged, can make such a difference. Good for you finding out more about yourself, and acknowledging that! Many times we would like to just ignore the lessons, but look how calmer and feeling more able to cope we can get to.
My twin brother told me I insulted him almost 40 years ago, and has pretty much chosen to cut me out of his life. He has two daughters whom I have never met, nor even seen pictures of; likewise at least 2 grandchildren. Several years ago I sat myself down, and realized it was his loss, not mine. And his family's loss. There was an attempt to come to an understanding, but he chose to not participate, again his loss.
Live your life, make the funeral plans when you are ready, there is no timeline for that. Discover or rediscover hobbies that will feed your heart. Reach out to others as you have here, knowing that you have helped so many in relating your own tale. Get that additional PT and march in there with the express idea of getting your hip squared away!
What brought you a smile today?
Ginger
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