1. < Loss & Grief

Loss of husband: I'm only existing, how do I live again?

Posted by thisismarilynb @thisismarilynb, Apr 20, 2022

We were married 59 years. I don't feel like a person anymore. Shortly after his death, I had to have a full hip replacement and was alone. I feel I will never be the same. I am not living, only existing.

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Harriet Hodgson | @harriethodgson1 | May 6, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "It is not so easy. Losing him is not the only thing going on. We had..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

It is not so easy. Losing him is not the only thing going on. We had no inkling this was coming. He fell and broke his femur. We was in one of those so-called skilled nursing facilities. Ha! He kept getting infection after infection. In three months we was gone. Then I had a full hip replacement. Not due to a fall. Just bone on bone. Had to go through this alone. The facility I was in was pure hell. Now my youngest son has decided to cut me out of his family. Next week my granddaughter is getting married but I was specifically told I was not welcome. It all too much to handle. I tried going for counseling but I had to drive 23 miles on interstate 10 one way. Then back. Too much stress. But I did promise my oldest son I would not harm myself so even though in the darkness of night and my life it is tempting, I will not do so.

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Does your church or local hospital have grief groups? If so, you may attend a couple of meetings before signing up. Check out online support communities too.

REPLY
1 reply
Mentor
Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | May 6, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

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@thisismarilynb I am so glad to see you posting this morning. Do you see/read the support you are receiving from us here?

Was the person you were seeing for therapy someone you "clicked" with? Can you do telehealth or zoom with them? Are there friends or neighbors near you to reach out to? Take a deep breath, and do go to the library today! The power of those books all lined up, waiting for you to explore them, can't be denied!

As for your granddaughter's wedding, remember the refusal to include you is about them, not about you. Heaven only knows what might have set them off. Send a lovely card, a small gift, to rejoice in that union, and let them know you are thinking about her. On that day take yourself out for a nice meal, and an adventure.

What will you do today to bring a smile to your face?
Ginger

REPLY
1 reply
gema98 | @gema98 | May 6, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

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I totally understand, I met my husband when I was 16 started dating at 17 and then married almost 50 years but lost him to cancer 4 months before our anniversary. This was when Covid pandemic has just started, we could only have 10 people at the funeral so I still feel I had no real closure. Then I was diagnosed with autoimmune PBC and liver biopsy showed cirrhosis. I have so many down days and have a good cry, I get outside now to walk since snow is gone and I will forever miss him. Hugs and prayers to keep you safe❤️
God has our plan!

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mikaylar | @mikaylar | May 6, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "Thank you for your kind words, Mikayla, but I am a humanist. My feelings are that..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

Thank you for your kind words, Mikayla, but I am a humanist. My feelings are that a child is created through a biological process. I have no problem with others believing what they want. The process works the other way, however. I know other humanists have been criticized for their beliefs, but to me they are just as valid.

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You are also a mother. Can you imagine the pain your son would have? Do you want him to feel the pain you are feeling now? And he has a much longer life to suffer with that pain. My brother committed a horrific suicide 11 months ago that involved several other people and it hurts really bad. We are all here for a short time, even the birds and bugs. Please, try to make your time special.
Mikayla

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thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | May 6, 2022

I think you must have misunderstood my post. I stated that I had made a promise to my son that I would not hurt myself and so I did not. Your remarks do not reflect that statement.

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thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | May 6, 2022
In reply to @gingerw "@thisismarilynb I am so glad to see you posting this morning. Do you see/read the support..." + (show)
@gingerw

@thisismarilynb I am so glad to see you posting this morning. Do you see/read the support you are receiving from us here?

Was the person you were seeing for therapy someone you "clicked" with? Can you do telehealth or zoom with them? Are there friends or neighbors near you to reach out to? Take a deep breath, and do go to the library today! The power of those books all lined up, waiting for you to explore them, can't be denied!

As for your granddaughter's wedding, remember the refusal to include you is about them, not about you. Heaven only knows what might have set them off. Send a lovely card, a small gift, to rejoice in that union, and let them know you are thinking about her. On that day take yourself out for a nice meal, and an adventure.

What will you do today to bring a smile to your face?
Ginger

Jump to this post

Am not sending anything. Not only did my husband die, but so did her grandfather. Never received a word of sympathy. When I went through the hip replacement, never received a word asking how I was doing. So no, I will recuse myself from that event. I am going to the library and getting books. Hopefully if I make good choices some will bring a smile to my face.

REPLY
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | May 6, 2022
In reply to @IndianaScott "Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988 for free to talk to a counsellor at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

These folks are trained to help in ways beyond what we might be able to offer here online. Plus hearing a live voice and talking things through with a trained professional can be invaluable.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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I do not believe I need to call the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I acknowledge that I did feel I did not want to live at a very low point in my life. But having said that, I believe it is a sin to take one's life and I also gave my son my solemn promise that I would not harm myself.

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1 reply
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | May 6, 2022
In reply to @harriethodgson1 "Does your church or local hospital have grief groups? If so, you may attend a couple..." + (show)
@harriethodgson1

Does your church or local hospital have grief groups? If so, you may attend a couple of meetings before signing up. Check out online support communities too.

Jump to this post

I am not of the Christian faith so do not go to any church. There is a bereavement group in our complex, but my next-door neighbor who has attended this group told me that I would not get any help there. This is something I have to do on my own as I have done my whole life. The biggest problem is that there are multiple things happening. Too overwhelming. I need to tackle them one at a time.

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | May 6, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

Jump to this post

Marilyn, not being able to celebrate your granddaughter's special day helps to understand why you were feeling so especially low and lonely. While being estranged from one of your sons may not be new, it may have been new to deal with that loss without your husband. Families are complicated.

@leerizz shared a website that lists other online grief support groups that may offer further support when and how you need it. Each online support, including Mayo Clinic Connect, have different formats.

Good that you are getting a referral for additional PT for your hip. I hope it helps with ease of mobility. Let me know what you pick up at the library. I'm reading Agent Sonya, a true spy story by Ben McIntyre at the moment. It's taking me a very long time to read it because I stop to look up history facts and things I didn't know about. Whatever did we do before the convenience of researching things on the internet?

REPLY
Harriet Hodgson | @harriethodgson1 | May 6, 2022
In reply to @IndianaScott "Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988 for free to talk to a counsellor at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

These folks are trained to help in ways beyond what we might be able to offer here online. Plus hearing a live voice and talking things through with a trained professional can be invaluable.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Jump to this post

I agree with Scott. Please call or text 988, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

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