Feeling depressed 2 years after successful transplant

Yes, yes and yes:) I am two years post kidney transplant and have dealt with a lot of emotions, I don't always know what to do with. I believe they arise from a combination of things. Certainly, the roller coaster of feeling your Life Energy slowly leaving, day by day, as your body prepares to die from organ failure; then experiencing the immediacy of Life coming back to you, by way of a gift you can never repay..... it is amazing, terrifying, and life altering. I would imagine a lot of us are in those in-between years of - not old but certainly not young - with children leaving our homes and starting their new lives. Many have faced career changes and/or retirement. Our old lives don't really fit anymore. Which can lead to some depressed thoughts and feelings, to which I always respond, "How can you feel anything but gratitude to be alive?" Which then leads to guilt.

I think transplant is a lot of things. It is a miracle. It is an amazing gift of life, which I have done nothing to particularly earn, nor can I repay it. It is an adjustment to living with, what often feels like a pregnancy to me - carrying something that is not really of my body. It is taking anti-rejection drugs that keep my body damped down , not exactly at the top of its game - where it would destroy my new organ - but functioning higher than it was before surgery. I have not cured my body. I have altered it, added to it. It's a lot to process. I think the body springs back from transplant in a matter of hours but the psyche has to catch up and it takes a while. And I think it is important to allow ourselves time to feel sad about the parts of our life that we no longer have. We have experienced loss, trauma, and a miracle.

I know the end of one chapter in Life, is the beginning of a new one, and the attitude we choose to, either embrace it or shrink from it, will greatly influence what that Life looks like. I am trying to redefine my role at work, to more of a part-time endeavor. I am working out most days, building muscle, as it is suddenly very important to me to feel Strong. I am spending more time in Nature. I am making time to do the things I longed to do, when I was in kidney failure and could barely walk across a room without having to sit down to catch my breath. And each week, I see at least one friend for tea, a nature walk, crafts, or at book club.

Blessings on your journey!

@krsunny1,
It has been a couple weeks since you have been here, so I am wondering how you are getting along. Are you feeling any better after connecting with other transplant recipients here?
You mentioned bothersome side effects of medications. All of us have experienced some side effects from our medications, and I know that myself and others would be willing to listen and to share our experiences that worked for us. What kind of side effects are bothering you?

Side effects that bother me the most effect my sleep patterns. I am wide awake at night, but sleepy in the daytime. I have been talking to a sleep specialist who thinks I have obstructive sleep apnea and central sleep disorder(?). Will do overnight sleep study at Mayo sleep lab in mid May to confirm.
Also, restarted individual therapy with psychiatrist. Feeling some better emotionally, but still a deep sense of loneliness. May have more to do with recent retirement, isolation due to COVID and distance from family than my lung transplant. I am connecting with transplant community in Georgia which helps. I will keep you updated on my progress.

@krsunny1, Oh, Please do keep in touch! Your response is so full of optimism and hope that I want to hear more - when you have more to add.
I hope that the sleep study will provide some answers and will lead to treatment. If you have any questions about a sleep study or want to connect with someone, I recommend that you check out the Sleep Health Discussion Group. Here is the link that will take you there.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/sleep-health/
Will you be at the Jacksonville Mayo for the sleep study?

Side effects that bother me the most effect my sleep patterns. I am wide awake at night, but sleepy in the daytime. I have been talking to a sleep specialist who thinks I have obstructive sleep apnea and central sleep disorder(?). Will do overnight sleep study at Mayo sleep lab in mid May to confirm.
Also, restarted individual therapy with psychiatrist. Feeling some better emotionally, but still a deep sense of loneliness. May have more to do with recent retirement, isolation due to COVID and distance from family than my lung transplant. I am connecting with transplant community in Georgia which helps. I will keep you updated on my progress.

@krsunny1, I want to introduce you to a member who just recently posted a concern about sleeplessness. @stolson1, who has a liver transplant and is beginning to experience a similar problem as you are - sleeplessness. I am also guessing that you have had your transplants for nearly the same length of time.
@stolson1, I have shared a link to the Sleep Health Discussion in a reply yesterday. You might be interested.
Has either of your sleep difficulty started suddenly? Or has it been gradual? Have your doctors ruled out medication side effects?

@krsunny1, I want to introduce you to a member who just recently posted a concern about sleeplessness. @stolson1, who has a liver transplant and is beginning to experience a similar problem as you are - sleeplessness. I am also guessing that you have had your transplants for nearly the same length of time.
@stolson1, I have shared a link to the Sleep Health Discussion in a reply yesterday. You might be interested.
Has either of your sleep difficulty started suddenly? Or has it been gradual? Have your doctors ruled out medication side effects?