What IS the point? Adult kids don't seem to care.

I think a lot of this has to do with covid, being isolated and then when one goes out it’s not the same with masks and staying 6 feet apart you can’t even be social with someone. I am 73 and my husband is 82 and we have no children so I totally understand how you feel. My best friend and family is in the UK and my
Other friend is in New Mexico. I joined the gym before covid and met someone to walk with but even though I am married I still get really lonely at times. I wonder if you have Nextdoor on your computer in your area, it’s a place to ask for someone say to walk in your area or if there ar knitting classes etc. maybe you could join a church if you haven’t, they always seem to help their congregation. I get depressed occasionally which if you knew me before covid you would never have thought it possible. When I feel out of sorts I look around at what I have nice house, gardening, husband and realize how lucky I really am. Good luck and happy 2022

When I was young I went to a exceptionally gifted therapist for a few years. I recall his telling me that whenever a neighbor’s son came over to play with his own son, this neighbor boy had a steady stream of complaints about his parents. My therapist told me he knew the boy’s parents & they were really good parents! Please rest assured you have done your part for your children, God Bless.

I’ll bet they care more than you think. They are rightly busy with their lives and surviving. Make short calls to them.

@nousername
I can understand how you feel. I have an adult son and an adult daughter both of whom live a somewhat long distance from us. My son stays in frequent contact, when we weren't even leaving the house he called every day, but my daughter calls extremely infrequently and only occasionally texts. If we text her the response is often a single word! The thing is though when she visits she is very much with us. Are your kids like that when you are with them?

My daughter and her husband were here for about a week at Christmas and spent a lot of time with us and my daughter was constantly helpful. I wonder, if we lived closer so they didn't have to come for a slightly extended visit, if we would actually see them as much. Probably not!

I know socialization is difficult during these times but if possible see if you can do some in-person visits. Before my daughter and her husband visited they both got tested for Covid because knowing we are older and that I'm immunosuppressed they try to be very careful to not bring germs with them.

My husband tends to think that THEY should call us, we should not have to call them but I have to remind him that his mother called us frequently and we were always glad to hear from her. The only reason we often didn't think to initiate a call was that we were often busy. Have you tried calling them, and keeping it brief, just like a little check to see how they are? They very well might appreciate that. It can't hurt to try.
JK

We built our life around our kids, too. I have three grown children, now, two attentive, and my eldest who rarely calls - and then only when he needs something. Thank you for being so honest in sharing your feelings. I relate and needed to read the various helpful comments that followed. When I had my head on straight, I came to the conclusion that loving my kids, unconditionally, IS the point! It's going to be very difficult for them to fault us for that, one day, especially after they have children of their own and understand what it is like to be sick, themselves. I have always loved my kids but am needing to love myself, right now, enough to take into account that my children are still evolving. Some of us learn the importance of family earlier, others later in life. I know I learned later. There were years that I was off in Hawaii, seemingly having a great time, and yet, when I look back on those years, and many years that followed, I realize I was going through some very tough life lessons as a young adult and, therefore, was oblivious to the various medical problems my mother was going through at the same time. Probably - just as she did - I'm still waiting for my eldest to come to grips with himself enough to realize how much he is loved and cherished. His entire focus, rather, right now, is working long hours to establish himself, financially, and to find a suitable life partner. One day his head is going to surface above the water and, after taking a deep breath, is bound to notice the beauty of the blue sky. I need to love myself enough to know we are all in different places in life and the life lessons we all go through are difficult. Sooner or later our grown children will figure it out. It may be too late for me to reap the benefits from my eldest but I appreciate so much the legacy of loving-kindness my mother left me in spite of my failure to understand what she was going through. Ironically, the lengthiest response I get from my eldest is when I ask him how he is doing.

Thank you for the comforting message.

I have gone through this for years, including some caution on comments, needs, etc when my sons got married. I kept hoping that more connection would happen as they aged toward their 40s. Didn't happen; we went to weddings and reception, never in the pictures or spoken to. On it went, and then I started reading about Parental Alienation and, more accurately, Rules of Estrangement (Joshua Coleman). Finally realized I do not need to carry the load of the relationship; did give notice and stopped sending Christmas and birthday mail. This was a relief; after all I have been putting in thought, time shopping, and money to buy and mail items only to hear nothing. It has made those days so much better for me! The thing is to remain open and thank them for any phone calls they make to connect; kind of a thing of gratitude rather than keeping up expectations. I am still very, very sad that in older age I cannot expect more familily time and connections. I keep saying I gave my kids wings but I didn't expect them to fly so far away! I may never see my 42 year old again, but I do get to talk often with the younger son. And that has to be enough.

@marye2 I'm sorry that one of your sons is so distant, I can imagine how difficult that must be. I think you are probably right in realizing that you should not be the one putting all of the efforts in though. I really thought that once my daughter was through college and didn't "need" us anymore we might have very little contact with her but thankfully as she has aged she has grown closer and closer.

I know someone though who continually sets himself up for disappointment with his son and daughter. They very rarely contact him, they really don't even know or seem to care what is going on in his life Yet he still continues to try. His son and daughter are not young, they are in their late 50s so by now should know better. It's sad when adult children are such ingrates. With one of the above-mentioned adult children I know she imagines slights but they are in her mind only, they never actually happened. I think she has resentments based on delusions. Is it possible that your son sees something in his past that he perceives incorrectly? I know that can be a stretch, but I do know that can happen.
JK

My children have accused me of doing negative things upon reading a book about emotional neglect. I know that I did my best, but this weighs on me. I remember many times that I took action or issued directions without talking them through the problem. It's hard to remember the positive things, such as standing up for them against grandparents, teachers; driving them to their activities; organizing activities with their classes, having them live with us as adults, paying for lessons and more. None of this weighs against emotional neglect. The children have partners, good careers, aren't into drugs or alcohol, one has financial challenges, two have houses. I never hit them or berated them. but now one Hasn't talked to me in more than two years. The oldest attacks me verbally and unfortunately, I have reacted with anger and denial. The youngest approached my husband and I with understanding and opened a conversation that was hard, but healing. I am trying to get past the hopelessness of it all and the pain. This is too long. Thanks for listening to me.

@junkartist It's hard when perceptions are what are causing an estrangement. I have relatives who are finally trying to communicate - mother and son - and understand where each is coming from.

I doubt there are many parents who haven't at some point done something they regret but hopefully as the children age, if they remember an incident such as that, they can weigh it against all of the good and caring moments.

I hope in time you will be able to resume a relationship with your estranged son. I think eventually he may regret that tremendously if he does not try to reach an agreement.
JK