Don't Want To Be a Complainer

Hi my username is Ursweetpam. I can relate so much to what you are saying totally! My mother suffered for the last decade or so of her life with severe rheumatoid arthritis and back pain issues. She worked hard most of her life and even after she started having problems but it seemed that when we spoke, it was almost always about the pain. I used to get so upset sometimes because it became an all the time thing towards the end of her life. I just didn't have the experience yet to know what it mist have been like for her every day to wake up and feel that way for years. I used to believe she was a " complainer" Honestly, I don't think that she was. No other person can really judge how another feels. Even for the same kind of pain, it can be different. That us what makes us unique. We need to be more understanding when someone is hurting. I found out the hard way that she was probably suffering a great deal. I had a mucrodiscectomy/ laminectomy is 2015. I woke up to excruciating ,crushing pain in my back, left hip and my entire left leg. The surgeon said my back surgery was a fail because I had bone death to my vertibrate caused by undiagnosed severe osteoporosis and I have arachnoiditis that glued my nerve roots together and caused them to misfire. I never knew pain like that even existed! The surgeon also cut into my dura 3 times so I had to lay flat on my back for 24 hours and required 4 large blood patches. I couldn't walk far at all for 2 years because it turned out that my left hip and left pelvis was off center and out of the socket from the surgery to my back. I found i was always in pain and i talked about it a lot. My kids don't understand. They say that it's all I talk about and now I understand just what my mother was going through. I think that the pain Drs see so many people everyday and we all say we are in pain. They have become used to hearing it....so much so that they have lost empathy to our plight. I worry too if they think I am always complaining and if they think I am just seeking drugs (my pcp flagged me for that until she got the MRI tests back) You have to keep reminding yourself that you are just as impostant as everyone else. You know it's real and how bad it is for you...not everyone else. Maybe you do have a low tolerance for pain. So what! No one else lives inside you and you can't show anyone how you feel so let them judge and think what they want. Be honest and never stop looking for something that works for you. Until they are where you are, they can't possibly know what it's like. Hope this helps.

I’ve suffered with CRPS and Neuropathy for over 22 years. Every morning when I wake up, my wife asks me how I’m feeling. I usually feel terrible, in pain and tired from another sleepless night. I don’t want to tell her the truth about my pain. It gets old hearing “I feel like crap” every day. But I don’t want to lie to her either. So I just say I’m okay or I’m still honey. I don’t know what I should tell her because there’s rarely a good day. Any suggestions.

I’ve suffered with CRPS and Neuropathy for over 22 years. Every morning when I wake up, my wife asks me how I’m feeling. I usually feel terrible, in pain and tired from another sleepless night. I don’t want to tell her the truth about my pain. It gets old hearing “I feel like crap” every day. But I don’t want to lie to her either. So I just say I’m okay or I’m still honey. I don’t know what I should tell her because there’s rarely a good day. Any suggestions.

@msg I can very much understand this dilemma. While I believe honestly is the best policy, I also think there could be another consideration at play here. Having to acknowledge and speak of your pain each morning could set you on a path of having that be a focus of your day rather than a topic that would be more encouraging and hopeful.

You will notice I did move your post into an existing conversation with members sharing your same sentiment, i.e. not wanting to complain about the pain. Members such as @dianrib @ursweetpam @jfsherley @lioness @parus may be able to share their thoughts as well.

As for how to approach this with your wife, one thing to consider is to have a basic understanding, by way of a blanket conversation perhaps, to share that you don't want to feel disingenuous by not being honest about the state of how you are feeling each morning but also don't want that admission to be one of the first affirmations of your day each day.

In all honesty, "how are you feeling" or "how did you sleep" is a pretty common way to start morning conversation after saying "good morning". Maybe the pair of you can come up with another thing you say to one another to move the conversation away from discussing your pain? Maybe you agree to ask one another "what is one thing you are looking forward to doing today?" to create a sense of hope and joy to start the day instead!

Do you think your wife would be receptive and do you think that would help your concern?

Thank you for the great advice. You are truly understanding and insightful to all of us who live with pain daily.

@msg I can very much understand this dilemma. While I believe honestly is the best policy, I also think there could be another consideration at play here. Having to acknowledge and speak of your pain each morning could set you on a path of having that be a focus of your day rather than a topic that would be more encouraging and hopeful.

You will notice I did move your post into an existing conversation with members sharing your same sentiment, i.e. not wanting to complain about the pain. Members such as @dianrib @ursweetpam @jfsherley @lioness @parus may be able to share their thoughts as well.

As for how to approach this with your wife, one thing to consider is to have a basic understanding, by way of a blanket conversation perhaps, to share that you don't want to feel disingenuous by not being honest about the state of how you are feeling each morning but also don't want that admission to be one of the first affirmations of your day each day.

In all honesty, "how are you feeling" or "how did you sleep" is a pretty common way to start morning conversation after saying "good morning". Maybe the pair of you can come up with another thing you say to one another to move the conversation away from discussing your pain? Maybe you agree to ask one another "what is one thing you are looking forward to doing today?" to create a sense of hope and joy to start the day instead!

Do you think your wife would be receptive and do you think that would help your concern?