How to overcome grief over deceased donor after transplant?

Hi, @shepn7. If you lived near me, I would invite you over and we would sit in my backyard swing and share conversation while sipping on some iced tea. However, since that is not possible, I would like to suggest that you not be hard on yourself. Grief is an individual response and the time to let go of it is as varied as is the suggestions that you have been offered here.

I am aware that all of the suggestions that you have received are related to your feelings with your liver donor. I am also aware, as you mentioned in your first post, that you have experiences the loss of 3 special people within a short span of time. You are carrying a heavy burden that is likely compounded by your body's reaction to the post transplant medications. From my experience, my emotions can get out of whack (for lack of a better term) when I am under a high level of stress. Have you considered the possibility that the timing of your transplant anniversary and the deaths of your loved ones are part of your ongoing grief?
I want to share the Loss & Grief Discussion on Connect. It is a safe place where you can meet people who have experienced loss and grief. As a member on Connect you are welcome to read and to join any conversation. Your comments and questions are welcome anytime.
-Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/loss-and-grief-how-are-you-doing/
Shepn7, Have you discussed your grief with your transplant team? How is your physical health since transplant?

I am waiting for a Pancreas/kidney but I have been on the other side my brother was hit by a car in 1992 he was 16 we Donated his organs and got to meet his heart recipient the loss of my brother was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but it helped meeting his heart recipient it gave us a sense of Peace I got to dance with Jim at my wedding it all started with the letter we received from him I understand what your going through but please be at peace knowing that your Donor family feels the same way we do

Thanks for sharing this sweet story.

@rosmarya I spoke to my transplant team and they gave me the info for a transplant support group over Zoom. I only went to a few sessions. Everyone was over 60 and I'm considerably younger and at a very different point in my life, so I had a really hard time relating to them. It was also very overwhelming to hear the utter nonchalance with which they spoke about their donors. Most everyone in the zoom meeting has been on dialysis multiple times and had multiple transplants. I know transplanted kidneys don't last forever, but the idea of being that sick again and having to go back on dialysis is terrifying to me. I was sick for such a long time, and waited over 4 years for a transplant---and facing the reality that I will be that sick again and have to go through the whole process multiple times in my life is jarring and disheartening.

My health has been ok, I guess? I gained a lot of weight after my transplant. Ive been trying to lose it through diet and exercise, but it has and continues to be difficult.

I'll check out the loss and grief board. Thank you for the information.

@gingerw I actually reached out to the National Kindey Foundation, and they got me connected with a peer mentor, someone who has experienced the same thing. She had a transplant, and experienced and worked through her grief, and initally just having someone to talk to who has experienced the same things was and has been helpful. But I can't just keep talking about how sad I am about it over and over again. Thats not productive and it doesn't change how I feel to rehash it with her. She came to peace with it, and eventually I think I will be able to do the same. I just wish I could force myself to feel differently. I just feel like I am being ungrateful and wasting time with this grief that I can't seem to let go of. Thanks for your reply. It was very thoughtful.

@shepn7 The people who donated to your second chance at life, did so knowingly. For decades I have been registered as a donor, and hope that when I no longer need this physical body, parts will be able to help another person. You can wonder about what the donor's life would have been like, what milestones they will not experience themselves, and vow to yourself to make a difference, do something in their honor.

Would you try thinking along those lines and tell me how that makes you feel?
Ginger