When things just don't get better

@lacy2
Hi J.S. I do so agree with you. Kindness costs absolutely nothing, and yet some people can't seem to express it. Weird if you ask me.
You guys and we are a bit similar, at least superficially. We have been married 42 years and I am 5 years younger than Linda. We always kidded each other about how that was perfect, as men tend to die approx. 5 years before their wives, so if I am 5 years younger maybe we'll both kick together 🤞😊. Fortunately (knocking on wood here) I am mostly healthy and able bodied and am able to provide for whatever she can not do for herself due to pain or lack of energy. That must have been extremely challenging for you to have to pick up the reins for your household while he was incapacitated. The situation surrounding his bypass surgery must have demanded a lot of trips to medical facilities. Did you have relatives that could help or were you relegated to taxis and Ubers/Lyfts? Are you near Vancouver or a more remote locale? It pains me so to think about those such as you guys, with so many problems and not adequate help. I wish society offered a way for ones who need some assistance to connect with those who would be willing to provide some fill-in help as needed, for people who want to (and mostly still can) live on their own but just need that extra help here and there. I'd sign up to do what I could. Heck, it seems like an online app could be created to do that somehow. I am glad you have found Connect JS, it has been a big help to both Linda and myself this past year. I have learned lot's of helpful things and met some truly wonderful people in the process. And as for BC, there is some of the most gorgeous scenery I have ever seen, both in BC and in Alberta. Our trip through that area in 2001 was one of our fondest memories. Unfortunately 9/11 cut it short, as we were in Revelstoke on that day. My best to you, Hank

...felt a bit under the weather for a few days and catching up: we are in Northern Ontario.... 50,000 population and hospital here but no cardiac dr., rheumatologist, oncologist so go to larger hospital about 1.5 hours away.
So husband one morning just came into my bedroom and said I don't feel well, think I will lie down for a bit: he "never" says that.... but then he said can I use your blood pressure monitor as mine is showing my pulse really high, then low, then high...sure I said: his B.P. was good but pulse erratic and just the look on his face and sort of "grey" I said.. do you want me to call an ambulance? Yes he said and next thing he is flown to the other centre by helicopter... the news.. triple bypass, but they were swamped and waited 2 weeks. He already had bowel cancer and has diabetes so stayed 6 days instead of 4 after operation.
For a month after he said he couldnt breath and everyone said thats normal after heart surgery..... but had xray via family doctor and admitted right away had Hemothorax, and they took 3 litres blood from lung area and he had collapsed lung...but that was done in local hospital. He is progressing slowly, wound on leg where they took vein has not healed so its been almost 2 months daily dressings and nurse comes here. So getting that help.
Sooo, reason I thought I would mention this (as a change from my problems!) and sorry to be so long-winded but is to show how quickly it can happen - he had been on cholesterol pills etc. prior to... and if he had just gone by blood pressure would have thought he had the flu or such .. but it was the "pulse" reading that was the warning sign so thought I'd pass that info along....
We are managing but for first time sort of snapping at each other which we didnt do before and it's just the stress level, Covid, daily routine gone down the tubes etc...... but we are here for each other. Since then two of daughter's friends have had chest pain and both slated for bypass surgery this month! (Hank, have never been to BC but husband worked there for a few years in a sawmill and yes beautiful scenery I hear) J.

@lacy2
JS, for some reason I got the impression you'd said you lived in BC, sorry 'bout that. Also sorry your husband suffered this unexpected health crisis which put both your lives into turmoil. Stressful!

The snapping at each other might just be a normal reaction to the stress. Beware though that if he was given any steroids while in the hospital, those can cause temporary personality changes. It happened to me about 20 years ago when I got steroids for 3 days after an MS diagnosis. I became more easily angered. The effect lasted a month or two, and it helped a lot to realize it when it dawned on my wife that the doctor had mentioned this possibility. I am not sure if anesthesia can also do this, but I suspect that might be a possibility as well. Just FYI to be aware and consider all the possibilities. My best to you, Hank

@jesfactsmon ... gosh no worries about BC Hank .... had husband's medical problem happened years ago I would have been able to handle it ... just that not well myself it was a bit overwhelming.. and although I have always had concern for others going through situations like this, there is nothing like going through it ourselves eh? Thanks for the info about the meds.. over the years we havent agreed on everything but this was such a different personality change and for first few weeks I handled it well but then it got to me - hurtful, and then guilty because of my response. As I have read or been told: "we are only human" after all. Things are falling into place more now although I would honestly say I have not had a full, "happy," normal-for-me day for years and have resigned myself to this "new me." I isolated myself long before covid (too long to explain) and although still have my licence, decided not to drive any more as i feel I can drive but not "react" as quickly in an emergency. But I do miss the life I used to lead, dashing around the house tidying up , cooking, shopping, on the desktop keeping in touch with relatives and a few friends: now friends have passed away (here and UK) as well as family and of course with lockdowns etc. that put the icing on the cake. I so feel for those alone with no family around during this pandemic...and our winters are l-o-n-g, although so far not as much snow as usual. We are/were not travellers but did visit my children as adults then working in San Francisco 3 times and I loved it, couild have moved there in a second; then Floirda twice - loved that too; and twice 2 quick visits to LasVegas, but thats over period of 40 years. Ha, my husband came with me to visit my Mum in UK once and got so homesick he came back to Canada a week early... culture shock?.... her tiny house, the accents, money, food etc. We now laugh about it. Thank goodness I have photos of "pre-illness" days to show that there were good times... however the last three years have taken their toll, and reading of others' challenges on here (along with how some people have overcome them) ... well it is really appreciated that people share their stories, thank you.

@lacy2
JS, your description of how much your life has changed sounds very much like my wife. Exactly the same. She used to be a whirlwind around the house the first 30ish years of marriage. She was so involved in many projects. Like you we did not travel a lot during my working years, mostly just visiting family in Chicago and Detroit areas (we lived in Portland, Or.) as well as a few great trips to Hawaii and of course the trip to Canada on 2001, but that was over a span of 42 years. Since Linda got neuropathy from chemo in 2014 our travel has dwindled to pretty much nada. Because she is so debilitated by illness our lives have become very curtailed, even before covid. I can't believe we get along as well as we do. There are definitely tensions and arguments along the way but we care deeply for one another through everything. Still, I could envision a better life for us both than this one for sure. I do believe we are in God's hands, thank heavens we both have that going for us! Glad you are able to vent your feelings here on Connect. Certainly some good people here to pour them out to. Best to you, Hank

Hi Daphne
Only reading your message now
Feeling low today too
,just stuck in a rut
COVID, new year, happy to have this forim to share,
Gives me comfort
Take each day,try not to overthink things
Things will improve
Im sure of that
Be sure of that too
Be kind to yourself x

@lacy2
One more thing, JS. Linda just reminded me that after people have open heart surgery they do sometimes have a change in personality which can last upwards of a year. Our next door neighbor had this happen. Nicest, most affable guy you'd ever want to know, and he and his wife Barb were very very happy together. After his heart surgery, Barb said his behavior changed dramatically, he became abusively angry sometimes. Linda said she wishes doctors were more proactive about telling the families of heart patients about this. Here is something I found about it online (I am sure you can find more): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20691392/
Best, Hank

@lacy2
One more thing, JS. Linda just reminded me that after people have open heart surgery they do sometimes have a change in personality which can last upwards of a year. Our next door neighbor had this happen. Nicest, most affable guy you'd ever want to know, and he and his wife Barb were very very happy together. After his heart surgery, Barb said his behavior changed dramatically, he became abusively angry sometimes. Linda said she wishes doctors were more proactive about telling the families of heart patients about this. Here is something I found about it online (I am sure you can find more): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20691392/
Best, Hank