1. < Caregivers

Looking to talk with someone caring for a non-blood relative

Posted by buckyc71 @buckyc71, Aug 26, 2020

Good morning,
I’m Becky from Wisconsin. I will be caring for a sibling-in-law after a bone marrow transplant for MDS. I’m finding it to be very different than caring for a blood relative. I’m wondering if there are any non-blood relative caregivers out there who would be willing to have an ongoing conversation about this. Thanks.

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ZeeGee | @fourof5zs | Aug 29, 2020

@buckyc71

Becky, My husband helped me take care of my mom for two years. She passed at the age of 92 1/2 a few days ago.

My husband tells me it was just talking and getting to know each other that helped him most. He learned what he could joke about in those awkward situations that are bound to happen. Like grasping her butt to keep her from falling when getting into the car.

Learn what they like to do. What activities? .... Watch tv or movies? Art? Puzzles? Reading? They will get bored if they cannot do much physcially. If you will be responsible for meals learn what foods they like and don't like. You may have to help him with a special diet. I am not familiar with transplants.. strokes, dementia and type II mobitz was our problems to deal with.

Again it is mostly just getting to know each other. I had not lived with my mom since I was a teen. So I also had to learn her wants and needs too.

Zaee Gee

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Aug 29, 2020

@fourof5zs I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It certainly took a lot of courage and strength to get on to Connect and add to the advice! But, you’re right, your mother lived with you so the doctors felt legally safe talking to you Your brother probably had a legal POA and what’s needed to talk about healthcare decisions, is a Medical Durable Power of Attorney. This says that you have discussed everything and are speaking for your mother.
I wish you the best and hope that you will take some time for yourself. Becky

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Aug 29, 2020
In reply to @fourof5zs "@becsbuddy Becky in all my research of caring for someone I had not come across Medical..." + (show)
@fourof5zs

@becsbuddy Becky in all my research of caring for someone I had not come across Medical Power of Attorney until after my mom's death a few days ago. My eldest brother had Power of Attorney and I thought he had the say in my mom's health care.

I guess since my mom had lived with me and I was the one that took care of her medical care they always asked me about her medical care wishes and end of life decisions. She had the general dnr order, but I was asked many in depth questions of her wishes and my brother with power of attorney did not get asked those questions.

My mom could not verbally answer the questions. She had a brain bleed.. a stroke. Should could not speak nor move her left side at all. She understood all the neurologist said. I communicated with her with hand squeezes.

I really should have had Medical Power of Attorney, but fortunately the doctors worked with me and I did ask my two brothers their input. I made no decisions on my own.. mom was able to do it. I just passed on what she wanted. We had talked about her wishes as other family members and friends went through different situations. Refusal of feeding tubes, life extending measures such as a ventilator.

Now is the time to talk about your wishes with your family or your caregiver, your doctor and to have it written down. My husband and I are going to go through and update some of our documents. Things change over the years. We are trying to make it easier on our children. Even if you are young you need to take care of these legal documents.

Zee Gee

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@buckyc71 fourof5zs. Is so correct! The most important thing bout a MDPOA is that you and your BIL talk about everything first! You should know exactly what he wants and speak for him if the situation arises.

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ZeeGee | @fourof5zs | Aug 30, 2020
In reply to @becsbuddy "@fourof5zs I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It certainly took a lot of..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@fourof5zs I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It certainly took a lot of courage and strength to get on to Connect and add to the advice! But, you’re right, your mother lived with you so the doctors felt legally safe talking to you Your brother probably had a legal POA and what’s needed to talk about healthcare decisions, is a Medical Durable Power of Attorney. This says that you have discussed everything and are speaking for your mother.
I wish you the best and hope that you will take some time for yourself. Becky

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@becsbuddy
Becky, this site actually helps me. I am still tired and it shows in my typos 😄. My husband and I are putting away the medical equipment and deciding what to do with some of Mama's possessions that are at our home. We are doing a little at a time. Taking time to breath. My mom was his second mom.. as his parents were my second second set of parents. My husband loved mama as much as I did and he has cried with me.

We were allowed to take Mama's dog to the funeral home for a visit. He did not respond to the site of her or her name and has not responded to hearing “Mama” since we visited. He seems to understand that she will not be coming home. Ziggy is a mini poodle and will be 10 years old in a few weeks. .. acts like he is 3. A couple of weeks ago I caught my husband telling Ziggy he loves him. Both are loved by me.

@buckyc71
Becky, I do wish I had more suggestions for the question here, but I don't. Just sitting down and having a good talk is the best thing. You may need to write your questions and answers down. My memory is about shot, so I need notes. I set the alarm on my phone so I would remember when to give Mama her medicines... also to remind me of doctor appointments. On my ipad I could set it to remind me of appointments a day before and hours before.. so double reminding at times. Please keep us updated with his progress and ask any question you wish. I and others will try to answer the best we can.

Zee Gee

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byrnesie | @byrnesie | Aug 30, 2020

Sweet to hear your story. Inspiring. Thank you

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Sep 5, 2020
In reply to @IndianaScott "Hi @buckyc71 I am more than happy to communicate here on Connect or you can always..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Hi @buckyc71 I am more than happy to communicate here on Connect or you can always send me a private message here, but due to a number of family concerns I don't give out my personal contact information. I hope you understand. Scott

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Hi, again @buckyc71 . Haven’t heard from you and hope that is is OK. You did mention that you will be taking care of your husband’s brother. Will your husband help with his brother’s care? When is the bone arrow transplant scheduled for?

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