Death of my wife: Don't know how to move on

@charlieindia Thank you for your kind words. See I told you were a wonderful man or you wouldn't have written about my husband and my mom. My dad's name was Charlie. Love to you and healing too. Lets keep connected.

I was the primary caregiver for my husband who was first dx with mild cognitive impairment about 15 years ago. As dementia set in, it was difficult to make medical decisions for him. He had non-Hodgekins lymphoma and Afib as well as heart failure. A cardiologist wanted to do surgery to put in a filter to catch blood clots. The hemotologist felt he would have to go back on chemo before any heart surgery.. Having been in a support group at the Alzheimer's Association I saw the results of people who had been hospitalized and that was not good. They never got back to the point they were at before hospitalization.
I knew his anxiety level was high, he had spent two days in the hospital due to being admitted for an irregular heart beat, no surgery. I had told both doctors no for further treatment. At the hospital the hemotologist that saw him suggested I enroll him in a home hospice program which I did. That was the end of August. He died January 2, 2020. As probably all caregivers of people with dementia know, I found it stressful in responding to him because I never knew who I was in his eyes..Sometmes I was his sister, his cousin, some unknown person. The Alzheimer's Association said to get in his world. Not knowing what world that was, I just responded as me. While driving him to an appointment, he said, "I'm so glad Barb isn't driving! When she drives I have to hold on for dear life." What could I do? I just laughed and agreed with him! Being a caregiver is an awesome job but we had talked about wanting to die at home years before and that home hospice program allowed for great home medical care and fulfillment of that desire. I do see a therapist and I have a marvelous PCP helping me through the grieving process but the greatest help for me by far is my spiritual life and dependency on God for comfort and healing. May you open up your faith life to a new level to help you during this time.

@charlieindia I'm so glad you feel better. I noticed Scott sent you a message and it must of helped. You are a great man and I know you will be okay it may just be awhile to go through grieving. And again you did everything you could do and probably did more.

Am sorry Barbbie, my condolences for the painful loss of your dear husband so soon. Thank you for taking your time to share your experience. No words can take away your sorrows. but God will hold you by your hand in all your life. Believing in God has helped me so much without trusting him i would have not been here to share. What an experience of love and sorrow you experienced. You are great woman of virtue who fulfilled the desire of your husband to die at home. He must be proud you wherever he is looking at what you did. Everything happens for a purpose.I will surely open up to another new level of faith. Remember me and my children in your prayers. God bless you and looking forward to know how you are coping up.

@charlieindia @barbbie I first wanted to comment to Charlie what a wonderful message you sent to Barbbie. I bless you Barbbie. I know how hard it can be, like I told Charlieindia I lost my first husband in a car accident. I was only 18 and we were married for only 11 days. But it must really hard what you went through. I want to repeat Charlie's words. God is with you and don't do like I did and hated him . but I have been back with him for many years. I will keep you in my thoughts and prays. Charlieindia, I will do the same for you.

hello all. been a long time. am doing very fine am living a very happy life now i appreciate all your help it helped me very much. God bless you all

hello all. been a long time. am doing very fine am living a very happy life now i appreciate all your help it helped me very much. God bless you all

@charlieindia I am so sorry for you after the lost of your wife. I know you did everything for her for I can tell you are very loving person.
My experience of death was at age 18. I loved my husband and he ran around a lot, but did marry me, I loved him so much. He died of a car accident only after 11 days of being married and our best friend, who was only a Senior in High school, also died with him. Of course this has been 50 years ago. 1969. They will always be in my heart. My mom commited suicide at age 69. I had lots of counseling.
So is that something you might want to do? It does help. I got remarried in 1971 almost too soon, so don't be in a hurry, but do start being friends with women that attract you. It's not too much of a chance they would die before you. I know it's scary. You may have to see a Psychitrist it wouldn't be bad to start on some medicine, since you do sound depressed. I am on Lexapro, Lamicatal, and klonopin. My family has mental illness in our family..
Even my son who is Bipolar 1 and we have no contact with him There's many things before that could have caused it. Bipolar 1. He had a wife who is controlling, I'm glad she's with him, but I feel that's one reason we no contact. They have an 8 year old daughter, which was born on my birthday. I haven't seen her since she was 3, except for skyping at her grand mothers in Chicago But this year my son and his wife with my granddaughter are not going to Chicago because of the Covid-19. They are both professors, but my son can't teach because of his illness, but his wife is a very successful and got her tenour (SP) at Duke, but live in NYC now and she at Columbia. She even talked my son out of coming to Iowa for hie grandmothers funeral. We can't mail anything to them and have to mail it to the other grandmother in Chicago and she forwards it.to my Marlowe (granddaughter
I'm sorry for talkng so much about me. Take care, You will be in my thoughts and prayers.