Death of my wife

Posted by charlieindia @charlieindia, Jul 25 2:11pm

AM MALE AGED 47 YEARS OLD. I LOST MY WIFE AFTER SHE SUFFERED A STROKE 9 YEARS AGO. SINCE THEN I ALWAYS HAVE A FEELING THAT I NEVER DID ENOUGH TO SAVE HER LIFE. I HAVE FAILED TO DATE BECAUSE I ALWAYS FEEL THAT THE WOMAN I WILL MARRY WILL DIE TOO AND LEAVE ME ALONE. I REALLY DON’T KNOW HOW TO MOVE ON. PLEASE SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES

Hi @charlieindia, I'm grateful that you posted your feelings honestly and openly. I have added your message to the Loss & Grief group (https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/) as well as the depression group and am tagging fellow members @tmmmrlts @debraannk @IndianaScott @guener and @anncgrl, who have, like you, lost a partner and may have had similar feelings. You are certainly not alone.

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@charlieindia I am so sorry for you after the lost of your wife. I know you did everything for her for I can tell you are very loving person.
My experience of death was at age 18. I loved my husband and he ran around a lot, but did marry me, I loved him so much. He died of a car accident only after 11 days of being married and our best friend, who was only a Senior in High school, also died with him. Of course this has been 50 years ago. 1969. They will always be in my heart. My mom commited suicide at age 69. I had lots of counseling.
So is that something you might want to do? It does help. I got remarried in 1971 almost too soon, so don't be in a hurry, but do start being friends with women that attract you. It's not too much of a chance they would die before you. I know it's scary. You may have to see a Psychitrist it wouldn't be bad to start on some medicine, since you do sound depressed. I am on Lexapro, Lamicatal, and klonopin. My family has mental illness in our family..
Even my son who is Bipolar 1 and we have no contact with him There's many things before that could have caused it. Bipolar 1. He had a wife who is controlling, I'm glad she's with him, but I feel that's one reason we no contact. They have an 8 year old daughter, which was born on my birthday. I haven't seen her since she was 3, except for skyping at her grand mothers in Chicago But this year my son and his wife with my granddaughter are not going to Chicago because of the Covid-19. They are both professors, but my son can't teach because of his illness, but his wife is a very successful and got her tenour (SP) at Duke, but live in NYC now and she at Columbia. She even talked my son out of coming to Iowa for hie grandmothers funeral. We can't mail anything to them and have to mail it to the other grandmother in Chicago and she forwards it.to my Marlowe (granddaughter
I'm sorry for talkng so much about me. Take care, You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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@charlieindia So sorry for your loss. You were there for her when she needed you most and that is a special love.

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@lilypaws

@charlieindia I am so sorry for you after the lost of your wife. I know you did everything for her for I can tell you are very loving person.
My experience of death was at age 18. I loved my husband and he ran around a lot, but did marry me, I loved him so much. He died of a car accident only after 11 days of being married and our best friend, who was only a Senior in High school, also died with him. Of course this has been 50 years ago. 1969. They will always be in my heart. My mom commited suicide at age 69. I had lots of counseling.
So is that something you might want to do? It does help. I got remarried in 1971 almost too soon, so don't be in a hurry, but do start being friends with women that attract you. It's not too much of a chance they would die before you. I know it's scary. You may have to see a Psychitrist it wouldn't be bad to start on some medicine, since you do sound depressed. I am on Lexapro, Lamicatal, and klonopin. My family has mental illness in our family..
Even my son who is Bipolar 1 and we have no contact with him There's many things before that could have caused it. Bipolar 1. He had a wife who is controlling, I'm glad she's with him, but I feel that's one reason we no contact. They have an 8 year old daughter, which was born on my birthday. I haven't seen her since she was 3, except for skyping at her grand mothers in Chicago But this year my son and his wife with my granddaughter are not going to Chicago because of the Covid-19. They are both professors, but my son can't teach because of his illness, but his wife is a very successful and got her tenour (SP) at Duke, but live in NYC now and she at Columbia. She even talked my son out of coming to Iowa for hie grandmothers funeral. We can't mail anything to them and have to mail it to the other grandmother in Chicago and she forwards it.to my Marlowe (granddaughter
I'm sorry for talkng so much about me. Take care, You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Thank you for these encouraging and comforting words. i will consider going for counselling. I'am sorry too for the loss of your husband and mother. it may have been long time but memories don't age.

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@marjou

@charlieindia So sorry for your loss. You were there for her when she needed you most and that is a special love.

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Thank you. I feel better there people who feel i did what i could do. i appreciate these words

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Hello @charlieindia I am sorry to read of the loss of your wife. I am Scott and I lost my wife a couple years ago after her 14+ year war with brain cancer. During those years I was her caregiver and also often had feelings, which still surface, that I could have, or should have, done more than I did. Guilt, doubt, and anxiety are emotions all too common of with caregivers I believe! We do our best in each situation and each day, but often I would find myself questioning if it had been enough when I'd finally fall, exhausted, into bed. Now I like to say 'superheroes only exist in he comics! Superman and Wonder Woman weren't caregivers!'

You also touch on another subject I struggle with, which is grief. Early on I got sucked into the belief one had to follow someone's supposed 'steps of grief' that are often promoted to us as the right or only way to grieve. It wasn't until I threw that book away that I personally started to believe one's grieving is as unique as was the love we hold for our lost loved one. I became much less anxious over how I was feeling each day once I accepted I could grieve in my own, unique way and that was just fine. I continue to take my grieving slow and as it occur in my life. After all the years I had done nothing but be a caregiver, I began a list of things I could do that I had put off. Wrote letters to friends, visited our adult children, read books, did a few way overdue home maintenance projects, and eventually expanded (pre-pandemic) to visiting a couple of distant friends who had been stalwart supporters of my wife and/or me.

I also discovered Connect and the Caregiver group, which allowed me to open up far more about caregiving and my feelings as an electronic form of therapy, which works for me. I hope to read more from you in the future!

Unfortunately I have no advice on dating. Personally, I'm comfortable right now with my life. I am lucky to have a couple good friends and since March have been called on to take care of additional family members in need during the pandemic. Also I have found (again probably just me) that after so many years of constantly being on call 24/7/365 as a caregiver I enjoy being just in charge of me.

Strength, Courage, and Peace

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@charlieindia

Thank you. I feel better there people who feel i did what i could do. i appreciate these words

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@charlieindia I'm so glad you feel better. I noticed Scott sent you a message and it must of helped. You are a great man and I know you will be okay it may just be awhile to go through grieving. And again you did everything you could do and probably did more.

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I was the primary caregiver for my husband who was first dx with mild cognitive impairment about 15 years ago. As dementia set in, it was difficult to make medical decisions for him. He had non-Hodgekins lymphoma and Afib as well as heart failure. A cardiologist wanted to do surgery to put in a filter to catch blood clots. The hemotologist felt he would have to go back on chemo before any heart surgery.. Having been in a support group at the Alzheimer's Association I saw the results of people who had been hospitalized and that was not good. They never got back to the point they were at before hospitalization.
I knew his anxiety level was high, he had spent two days in the hospital due to being admitted for an irregular heart beat, no surgery. I had told both doctors no for further treatment. At the hospital the hemotologist that saw him suggested I enroll him in a home hospice program which I did. That was the end of August. He died January 2, 2020. As probably all caregivers of people with dementia know, I found it stressful in responding to him because I never knew who I was in his eyes..Sometmes I was his sister, his cousin, some unknown person. The Alzheimer's Association said to get in his world. Not knowing what world that was, I just responded as me. While driving him to an appointment, he said, "I'm so glad Barb isn't driving! When she drives I have to hold on for dear life." What could I do? I just laughed and agreed with him! Being a caregiver is an awesome job but we had talked about wanting to die at home years before and that home hospice program allowed for great home medical care and fulfillment of that desire. I do see a therapist and I have a marvelous PCP helping me through the grieving process but the greatest help for me by far is my spiritual life and dependency on God for comfort and healing. May you open up your faith life to a new level to help you during this time.

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@charlieindia

Thank you for these encouraging and comforting words. i will consider going for counselling. I'am sorry too for the loss of your husband and mother. it may have been long time but memories don't age.

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@charlieindia Thank you for your kind words. See I told you were a wonderful man or you wouldn't have written about my husband and my mom. My dad's name was Charlie. Love to you and healing too. Lets keep connected.

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@IndianaScott

Hello @charlieindia I am sorry to read of the loss of your wife. I am Scott and I lost my wife a couple years ago after her 14+ year war with brain cancer. During those years I was her caregiver and also often had feelings, which still surface, that I could have, or should have, done more than I did. Guilt, doubt, and anxiety are emotions all too common of with caregivers I believe! We do our best in each situation and each day, but often I would find myself questioning if it had been enough when I'd finally fall, exhausted, into bed. Now I like to say 'superheroes only exist in he comics! Superman and Wonder Woman weren't caregivers!'

You also touch on another subject I struggle with, which is grief. Early on I got sucked into the belief one had to follow someone's supposed 'steps of grief' that are often promoted to us as the right or only way to grieve. It wasn't until I threw that book away that I personally started to believe one's grieving is as unique as was the love we hold for our lost loved one. I became much less anxious over how I was feeling each day once I accepted I could grieve in my own, unique way and that was just fine. I continue to take my grieving slow and as it occur in my life. After all the years I had done nothing but be a caregiver, I began a list of things I could do that I had put off. Wrote letters to friends, visited our adult children, read books, did a few way overdue home maintenance projects, and eventually expanded (pre-pandemic) to visiting a couple of distant friends who had been stalwart supporters of my wife and/or me.

I also discovered Connect and the Caregiver group, which allowed me to open up far more about caregiving and my feelings as an electronic form of therapy, which works for me. I hope to read more from you in the future!

Unfortunately I have no advice on dating. Personally, I'm comfortable right now with my life. I am lucky to have a couple good friends and since March have been called on to take care of additional family members in need during the pandemic. Also I have found (again probably just me) that after so many years of constantly being on call 24/7/365 as a caregiver I enjoy being just in charge of me.

Strength, Courage, and Peace

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Thank Scot, Am touched and encouraged by your sad loss of your dear wife and sorry for that. Amazing words of encouragement. You have outlined almost all my feelings. It really helps to heal when you share your situation with others. My wife left me with 4 believed children at the ages 11,8, 6 and 2 years 6 months. She answered the Lords call on 12/7/2011. I raised them all by myself with no single assistance from all family members. This made the gap she left too big to fill up. The children are now grown up though still in schools. the older one has just enrolled in University to study medicine. Her aim is be a doctor to assist the vulnerable and the elderly.God has been very merciful to me and my children. My kids are my source of strength and keep me going they always cheer me up when am down.

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@lilypaws

@charlieindia Thank you for your kind words. See I told you were a wonderful man or you wouldn't have written about my husband and my mom. My dad's name was Charlie. Love to you and healing too. Lets keep connected.

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Hi, Lilypaws. Its amazing how great comforting words can bring healing. I thought i was alone and i never wanted to share my grief with people thinking they will see me to be weak. thanks for the encouraging words you have poured out from your kind heart. i appreciate your precious time to share your experience to uplift my soul.God bless you.

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@barbbie

I was the primary caregiver for my husband who was first dx with mild cognitive impairment about 15 years ago. As dementia set in, it was difficult to make medical decisions for him. He had non-Hodgekins lymphoma and Afib as well as heart failure. A cardiologist wanted to do surgery to put in a filter to catch blood clots. The hemotologist felt he would have to go back on chemo before any heart surgery.. Having been in a support group at the Alzheimer's Association I saw the results of people who had been hospitalized and that was not good. They never got back to the point they were at before hospitalization.
I knew his anxiety level was high, he had spent two days in the hospital due to being admitted for an irregular heart beat, no surgery. I had told both doctors no for further treatment. At the hospital the hemotologist that saw him suggested I enroll him in a home hospice program which I did. That was the end of August. He died January 2, 2020. As probably all caregivers of people with dementia know, I found it stressful in responding to him because I never knew who I was in his eyes..Sometmes I was his sister, his cousin, some unknown person. The Alzheimer's Association said to get in his world. Not knowing what world that was, I just responded as me. While driving him to an appointment, he said, "I'm so glad Barb isn't driving! When she drives I have to hold on for dear life." What could I do? I just laughed and agreed with him! Being a caregiver is an awesome job but we had talked about wanting to die at home years before and that home hospice program allowed for great home medical care and fulfillment of that desire. I do see a therapist and I have a marvelous PCP helping me through the grieving process but the greatest help for me by far is my spiritual life and dependency on God for comfort and healing. May you open up your faith life to a new level to help you during this time.

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Am sorry Barbbie, my condolences for the painful loss of your dear husband so soon. Thank you for taking your time to share your experience. No words can take away your sorrows. but God will hold you by your hand in all your life. Believing in God has helped me so much without trusting him i would have not been here to share. What an experience of love and sorrow you experienced. You are great woman of virtue who fulfilled the desire of your husband to die at home. He must be proud you wherever he is looking at what you did. Everything happens for a purpose.I will surely open up to another new level of faith. Remember me and my children in your prayers. God bless you and looking forward to know how you are coping up.

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@lilypaws

@charlieindia I'm so glad you feel better. I noticed Scott sent you a message and it must of helped. You are a great man and I know you will be okay it may just be awhile to go through grieving. And again you did everything you could do and probably did more.

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Hello, Thank you once more for words of love and encouragement. Yes Scott sharing is amazing and it has added a lot of encouragement
i really appreciate this interaction. its helping a lot to know the people you share experiences with. You are indeed a great woman too.God bless you

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charlieindia I am glad my messages help you. You help me too knowing I have helped you too. I can tell you that you are full of caring, so I know you cared for your wife the best you could. Remember it takes time and it's ok to feel sad or want to cry. I still feel sad about my first husband and good grief it's been 50 years. I can't really believe it. Remember to take care of yourself. It will probably be awhile before you might be interested in another woman, but if you don't that's ok too. Love you, Jeanie I am married.

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@charlieindia

Am sorry Barbbie, my condolences for the painful loss of your dear husband so soon. Thank you for taking your time to share your experience. No words can take away your sorrows. but God will hold you by your hand in all your life. Believing in God has helped me so much without trusting him i would have not been here to share. What an experience of love and sorrow you experienced. You are great woman of virtue who fulfilled the desire of your husband to die at home. He must be proud you wherever he is looking at what you did. Everything happens for a purpose.I will surely open up to another new level of faith. Remember me and my children in your prayers. God bless you and looking forward to know how you are coping up.

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@charlieindia @barbbie I first wanted to comment to Charlie what a wonderful message you sent to Barbbie. I bless you Barbbie. I know how hard it can be, like I told Charlieindia I lost my first husband in a car accident. I was only 18 and we were married for only 11 days. But it must really hard what you went through. I want to repeat Charlie's words. God is with you and don't do like I did and hated him . but I have been back with him for many years. I will keep you in my thoughts and prays. Charlieindia, I will do the same for you.

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