How do you change the perception of aging?

Posted by Merry, Alumni Mentor @merpreb, Jun 19, 2020

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I mean a lot of thinking about aging and accepting certain facts that go with it. It's a tough job. I look in the mirror and the girl who I expect to see is no longer there. Where did she go? How long ago did she disappear? Has someone else taken her place? Why can't I accept what I see instead of being depressed? I've wondered what kind of changes I can make to be more accepting of myself.

For way too long "old age" myths, the media, and cosmetic industries have dictated how women should feel about themselves. What they say or imply is an injustice to women and enhances the notion that aging isn’t good. They want us to mask our looks, change the color of our hair, and let someone cut us so that our skin looks stretched and fresh and young! Looking young is not being young. The first thing that I have to get rid of is the term, "feeling old." Old is not a feeling. It's a fact, a state of being. So what does this mean? It means that I need other words to describe how I'm feeling. Perhaps I might be feeling low about something, or I'm in pain or feel lonely, feeble, burdensome, or demoralized. And these words are the words that describe me when I feel "old".

I can’t feel young either. Youth is not a feeling. But at times I feel energetic, courageous, beautiful, healthy, and active. Feeling well makes me feel that there is the promise of tomorrow, I'm happy and healthy-ish. I can't change the way I look or my genetic make-up. But I can strive to feel my best, and feel a sense of well-being and satisfaction in doing what is best for me. I can pursue what I know to be my purpose, my passions at this time. Not what I want to do or dream to do but things that make me feel whole, complete, wanted, needed, and loved. Purposes, my life passions, that make me think and feel whole. If this means putting color in my hair or trying a new lip color, then that’s what I’ll do. Not because I look “old or wan” but because I want to do it.

Because of my stage 4 lung cancer, my bucket list has changed. I no longer can think in terms of “Well I have plenty of time.” My bucket list consists of todays. What to do today, where do I go today, what do I read, eat, and think today. My lists no longer have unrealistic goals for the future but doctors' appointments, lab work, and rest. My plans are to do things that make me feel like I have a purpose and that I feel are important in everything I do, things that have meaning for me. My purpose for resting is so that I can later feel more refreshed for a walk, or meeting a friend. My purpose for drinking lots of water is so that I don't get dehydrated and feel ill. My purpose is to nag my husband to be careful on his runs, make sure his clothes are clean, and that he eats clean fresh food. My purpose is to hug him and tell him that I love him as much as I can. I need to feel fulfilled by talking to my son and maybe irritate him too. I’m a mother. It makes me feel good. My bucket list might not stretch very far into the future but it sure is full.

By changing how I think, with a different vocabulary, maybe I can help change the perception of aging. And this might help me so that when I look in the mirror I might see some of the old me and not the aged me.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Aging Well Support Group.

sapphira | @sapphira | Jun 21, 2020

You say you are 65 yrs old? Wow, that's young to me (I'm 88), and at your age I was busy socially, dating, etc. Perhaps you are "buying" the ageing
issue that's so out there now. Firstly, don't give up - you could dye your hair - become a redhead if you have fair skin (like me). I did it when I was 40, went red. Gray hair can be beautiful if styled well. Try another hairdresser, if you go to one, or just seek one out if you don't. We all age and with that comes the physical changes in our faces and body. Focus on your interests or develop a new one and go out to people. Be accessible to other people - it's hard but can be worth the effort. In other words don't focus too much on the age issue, become more "interesting". Forget what's going on out there and develop an inner self that feels worthwhile and socially valid. Also, don't focus on what young girls are wearing, you can look classic but interesting with the right accessories and appropriate clothes. Don't imitate the kids, develop your own look.

Lagrange 5 | @lagrange5 | Jun 21, 2020

In reply to @rosemarya "@lagrange5 -It has worked for us. Married 45 years ago this day!" + (show)

Well, bless you both! Obviously both of you see the beauty in each other. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.

marjou | @marjou | Jun 21, 2020

In reply to @sapphira "You say you are 65 yrs old? Wow, that's young to me (I'm 88), and at..." + (show)

I live in a rural area in the Southwest and COVID-19 has put a damper on socialization, but open to your suggestions. I guess I have bought into the ageing issue, but enjoy your spunk. I appreciate your words of encouragement and wisdom. Would love to keep in touch.

davej | @davej | Jun 22, 2020

In reply to @marjou "Bravo and thanks for addressing this topic!! A little of my background. Go back to mid..." + (show)

My name is dave and a freind told me she gets depressed sometimes so I wanted to look up some information and I saw your post and it made me think. So here goes when you told people about dating and their reply was you date they were not being positive or negative they were just responding to the to your openness of you talking about it good job by the way putting yourself out there. So now if someone asks you how they can support you please let them know in an open and loving way and describe in detail best you can how they can help and forget about what you think that they think about their answers you date. By the way look into taking a dance lesson here in mpls most lessons you rotate partners to become better

davej | @davej | Jun 22, 2020

In reply to @davej "My name is dave and a freind told me she gets depressed sometimes so I wanted..." + (show)

More from above stay open and honest if you put yourself out their you will attract what you are giving I have met a lot of great people through dance lessons by changing partners just have fun and enjoy what your doing have a great monday dave

Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Jun 22, 2020

In reply to @marjou "Bravo and thanks for addressing this topic!! A little of my background. Go back to mid..." + (show)

@marjou- Good morning. I remember the 70's. I did both in the 70's- Married and had a son and was involved in the women's movement. I thought that it was an incredible time, exciting, and energizing. All of my friends were in the same boat that I was too so it made it a very special time. I just wish that I had been less naive.

How young people perceive us is a laughable offense if it weren't so sad. The perception that time and activities stop when you get to a certain age by society is pathetic. I'm sure that age labeling goes on for many economic reasons but it is damaging to the ego! There are a lot of youtube videos that deal with fashion and makeup for older women but not many discussions, if any, about all of the activities that we still do, including dating and having sex, and lifting weights!

When my mom was in the hospital for Parkinson's she had a fever and when the doctor mentioned it she said, "well doc I'm not dead yet!"

sapphira | @sapphira | Jun 22, 2020

Dave: I wonder if you misunderstood my posting. At my current age I don't "date" - I am 89 yrs old. I was just making suggestions based on experience from my years prior. Developing interests and going out to things to meet people - there may be book reading clubs, organizations that are of interest, etc. At my time in life, I have a few friends and a good pal - a gentleman who lives on my apartment floor, and we (prior to the Pandemic) went to the ballet, concerts, movies, dinners, etc. He is 76 yrs old,I am 88. We are just good pals who enjoy the same things. By the way I live in New York City, in an apartment building. I only suggested that doing things that interest you help - sometimes you meet new people of interest and at least you are doing something you enjoy. At my age, unfortunately, a lot of my social life has dwindled as friends have passed away. I have been fortunate in my neighbor and he has enhanced my life at this age.

davej | @davej | Jun 22, 2020

In reply to @sapphira "Dave: I wonder if you misunderstood my posting. At my current age I don't "date" -..." + (show)

I am so happy for you give your freind a hug from me and tell him thank you dave

marjou | @marjou | Jun 22, 2020

In reply to @davej "My name is dave and a freind told me she gets depressed sometimes so I wanted..." + (show)

Thanks Dave for your responses. I live in a rural area in the Southwest and do love salsa and a bit of two step dancing, but pandemic has put a damper on that for now. Depression has kicked in and just needed to vent on my current state of life. Thanks for helping me remember something that gave me joy.

Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Jun 22, 2020

In reply to @sapphira "Dave: I wonder if you misunderstood my posting. At my current age I don't "date" -..." + (show)

@sapphira I understand about the loss of friends - my Mom was part of a circle that were friends from 7th grade through their lives, and when she died at 85 her friend, who had moved to her same assisted living building, was bereft - "I'm the last one!" When I named others still alive in what I thought was "the circle" she replied that they were the younger sisters, not the "originals" - I hadn't known the distinction before that. This past winter, the "last one" - did pass on, and I think about that crazy group of women and their lifetime of adventures and stories all the time. I am glad you have a friend who shares your interests.

My next door neighbor has a friend also, but he lives 150 miles away, and they are having a hard time figuring out when it will be safe to meet up again. I am encouraging her to think about sooner rather than later because the psychological effect of her isolation is beginning to take a toll. They have both maintained a high degree of self-isolation, so my feeling is they could be safe. Neither of them is tech-savvy, and he has a hard time hearing on the phone, so their contact is limited. Her son comes often, and we keep in touch with daily chats, but it is not the same... What would your advice to her be?
Sue