1. < Aging Well
Mentor

How do you accept change as you age?

Posted by Scott, Volunteer Mentor @IndianaScott, Apr 8, 2020

Aging and accepting our changes is never easy!

One of my favorite sayings is ‘it’s a good thing our children grow older, but parents don’t!’ Often I wish this was true and while it’s a positive message, not our reality.

Like it or not, time and life take their toll on us and we change. However accepting these changes can be a challenge in our lives and the lives of our loved ones. Both physically and emotionally I might add.

I remember well after caring for my wife for the first seven years of her war with brain cancer my dad passed away and I was able to get to his memorial service. I was very excited to see our two grandsons and decided being ‘as young as you feel’, and wanting to make up for lost time entered into a rousing game of Freeze Tag in the hotel’s front yard. All went well until I made too fast a deke and found myself flying across far more sod than I should have been! Result? Four broken ribs, a painfully long recovery, and a reminder I’m not as agile as I once was!

I also realize that the realistic view of our age is not relegated to ourselves alone. I’ve spoken with our adult children about this and they have said they don’t really see me as aging, but just as ‘Dad’, who they want to do all the same things with they have done in the past. On the other hand, our grandsons see me as ‘grandpa’ and are comfortable ‘just having me around’ especially if there happens to be a Dairy Queen nearby!

So it is I‘ve begun to think more about the importance of accepting the changes and limitations imposed on us as we advance in age. While I’m not cashing in any chips I don’t need to, I have found I do avoid a few challenges I used to gladly accept. For instance last summer I went whitewater rafting on some Class V rapids. After almost drowning, I have forgone any return trips to rivers with this class of rapids. I swim well, just not as far and as long as I used to be able to while fully clothed and in heavy gear.

While I miss those rapids and full contact Freeze Tag, I know why my grandmother often told me ‘discretion is the better part of valor’.

As you age, are you practicing discretion, even when you wish you didn’t have to? Is it hard like it is for me?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Aging Well Support Group.

marjou | @marjou | Aug 1, 2020

@jeanie26 May the arms of God and his angels hold you and help you and your family.

REPLY
Mentor
Merry, Volunteer Mentor | @merpreb | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @jeanie26 "Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you...." + (show)
@jeanie26

Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you. I am happy about it because I feel I can share anything here and know without a doubt that I will be met with open arms and understanding. It's for this reason that I want to share something that has cut me deeply. My oldest great-grandson is 16 years old, his name is A and he has suffered from mental illness since he was 3 years old. Yes, you read that right 3 years old. Throughout the years A has been hospitalized numerous times and has been diagnosed with everything from bipolar to schizophrenia and everything in between, up to and including NOTHING wrong with him.He was however diagnosed with high function autism A couple of years ago, A decided he was gay, so okay, I love him unconditionally and if he feels he is gay it doesn't mean I don't love and accept him as being gay. A's mother ( my granddaughter ) strives to be this modern open minded mom and when she found out that A was watching porn she said that was natural and condoned it only if she could pick out the site he would go to.. She didn't want him watching sites that depreciates women.hummm. I nearly lost it when she told me that but try as I did, she's his mother and she will raise him her way. You've probably heard that before. Well anyway, that was all well and good till A made sexual advances toward a 6 year old little girl. THEN mom decides maybe watching pron may have influenced him a little so she said no more porn. Luckly, the parents didn't press charges but it cost mom a friendship and hard feelings.Over the past year or so A has retreated to his room only coming out for meals and the bathroom. He stays up all night and sleeps all day but mom says that's ok, they are not in school right now so hat's the harm. I suggested she check and find out who he's talking to all that time but she said. oh he's just talking to his friends no big deal. During the past 6 months or so A has decided he is transgender and wants to have the surgery, and has recently taken the name of C on his social media pages.I told mom I thing A needs some counseling to help him decide what he really feels about himself, She told me she had found a specialist about 2 hours away.I told her I would take him since she and her husband both work, but she never made an appointment. Then a couple weeks ago he announced he wants to be emancipated. My granddaughter and her husband have given A and his two younger bothers a good life.There every need is provided and they have more gaming devices than most kids do. They are told they are loved and they are being raised to take responsibility, Although, that needs a little work. They do things as a family and they are not now nor have they ever been abused. I don't always agree with my granddaughters parenting skills but no one ever tried harder to be a good mom. So, this past Sunday, A was told to go clean his room and he refused causing mom to get a little more forceful on a subject, she continued to cooperate and mom took his phone away, A then grabbed her, put her in a head lock and beat her head till dad could pull him off her, he had gone into a full psychotic episode and the police were called. Mom went and signed papers for involuntary commitment, The police took him to our local hospital for evaluation and they decided that commitment was appropriate and sent him to a youth crisis center two hours away. I took him some clothes and talked to a lady there that did part of A's intake. She told me A was showing no signs of remorse for what he did, states he hates his parents and never wants to be around them again. He claimed he wanted to kill himself and actually had two plans on how to do it. But said he doesn't feel that way when he's not around his parents. He claims they are physically and mentally abusive and he fears for his life, Of course this got CPS involved. They came to the house and said everything likes fine. Anyway, not only do A feel absolutely no remorse for what he did to his mother, he is in fact bragging about it and is proud of his ability to beat the crap out of his mother. He hit her so hard he broke his hand but sees no wrong doing on his part, He claims he shouldn't have to clean his room if he doesn't want to, after all it's HIS room and no one has the right to make him do any that he doesn't want to do. Driving home from there, I can't explain how very upset I was. I was angry, I was hurt, and I couldn't fix it. I have always been a fixer, that's what I do, I fix things, I find solutions to problems and I fix them, I CAN'T FIX THIS. I have ran out of options, and words. I am angry at A for what he did then taking such a attitude, I am angry at mom for not taking my advice in the first place when it was offered and thinking she had all the answers. I am angry at a system that doesn't have the capabilities of a dog pound. And I am extremely concerned about the many, many other young people and their parents who are forced into facing the same things.My son had mental illness as a child and is 33 years old and is still trying to find his way. It's extremely hard for me to take a back seat to this, I've dealt with mental illness as a caregiver for as long as I can remember and I usually can come up with something that makes sense, an idea or something but for the life of me those ideas all escapes me now. As I was driving home I felt the need to just talk to someone, anyone that would listen to my pain, not give advice but just listen. I called my daughter and the she said I cared more about this granddaughter than I did her and it ended up in a heated argument. I cried all the way home and haven't spoke to my daughter since. Right now all I can do is pray, Take care of myself, and Pray, hope that A will get the help he needs and Pray. Thanks for listening, I feel better getting it off my chest. God Bless Jeanie

Jump to this post

@jeanie26- Oh Jeanie what a terrible spot to be in. When we close the door behind our children, after they leave home, we also close the door on their childhood and hope that they will do well as adults. Their life is their responsibility then. It's very difficult to give up power and decision making Hoping that we have guided them well. We can't, I don't think, be angry at our children for making their own mistakes. If you gave advice to your granddaughter on how to handle her child and she didn't take it that was her prerogative.

She needs you right now, not to admonish her but to hold her and love her no matter what her decision was. And perhaps if she had brought him to counseling the same thing might have happened. Along with his mental problems, it is sounds as if he has a lot of normal teenage angst too. It sounds like the 2 clashed.

I hear your pain and I can't imagine how difficult this is to see a great-grandson attack his mom. I hope that you and your family can feel at peace now knowing that at least for a while he's safe and so is his mom.

REPLY
1 reply
jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @jeanie26 "Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you...." + (show)
@jeanie26

Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you. I am happy about it because I feel I can share anything here and know without a doubt that I will be met with open arms and understanding. It's for this reason that I want to share something that has cut me deeply. My oldest great-grandson is 16 years old, his name is A and he has suffered from mental illness since he was 3 years old. Yes, you read that right 3 years old. Throughout the years A has been hospitalized numerous times and has been diagnosed with everything from bipolar to schizophrenia and everything in between, up to and including NOTHING wrong with him.He was however diagnosed with high function autism A couple of years ago, A decided he was gay, so okay, I love him unconditionally and if he feels he is gay it doesn't mean I don't love and accept him as being gay. A's mother ( my granddaughter ) strives to be this modern open minded mom and when she found out that A was watching porn she said that was natural and condoned it only if she could pick out the site he would go to.. She didn't want him watching sites that depreciates women.hummm. I nearly lost it when she told me that but try as I did, she's his mother and she will raise him her way. You've probably heard that before. Well anyway, that was all well and good till A made sexual advances toward a 6 year old little girl. THEN mom decides maybe watching pron may have influenced him a little so she said no more porn. Luckly, the parents didn't press charges but it cost mom a friendship and hard feelings.Over the past year or so A has retreated to his room only coming out for meals and the bathroom. He stays up all night and sleeps all day but mom says that's ok, they are not in school right now so hat's the harm. I suggested she check and find out who he's talking to all that time but she said. oh he's just talking to his friends no big deal. During the past 6 months or so A has decided he is transgender and wants to have the surgery, and has recently taken the name of C on his social media pages.I told mom I thing A needs some counseling to help him decide what he really feels about himself, She told me she had found a specialist about 2 hours away.I told her I would take him since she and her husband both work, but she never made an appointment. Then a couple weeks ago he announced he wants to be emancipated. My granddaughter and her husband have given A and his two younger bothers a good life.There every need is provided and they have more gaming devices than most kids do. They are told they are loved and they are being raised to take responsibility, Although, that needs a little work. They do things as a family and they are not now nor have they ever been abused. I don't always agree with my granddaughters parenting skills but no one ever tried harder to be a good mom. So, this past Sunday, A was told to go clean his room and he refused causing mom to get a little more forceful on a subject, she continued to cooperate and mom took his phone away, A then grabbed her, put her in a head lock and beat her head till dad could pull him off her, he had gone into a full psychotic episode and the police were called. Mom went and signed papers for involuntary commitment, The police took him to our local hospital for evaluation and they decided that commitment was appropriate and sent him to a youth crisis center two hours away. I took him some clothes and talked to a lady there that did part of A's intake. She told me A was showing no signs of remorse for what he did, states he hates his parents and never wants to be around them again. He claimed he wanted to kill himself and actually had two plans on how to do it. But said he doesn't feel that way when he's not around his parents. He claims they are physically and mentally abusive and he fears for his life, Of course this got CPS involved. They came to the house and said everything likes fine. Anyway, not only do A feel absolutely no remorse for what he did to his mother, he is in fact bragging about it and is proud of his ability to beat the crap out of his mother. He hit her so hard he broke his hand but sees no wrong doing on his part, He claims he shouldn't have to clean his room if he doesn't want to, after all it's HIS room and no one has the right to make him do any that he doesn't want to do. Driving home from there, I can't explain how very upset I was. I was angry, I was hurt, and I couldn't fix it. I have always been a fixer, that's what I do, I fix things, I find solutions to problems and I fix them, I CAN'T FIX THIS. I have ran out of options, and words. I am angry at A for what he did then taking such a attitude, I am angry at mom for not taking my advice in the first place when it was offered and thinking she had all the answers. I am angry at a system that doesn't have the capabilities of a dog pound. And I am extremely concerned about the many, many other young people and their parents who are forced into facing the same things.My son had mental illness as a child and is 33 years old and is still trying to find his way. It's extremely hard for me to take a back seat to this, I've dealt with mental illness as a caregiver for as long as I can remember and I usually can come up with something that makes sense, an idea or something but for the life of me those ideas all escapes me now. As I was driving home I felt the need to just talk to someone, anyone that would listen to my pain, not give advice but just listen. I called my daughter and the she said I cared more about this granddaughter than I did her and it ended up in a heated argument. I cried all the way home and haven't spoke to my daughter since. Right now all I can do is pray, Take care of myself, and Pray, hope that A will get the help he needs and Pray. Thanks for listening, I feel better getting it off my chest. God Bless Jeanie

Jump to this post

It might also be worth noting that I have told my granddaughter many times that I didn't think it was a good idea for A to be talking to his friends all night and I encouraged her to find out who he was talking to and get the jest of their conversations, he and his brothers also play video games that I would not allow but that fell on deaf ears too. NOW, mom is saying. " I think A is listening to these friends of his and they are putting stuff in his head." It's easy to forget that A has mental illness and is mentally not 16 but more like 11 or 12 years old, The Dr's said he was delayed about 4 years. Mom and dad bought A an old clunker of a car last month, it doesn't run but it gives dad and A some together time while serving as a teaching aid. All well and good but here's MY point. What the H3ll are these two loving, caring parents thinking? They have an 11 or 12 year old boy in a 16 year old body. He can not process things like a normal 16 year old. He is by no means ready to drive a dang car than his 11 year old brother is. His decision making skills are corrupted with mixed messages that he can not process, he is confused about life and about he himself. His mind is in overload, trying to figure things out. He has been given too much freedom to make decisions that he doesn't understand. And with most kids, they blame everything on mom and dad and why not, after all they are the ones that make him clean his room. I feel with time A will come around, until the next time and then one day he will be an adult and when he is made to do something he doesn't like he can go to jail. When this generation reaches adulthood, I shudder to think what will happen. Our mental health system leaves a lot to be desired and with budget cuts it's getting even worse. The program he is in now is only 7 days, they will reevaluate him then and if he has shown enough progress he will be released to go home. If not they will send him somewhere else that has a longer treatment period. I have had plenty of experience with this type of facility and believe me they do very little to help these kids. The staff is usually hired off the street and given very little if any training, the pay is low and the attitude is, it's just a job. The Dr. sees the kids very rarely and makes his diagnoses based on the notes from the techs and the nurses. Medications are given but since the program is only 7 days long there is no time to monitor it, especially when it takes 4-6 weeks for the meds to make a difference. ( 2 weeks for some) Then they go to another facility where they have a new Dr. with opinions of his own. He changes the medication in most cases and we start all over again. There is very little therapeutic benefits. Now, I know there are some good places out there that genuinely care about these kids but it's a roll of the dice whether the one your child is in is one of them. Well, I am sorry for writing a novel, I just intended on sharing with you what's be going on in my life lately. Having said all this, I just want to add that I am trying to stay in good spirits and taking care of myself. But I am still just , well you know. thanks again... Jeanie

REPLY
1 reply
lolaemma | @lolaemma | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @jeanie26 "Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you...." + (show)
@jeanie26

Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you. I am happy about it because I feel I can share anything here and know without a doubt that I will be met with open arms and understanding. It's for this reason that I want to share something that has cut me deeply. My oldest great-grandson is 16 years old, his name is A and he has suffered from mental illness since he was 3 years old. Yes, you read that right 3 years old. Throughout the years A has been hospitalized numerous times and has been diagnosed with everything from bipolar to schizophrenia and everything in between, up to and including NOTHING wrong with him.He was however diagnosed with high function autism A couple of years ago, A decided he was gay, so okay, I love him unconditionally and if he feels he is gay it doesn't mean I don't love and accept him as being gay. A's mother ( my granddaughter ) strives to be this modern open minded mom and when she found out that A was watching porn she said that was natural and condoned it only if she could pick out the site he would go to.. She didn't want him watching sites that depreciates women.hummm. I nearly lost it when she told me that but try as I did, she's his mother and she will raise him her way. You've probably heard that before. Well anyway, that was all well and good till A made sexual advances toward a 6 year old little girl. THEN mom decides maybe watching pron may have influenced him a little so she said no more porn. Luckly, the parents didn't press charges but it cost mom a friendship and hard feelings.Over the past year or so A has retreated to his room only coming out for meals and the bathroom. He stays up all night and sleeps all day but mom says that's ok, they are not in school right now so hat's the harm. I suggested she check and find out who he's talking to all that time but she said. oh he's just talking to his friends no big deal. During the past 6 months or so A has decided he is transgender and wants to have the surgery, and has recently taken the name of C on his social media pages.I told mom I thing A needs some counseling to help him decide what he really feels about himself, She told me she had found a specialist about 2 hours away.I told her I would take him since she and her husband both work, but she never made an appointment. Then a couple weeks ago he announced he wants to be emancipated. My granddaughter and her husband have given A and his two younger bothers a good life.There every need is provided and they have more gaming devices than most kids do. They are told they are loved and they are being raised to take responsibility, Although, that needs a little work. They do things as a family and they are not now nor have they ever been abused. I don't always agree with my granddaughters parenting skills but no one ever tried harder to be a good mom. So, this past Sunday, A was told to go clean his room and he refused causing mom to get a little more forceful on a subject, she continued to cooperate and mom took his phone away, A then grabbed her, put her in a head lock and beat her head till dad could pull him off her, he had gone into a full psychotic episode and the police were called. Mom went and signed papers for involuntary commitment, The police took him to our local hospital for evaluation and they decided that commitment was appropriate and sent him to a youth crisis center two hours away. I took him some clothes and talked to a lady there that did part of A's intake. She told me A was showing no signs of remorse for what he did, states he hates his parents and never wants to be around them again. He claimed he wanted to kill himself and actually had two plans on how to do it. But said he doesn't feel that way when he's not around his parents. He claims they are physically and mentally abusive and he fears for his life, Of course this got CPS involved. They came to the house and said everything likes fine. Anyway, not only do A feel absolutely no remorse for what he did to his mother, he is in fact bragging about it and is proud of his ability to beat the crap out of his mother. He hit her so hard he broke his hand but sees no wrong doing on his part, He claims he shouldn't have to clean his room if he doesn't want to, after all it's HIS room and no one has the right to make him do any that he doesn't want to do. Driving home from there, I can't explain how very upset I was. I was angry, I was hurt, and I couldn't fix it. I have always been a fixer, that's what I do, I fix things, I find solutions to problems and I fix them, I CAN'T FIX THIS. I have ran out of options, and words. I am angry at A for what he did then taking such a attitude, I am angry at mom for not taking my advice in the first place when it was offered and thinking she had all the answers. I am angry at a system that doesn't have the capabilities of a dog pound. And I am extremely concerned about the many, many other young people and their parents who are forced into facing the same things.My son had mental illness as a child and is 33 years old and is still trying to find his way. It's extremely hard for me to take a back seat to this, I've dealt with mental illness as a caregiver for as long as I can remember and I usually can come up with something that makes sense, an idea or something but for the life of me those ideas all escapes me now. As I was driving home I felt the need to just talk to someone, anyone that would listen to my pain, not give advice but just listen. I called my daughter and the she said I cared more about this granddaughter than I did her and it ended up in a heated argument. I cried all the way home and haven't spoke to my daughter since. Right now all I can do is pray, Take care of myself, and Pray, hope that A will get the help he needs and Pray. Thanks for listening, I feel better getting it off my chest. God Bless Jeanie

Jump to this post

I empathise with your pain. I sounds as if your family has been strained by the emotional issues. However you can only affect change in yourself. The mental issues are not yours to carry. Get counseling for yourself on how to let go and let professionals take the lead. If you can't stand not understanding how to help. There are groups for families of those with mental illness. Talking to people in the same type of situation is enabling. Peace.

REPLY
1 reply
jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @merpreb "@jeanie26- Oh Jeanie what a terrible spot to be in. When we close the door behind..." + (show)
@merpreb

@jeanie26- Oh Jeanie what a terrible spot to be in. When we close the door behind our children, after they leave home, we also close the door on their childhood and hope that they will do well as adults. Their life is their responsibility then. It's very difficult to give up power and decision making Hoping that we have guided them well. We can't, I don't think, be angry at our children for making their own mistakes. If you gave advice to your granddaughter on how to handle her child and she didn't take it that was her prerogative.

She needs you right now, not to admonish her but to hold her and love her no matter what her decision was. And perhaps if she had brought him to counseling the same thing might have happened. Along with his mental problems, it is sounds as if he has a lot of normal teenage angst too. It sounds like the 2 clashed.

I hear your pain and I can't imagine how difficult this is to see a great-grandson attack his mom. I hope that you and your family can feel at peace now knowing that at least for a while he's safe and so is his mom.

Jump to this post

Thank you honey for your understanding, You are right all we can do the best we can do and the rest is out of our hands. I am there for my granddaughter without advice or suggestions. She is understandably concerned but we both have been there down this so many times before that it almost comes second nature. I guess we just keep hoping for better results. Yes you are right, hge is dealing with normal teenage stuff as well. I know it's not easy for him, I wish there was a way to make it easier but we all have to go through puberty at some point. And I do feel better about them both being safe for now. Thank you for your quick reply..

REPLY
Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @jeanie26 "It might also be worth noting that I have told my granddaughter many times that I..." + (show)
@jeanie26

It might also be worth noting that I have told my granddaughter many times that I didn't think it was a good idea for A to be talking to his friends all night and I encouraged her to find out who he was talking to and get the jest of their conversations, he and his brothers also play video games that I would not allow but that fell on deaf ears too. NOW, mom is saying. " I think A is listening to these friends of his and they are putting stuff in his head." It's easy to forget that A has mental illness and is mentally not 16 but more like 11 or 12 years old, The Dr's said he was delayed about 4 years. Mom and dad bought A an old clunker of a car last month, it doesn't run but it gives dad and A some together time while serving as a teaching aid. All well and good but here's MY point. What the H3ll are these two loving, caring parents thinking? They have an 11 or 12 year old boy in a 16 year old body. He can not process things like a normal 16 year old. He is by no means ready to drive a dang car than his 11 year old brother is. His decision making skills are corrupted with mixed messages that he can not process, he is confused about life and about he himself. His mind is in overload, trying to figure things out. He has been given too much freedom to make decisions that he doesn't understand. And with most kids, they blame everything on mom and dad and why not, after all they are the ones that make him clean his room. I feel with time A will come around, until the next time and then one day he will be an adult and when he is made to do something he doesn't like he can go to jail. When this generation reaches adulthood, I shudder to think what will happen. Our mental health system leaves a lot to be desired and with budget cuts it's getting even worse. The program he is in now is only 7 days, they will reevaluate him then and if he has shown enough progress he will be released to go home. If not they will send him somewhere else that has a longer treatment period. I have had plenty of experience with this type of facility and believe me they do very little to help these kids. The staff is usually hired off the street and given very little if any training, the pay is low and the attitude is, it's just a job. The Dr. sees the kids very rarely and makes his diagnoses based on the notes from the techs and the nurses. Medications are given but since the program is only 7 days long there is no time to monitor it, especially when it takes 4-6 weeks for the meds to make a difference. ( 2 weeks for some) Then they go to another facility where they have a new Dr. with opinions of his own. He changes the medication in most cases and we start all over again. There is very little therapeutic benefits. Now, I know there are some good places out there that genuinely care about these kids but it's a roll of the dice whether the one your child is in is one of them. Well, I am sorry for writing a novel, I just intended on sharing with you what's be going on in my life lately. Having said all this, I just want to add that I am trying to stay in good spirits and taking care of myself. But I am still just , well you know. thanks again... Jeanie

Jump to this post

Hi @jeanie26, I'm glad that you have the Connect community to turn to during this very trying time. Please note that I have changed your great grandson's name in your post to "A" rather than his full name. I did this to protect his privacy and your family.

You may also wish to post in the Mental Health group https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/mental-health/ as this discussion is in the Aging Well group and talking about accepting change as you age.

REPLY
1 reply
jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @lolaemma "I empathise with your pain. I sounds as if your family has been strained by the..." + (show)
@lolaemma

I empathise with your pain. I sounds as if your family has been strained by the emotional issues. However you can only affect change in yourself. The mental issues are not yours to carry. Get counseling for yourself on how to let go and let professionals take the lead. If you can't stand not understanding how to help. There are groups for families of those with mental illness. Talking to people in the same type of situation is enabling. Peace.

Jump to this post

Thank you, sound advice. My family has been struggling with mental health issues for years, especially this granddaughter. I have always been there for anyone who needs me and have taken a large roll in helping to raise her kids, ( with her blessing )but on some issues she just doesn't stop and think what could happen in the future after making some of her decisions and I feel badly because her mistakes are at the kids expense. It's not their fault. But I have learned detachment and am willing to lend suggestions and if they are taken fine if not I have to step back, reluctantly but step back I will. Then I'll be there to help pick up the pieces like I have been doing. thanks again.

REPLY
jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @colleenyoung "Hi @jeanie26, I'm glad that you have the Connect community to turn to during this very..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

Hi @jeanie26, I'm glad that you have the Connect community to turn to during this very trying time. Please note that I have changed your great grandson's name in your post to "A" rather than his full name. I did this to protect his privacy and your family.

You may also wish to post in the Mental Health group https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/mental-health/ as this discussion is in the Aging Well group and talking about accepting change as you age.

Jump to this post

Great idea, thank you for the advice and thank you for changing his name for me. I was aware to just use his first name and to refer to his parents as mom and but yours is a better idea. I will gladly go to the mental health group. thanks again.

REPLY
lioness | @lioness | Aug 1, 2020

@jeannie26 I'm so sorry you are going through this as another grandma to one I 'm was told by my son yes we are his parents,so I had to let it go that was before the covid hit . Now he is strict but I hope not to but they gave him the reins of the house he was the parent not them All you can do now is worry about yourself be there for your granddaughter to help them all Have they looked to see if there is a private school where he could go to get his head on right so to say? What about the Boys school ? I don't know to much about it but maybe worth to look at. Pray for all concerned . As you are aware these years are tough for a boy to go through not alone his actions to his Mom that was terrible. But as was said he needs help to know he was wrong and the right from wrong l You are in my thought and prayers. Its tough being a grandma at times

REPLY
fiesty76 | @fiesty76 | Aug 1, 2020
In reply to @jeanie26 "Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you...." + (show)
@jeanie26

Hi everyone, Ya know I love this group, I feel so fortunate to have found you. I am happy about it because I feel I can share anything here and know without a doubt that I will be met with open arms and understanding. It's for this reason that I want to share something that has cut me deeply. My oldest great-grandson is 16 years old, his name is A and he has suffered from mental illness since he was 3 years old. Yes, you read that right 3 years old. Throughout the years A has been hospitalized numerous times and has been diagnosed with everything from bipolar to schizophrenia and everything in between, up to and including NOTHING wrong with him.He was however diagnosed with high function autism A couple of years ago, A decided he was gay, so okay, I love him unconditionally and if he feels he is gay it doesn't mean I don't love and accept him as being gay. A's mother ( my granddaughter ) strives to be this modern open minded mom and when she found out that A was watching porn she said that was natural and condoned it only if she could pick out the site he would go to.. She didn't want him watching sites that depreciates women.hummm. I nearly lost it when she told me that but try as I did, she's his mother and she will raise him her way. You've probably heard that before. Well anyway, that was all well and good till A made sexual advances toward a 6 year old little girl. THEN mom decides maybe watching pron may have influenced him a little so she said no more porn. Luckly, the parents didn't press charges but it cost mom a friendship and hard feelings.Over the past year or so A has retreated to his room only coming out for meals and the bathroom. He stays up all night and sleeps all day but mom says that's ok, they are not in school right now so hat's the harm. I suggested she check and find out who he's talking to all that time but she said. oh he's just talking to his friends no big deal. During the past 6 months or so A has decided he is transgender and wants to have the surgery, and has recently taken the name of C on his social media pages.I told mom I thing A needs some counseling to help him decide what he really feels about himself, She told me she had found a specialist about 2 hours away.I told her I would take him since she and her husband both work, but she never made an appointment. Then a couple weeks ago he announced he wants to be emancipated. My granddaughter and her husband have given A and his two younger bothers a good life.There every need is provided and they have more gaming devices than most kids do. They are told they are loved and they are being raised to take responsibility, Although, that needs a little work. They do things as a family and they are not now nor have they ever been abused. I don't always agree with my granddaughters parenting skills but no one ever tried harder to be a good mom. So, this past Sunday, A was told to go clean his room and he refused causing mom to get a little more forceful on a subject, she continued to cooperate and mom took his phone away, A then grabbed her, put her in a head lock and beat her head till dad could pull him off her, he had gone into a full psychotic episode and the police were called. Mom went and signed papers for involuntary commitment, The police took him to our local hospital for evaluation and they decided that commitment was appropriate and sent him to a youth crisis center two hours away. I took him some clothes and talked to a lady there that did part of A's intake. She told me A was showing no signs of remorse for what he did, states he hates his parents and never wants to be around them again. He claimed he wanted to kill himself and actually had two plans on how to do it. But said he doesn't feel that way when he's not around his parents. He claims they are physically and mentally abusive and he fears for his life, Of course this got CPS involved. They came to the house and said everything likes fine. Anyway, not only do A feel absolutely no remorse for what he did to his mother, he is in fact bragging about it and is proud of his ability to beat the crap out of his mother. He hit her so hard he broke his hand but sees no wrong doing on his part, He claims he shouldn't have to clean his room if he doesn't want to, after all it's HIS room and no one has the right to make him do any that he doesn't want to do. Driving home from there, I can't explain how very upset I was. I was angry, I was hurt, and I couldn't fix it. I have always been a fixer, that's what I do, I fix things, I find solutions to problems and I fix them, I CAN'T FIX THIS. I have ran out of options, and words. I am angry at A for what he did then taking such a attitude, I am angry at mom for not taking my advice in the first place when it was offered and thinking she had all the answers. I am angry at a system that doesn't have the capabilities of a dog pound. And I am extremely concerned about the many, many other young people and their parents who are forced into facing the same things.My son had mental illness as a child and is 33 years old and is still trying to find his way. It's extremely hard for me to take a back seat to this, I've dealt with mental illness as a caregiver for as long as I can remember and I usually can come up with something that makes sense, an idea or something but for the life of me those ideas all escapes me now. As I was driving home I felt the need to just talk to someone, anyone that would listen to my pain, not give advice but just listen. I called my daughter and the she said I cared more about this granddaughter than I did her and it ended up in a heated argument. I cried all the way home and haven't spoke to my daughter since. Right now all I can do is pray, Take care of myself, and Pray, hope that A will get the help he needs and Pray. Thanks for listening, I feel better getting it off my chest. God Bless Jeanie

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@jeanie26, I am so sorry you and your family are going through such a heart wrenching, worrisome time. Glad you reached out here to share what you are experiencing because I know the value of being able to share troubling experiences with those who can empathize and support you by listening non-judgmentally. I hope you will find continued strength in your prayers and by taking good care of yourself.

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