Caregiving: I’m frustrated and exhausted.

I am also a care giver so i can sympathize with all of you. I watch over 2 ladies that are both 91 almost 92 as they are my mother and her twin sister my aunt.

My mom is still independent and can take care of herself but my aunt is more needy. my aunt has difficulty getting around , walking and taking care of herself. between me and mom we do our best to take care of her, run errands, take to many doc appts and sometimes cook. So far i am not a "live in " for either of them.
i sold my house in another county 2 years ago and now live 10 min form them kin a rental house just to be near and no one else in the family was interested in doing. the others all moved away to other states so its just me.
I have always watched over my my mom entire life but my brother and sister have lived life for themselves not for mom.
I took care of my dad till he passed i n 2010 he had dementia. we had to put him in a secure facility the last few years because he became violent and was hurting me and my mom. he passed in the ER at waterman of cardiac failure.
I can understand the comments others have made about how the stress cam make you sick as i have gotten very ill over the past few years since i started the care giving.
Severe gastric issues developed fibromyalgia, depressions, anxiety and don't want to get out of bed every morning i wake up due to body wide pain and illness. i feel myself getting sicker everyday. I also have bad PTSD from many years of abuse so thats hard to deal with. soemtimes i just want to run away.

For me so far the biggest stress is knowing my mom who i treasure dearly is almost 92 and he days are numbered and i will lose her one day in the near future and that depressed me so much. i get consumed with the thought some days. I don;t know what i will do when i lose her as i spent my entire life taking care of her and watching over her as my dad was not a good father or husband as he was always an abusive man.
Im 64 and never married and no kinds and live alone and don't have much of a support system as i don't have a relationship with my brother as he is also abusive and barely a relationship with my sister as we were never close growing up and she left home very young and she is 5 years older than me so i was very young when she left and don't have many friends as i don't get out much anymore due to being in so much pain and sick all the time so i know i will be lost when i lose my mom.
so i understand the isolation of the others of you all and the stress this all causes and the physical illness that come about. i'm a wreck. i was a cop for over 20 years till i lost my career due to severe injuries in the line of duty and this is harder than my job ever was. thanks for listening to anyone who reads this post and my god bless all of you going thru this and give you strength and peace and comfort.

I am also a care giver so i can sympathize with all of you. I watch over 2 ladies that are both 91 almost 92 as they are my mother and her twin sister my aunt.

My mom is still independent and can take care of herself but my aunt is more needy. my aunt has difficulty getting around , walking and taking care of herself. between me and mom we do our best to take care of her, run errands, take to many doc appts and sometimes cook. So far i am not a "live in " for either of them.
i sold my house in another county 2 years ago and now live 10 min form them kin a rental house just to be near and no one else in the family was interested in doing. the others all moved away to other states so its just me.
I have always watched over my my mom entire life but my brother and sister have lived life for themselves not for mom.
I took care of my dad till he passed i n 2010 he had dementia. we had to put him in a secure facility the last few years because he became violent and was hurting me and my mom. he passed in the ER at waterman of cardiac failure.
I can understand the comments others have made about how the stress cam make you sick as i have gotten very ill over the past few years since i started the care giving.
Severe gastric issues developed fibromyalgia, depressions, anxiety and don't want to get out of bed every morning i wake up due to body wide pain and illness. i feel myself getting sicker everyday. I also have bad PTSD from many years of abuse so thats hard to deal with. soemtimes i just want to run away.

For me so far the biggest stress is knowing my mom who i treasure dearly is almost 92 and he days are numbered and i will lose her one day in the near future and that depressed me so much. i get consumed with the thought some days. I don;t know what i will do when i lose her as i spent my entire life taking care of her and watching over her as my dad was not a good father or husband as he was always an abusive man.
Im 64 and never married and no kinds and live alone and don't have much of a support system as i don't have a relationship with my brother as he is also abusive and barely a relationship with my sister as we were never close growing up and she left home very young and she is 5 years older than me so i was very young when she left and don't have many friends as i don't get out much anymore due to being in so much pain and sick all the time so i know i will be lost when i lose my mom.
so i understand the isolation of the others of you all and the stress this all causes and the physical illness that come about. i'm a wreck. i was a cop for over 20 years till i lost my career due to severe injuries in the line of duty and this is harder than my job ever was. thanks for listening to anyone who reads this post and my god bless all of you going thru this and give you strength and peace and comfort.

I am also a care giver so i can sympathize with all of you. I watch over 2 ladies that are both 91 almost 92 as they are my mother and her twin sister my aunt.

My mom is still independent and can take care of herself but my aunt is more needy. my aunt has difficulty getting around , walking and taking care of herself. between me and mom we do our best to take care of her, run errands, take to many doc appts and sometimes cook. So far i am not a "live in " for either of them.
i sold my house in another county 2 years ago and now live 10 min form them kin a rental house just to be near and no one else in the family was interested in doing. the others all moved away to other states so its just me.
I have always watched over my my mom entire life but my brother and sister have lived life for themselves not for mom.
I took care of my dad till he passed i n 2010 he had dementia. we had to put him in a secure facility the last few years because he became violent and was hurting me and my mom. he passed in the ER at waterman of cardiac failure.
I can understand the comments others have made about how the stress cam make you sick as i have gotten very ill over the past few years since i started the care giving.
Severe gastric issues developed fibromyalgia, depressions, anxiety and don't want to get out of bed every morning i wake up due to body wide pain and illness. i feel myself getting sicker everyday. I also have bad PTSD from many years of abuse so thats hard to deal with. soemtimes i just want to run away.

For me so far the biggest stress is knowing my mom who i treasure dearly is almost 92 and he days are numbered and i will lose her one day in the near future and that depressed me so much. i get consumed with the thought some days. I don;t know what i will do when i lose her as i spent my entire life taking care of her and watching over her as my dad was not a good father or husband as he was always an abusive man.
Im 64 and never married and no kinds and live alone and don't have much of a support system as i don't have a relationship with my brother as he is also abusive and barely a relationship with my sister as we were never close growing up and she left home very young and she is 5 years older than me so i was very young when she left and don't have many friends as i don't get out much anymore due to being in so much pain and sick all the time so i know i will be lost when i lose my mom.
so i understand the isolation of the others of you all and the stress this all causes and the physical illness that come about. i'm a wreck. i was a cop for over 20 years till i lost my career due to severe injuries in the line of duty and this is harder than my job ever was. thanks for listening to anyone who reads this post and my god bless all of you going thru this and give you strength and peace and comfort.

@debiobrien Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. We're glad you found us just a few days ago! It sounds like you have had a rough journey. Have you thought about looking in to getting some help for yourself? Perhaps a caregivers support group in your area, or some individual therapy? Caring for a loved one, in this case, two loved ones, can be the hardest job ever imagined. Now is the time to start thinking about yourself, so you can help create "A softer place to land" when your mother passes. You deserve this, and might find that your mother would certainly be supportive of this. Finding time for yourself, and developing some interests that will serve to change your focus for a while, is critical for your mental and physical health. I hope you will come back, and let us know what steps you have taken to get some assistance. Would you be agreeable to that?
Ginger

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.

I like to think that caregiving is much like forgiving. We do it for the other person, but just as many benefits come back to us. Your love and time and work for your mom and aunt will be something that you get to have forever. Hard to feel that now perhaps, but it can support and strengthen you when they are gone.

I heard something when I started on my caregiving journey: the most important minute in our life is the minute at hand. In the hardest moments I make myself think that, and it brings my thoughts and focus back to what I can do in that moment to improve my husband’s experience, and what the moment can bring or do for me.

Find comfort in knowing you are never alone. We are out here.

Hello @debiobrien Thank you for the moving post. I could feel your sadness and pain in your words. I hope your mom and your aunt both are doing OK today.

I have always said caregiving is a far tougher job than the vast majority of folks realize, but was taken aback as you said it beat your work as a cop for being tough. I was sorry to read you were injured in the line of duty. I am pleased you are here with us in the Mayo Connect caregiver community!

While I was caregiving, and like you found myself giving up so many things in my life, I began to make a list. It was the things I wanted to do once I could get out of the house. They were mostly very small things like write to an old friend, visit the only friend who stuck by me during my wife's illness to thank him, likewise with the one friend who stayed supportive of my wife, clean areas of the house, hold a garage sale, etc. I still miss my wife more than I can imagine and fight depression daily, but still keep this list going because it helps keep ME going! I never cross an item off the list as complete before I add one new one to the bottom of the list. Might not be for you, but just an idea that I found, and continue to find, helpful.

I hope you find the support of this group helpful.

I also hope the sun is shining wherever you are today -- that always helps me.

Strength, courage, and peace

my big issue is i am alone and when my aunt and my mom are gone im alone. i have never married due to the abuse and dont have many friends due to the lose of my job and being disabled myself and taking care of the 2 of them and when they are gone i will be like ok what now. !!

some of my friends keep saying i need to go on a vacation and just have some fun that mom and aunt are fine on their own for a few days. so i searched and search for a place i might like to go and didnt find anyplace close enough for just a few days away. its so hot in florida and to hot to do to many outside things. i thin the only thing i really love is the carolina mountains in the fall. the only nice memory of my life i went there in 2012 and saw the colors for the first time in my life and it was breath taking. i soft of imagine myself heading for the mountains when i do lose my mom. that seems to be the only place i have ever felt true peace in my life.
Im so sorry for the loss of your wife and i will pray for you for more peace and comfort and for the depression to life and go away and i understand what thats like myself.
I try to find thing that maybe me and mom could do and mentioned to her today about maybe going to [play bingo or go to a movie and she seemed to like both idea. she is doing well but my aunt is housebound and not well. but i really want to spend some fun and quality time with my mom and have some fun memories since most of them are bad memories right now . its hard to find things a 92 year old lady would enjoy or even be able to do and especially in the town we live in not much to do here/.
well take care of yourself and i wish you all the best and happy times to come your way and many blessings. debi

Ginger & vicky I hear you and i know you are right but in my 64 years i have NEVER made myself first everyone and everything has always came first. right done to the tiniest thing. I would not even know where to start to make myself first and would feel selfish trying it. I dont even know what my interests or hobbies would be because i have never taken the time to look for any. I have spent my entire life trying to survive thru many many years of horrific abuse of every kind in the world and protecting everyone else i can from it. now all the abusers are dead except 1 and i still try and protect my mom from that person and its hard because its her son and my brother which would be happy to see me gone. He became my father and is mean and abusive just like our dad. I was a cop for 20 years and got severely injured in the line of duty and lost my job in 2013 due to the injuries and have been lost since then. all i know is to take care of people, help them out and make sure they have what they need, not your typical cop i know. i come last. im used to that way. i would not ever know where to start to think about myself first. it just would not feel right. i have been in many support groups for survivors of abuse of all kinds but im pretty far gone they dont really help when i tell all the details of my life and abuse people freak out and wonder how am i still alive and how did i make it thru all that. i didnt really make it thru all that it left scares that will never heal. and thats why i choose to be alone. never married, no boyfriends for many years i do best by myself. i appreciate your comments and again i know your right my brain just does not compute that way but maybe one day it will. thanks again and god bless.

I am also a care giver so i can sympathize with all of you. I watch over 2 ladies that are both 91 almost 92 as they are my mother and her twin sister my aunt.

My mom is still independent and can take care of herself but my aunt is more needy. my aunt has difficulty getting around , walking and taking care of herself. between me and mom we do our best to take care of her, run errands, take to many doc appts and sometimes cook. So far i am not a "live in " for either of them.
i sold my house in another county 2 years ago and now live 10 min form them kin a rental house just to be near and no one else in the family was interested in doing. the others all moved away to other states so its just me.
I have always watched over my my mom entire life but my brother and sister have lived life for themselves not for mom.
I took care of my dad till he passed i n 2010 he had dementia. we had to put him in a secure facility the last few years because he became violent and was hurting me and my mom. he passed in the ER at waterman of cardiac failure.
I can understand the comments others have made about how the stress cam make you sick as i have gotten very ill over the past few years since i started the care giving.
Severe gastric issues developed fibromyalgia, depressions, anxiety and don't want to get out of bed every morning i wake up due to body wide pain and illness. i feel myself getting sicker everyday. I also have bad PTSD from many years of abuse so thats hard to deal with. soemtimes i just want to run away.

For me so far the biggest stress is knowing my mom who i treasure dearly is almost 92 and he days are numbered and i will lose her one day in the near future and that depressed me so much. i get consumed with the thought some days. I don;t know what i will do when i lose her as i spent my entire life taking care of her and watching over her as my dad was not a good father or husband as he was always an abusive man.
Im 64 and never married and no kinds and live alone and don't have much of a support system as i don't have a relationship with my brother as he is also abusive and barely a relationship with my sister as we were never close growing up and she left home very young and she is 5 years older than me so i was very young when she left and don't have many friends as i don't get out much anymore due to being in so much pain and sick all the time so i know i will be lost when i lose my mom.
so i understand the isolation of the others of you all and the stress this all causes and the physical illness that come about. i'm a wreck. i was a cop for over 20 years till i lost my career due to severe injuries in the line of duty and this is harder than my job ever was. thanks for listening to anyone who reads this post and my god bless all of you going thru this and give you strength and peace and comfort.