Caring for a depressed teenager

Posted by hlvslp72 @hlvslp72, Feb 26, 2019

Good Evening ,
I’m reaching out for advice, thoughts and experiences to help me and my family support my 17 year old son. He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression In the middle of of his Freshman year in high school. He was always a straight A/B student from elementary and all through middle school. School avoidance was a big issue freshman through mid junior year of high school. He is and always has been a quite , shy , somewhat anxious kid but when puberty hit his anxiety heightened leading to more depressive symptoms . He has been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts when he was 16. He is currently treated with medication, sees a psychiatrist monthly and a therapist , who he trusts and will talk to , every other week. School was a trigger for so many things that we decided to pull him from public school and complete his high school credits online . Some days are good and many days are not. I don’t hear suicidal thoughts , but his motivation is minimal. He avoids going anywhere. He will hang out at friends houses or out to eat but comes home and says he “got bored” and gets frustrated that he “can’t enjoy anything”. He constantly tells me how ugly he thinks he is . It’s a continuous roller coaster with his emotions. I know the negativity is the depression talking . We have tried many different medications. Currently he takes 300 mg of Effexor and 1 mg if Rexulti per day. He also takes Adderall to help increase his ability to focus on school work when needed . He has taken the Effexor for over a year and the Rexulti since September of 2018. There was a huge difference when he began the Rexulti and he was “back to normal” for the majority of the fall semester . Then the anxiety crept in and we reverted back, as if the medication was no longer working. An increase in dosage did not seem to make a difference .
I’m hitting a wall. I want to help him but feel I have done all the things a mom needs to, but I’m still trying to pull him out of the depressive moods so often.
I’m here to support him but don’t want to enable him to the point where he won’t leave the house . My husband has a hard time understanding anxiety and depression so I am the main problem solver. We have 2 other younger children . This has affected our family tremendously.
Any thoughts or advice are appreciated !

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Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Feb 28, 2019

@I was a very tough teenager. I was a twin and there was a lot of needless competition between us. Needless because of the way my mom reacted to us. She wasn't a very warm person and I craved being accepted so I fought back with every thing that a young person has. I've changed a lot, but always love competition. I never got into trouble with the law, but my twin did. I have had so my therapy that I'm surprised that I didn't want to go into the field.

johnhans | @johnhans | Feb 28, 2019

In reply to @johnbishop "Hello @hlvslp72, Your post brought back a lot of memories for me. Our son will be..." + (show)

@johnbishop

Hello @hlvslp72, Your post brought back a lot of memories for me. Our son will be 49 this year. When he was about 13 he went through a lot of the same things. He was always super smart and much more so than dad. When he was in the 5th grade during the summer he went to a chess camp and ended up being the champion. He played me twice and then wouldn't play with me anymore and when I asked him why he said sorry dad it's too easy when I play you. He started having problems in the 7th grade and spent a year in a hospital ward seeing psychiatrists, trying different treatments until they finally through their hands up and said there was nothing they could do. We had to take him to a state hospital and it was pretty much a low point in both my wife's and my life. Probably one of the times I had contemplated suicide but couldn't because of my son and my wife.

When we meet with the social worker at the state hospital I pretty much thought it was a permanent thing. I think the social worker figured this out and told us point blank I don't know what you are thinking but this is not a forever thing. We are here to teach these kids how to live in the real world on their own and teach them coping skills. We were not allowed to visit him for 30 days and he hated every minute of the 6 months he was there. It was a God send because he did come home different. He had several relapses and met regularly with his doctor who tried several new drugs and finally was able to help him. The world of mental health has improved 10 fold since those years so I am really hopeful for you. I know what you must be going through and I feel for you. One of the best things my wife and I did was find a local support group with parents who were facing similar challenges. The support group was part of NAMI - https://www.nami.org/. I would recommend seeing if you can find a local support group if possible.

Our son is doing great now but he has his challenges. He still lives with us but he has always been able to keep a job and provide for his needs. Keep up the great work supporting and advocating for your son and make sure you take care of yourselves too.

John

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Thank you @johnbishop for that heartfelt response. What a wonderful story of hope. I think it is good to realize there are many of us in the same boat. We all struggle, but we all make it.

thankful | @thankful | Mar 1, 2019

In reply to @johnbishop "Hello @hlvslp72, Your post brought back a lot of memories for me. Our son will be..." + (show)

@johnbishop

John

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@johnbishop, @johnhans- Very touching stories that you shared with us! Thank you for allowing yourselves to be as vulnerable in your personal stories to come alongside this dear mother and her child. By doing so you both allow your stories to not only be heard by this dear parent reaching out to this group, but also touch so many others that may need help and are in the shadows.
God knows who they are and my prayer is that He will use your stories to bring healing to those families in need.
God bless you both. Jim @thankful

susannamoy | @susannamoy | Mar 3, 2019

I think medication and therapy have their legitimate places but I would urge you to access this video on YouTube: The Biggest Disease Affecting Humanity: I am not enough - by Marisa Peer. It could change your son’s and many other’s lives.

He is a high achiever and hates the way he looks. He doesn’t think he is good enough. The biggest disease affecting Humanity. Good Luck and much Love ❤️ Susanna

fattail | @fattail | Mar 3, 2019

I have almost the exact situation, even my son's age. I'd like to share my (limited) success experiences and also asking for help from others.

1. He's been in therapy and medication since the onset in late 2016. After trying numerous meds and dosages, it helped some. But then he stalled. Then I found out about ketamine infusion, a clinic called NY Ketamine Infusion in downtown Manhattan, last year. Please research and familiarize yourself. It made some immediate and unmistakable improvements. It's the only thing that's worked! The first treatment was 6 sessions over two weeks, followed with one booster infusion two months after. BTW, I highly recommend the clinic without reservation.

2. I've been doing some reading on psychedelics, which have attracted a surge of research interest in recent years. But he seems overly cautious and concerned about trying it. I encouraged him to read up on his own. But he seems always focused on the negative -- partly as his predisposition and partly, I guess, due to his ongoing anxiety. I highly recommend everyone with similar challenges to read up on this fascinating and promising topic.

3. The effects and experiences with psychedelics, I've come to appreciate, heavily depends on the mindset beforehand (as well as the setting during the process). So he has to want to try it before it can work. You don't just pop in something like the usual meds. This is where I'm stuck. Any advice on how to persuade him would be much appreciated.

4. His currently state, I think, is mostly not depression but rather lingering anxiety. And I suspect a big part is the habit formed over the last 2.5 years -- not going to school even when he does manage to get up, procrastinating, spending too much time playing games and chatting, not leaving the house, not doing any physical activity. Am I wrong? Any differing perspectives would be much appreciated.

hlvslp72 | @hlvslp72 | Mar 3, 2019

In reply to @harleneq "Good morning,I am terribly sorry that you are going through this horrific time with your 17..." + (show)

Hello !
Reading all these responses has been so refreshing and therapeutic for me. This has been a rough road but it is amazing how many others are going through the same thing that our family is right now. I really do suggest that you find a psychiatrist for your son as soon as you can. Although we have tried different medications (and still have some issues), they have made an absolute difference and have, more than likely, saved his life. Medication was scary for me at first due to all the warnings because of his age but my doctors have always been reassuring and monitor him closely. He needs to learn to read how he feels and understand when something is "different', which as a teenager, can be hard sometimes. We have found an online program that he can complete his high school credits at this own pace, which is needed due to his ups and downs.
Thank you for reaching out. I wish you all the best as well. If you get more information on the CBT therapy, please let me know. I'm always looking for all options. Hugs to you.

hlvslp72 | @hlvslp72 | Mar 3, 2019

In reply to @ainsleigh "@hlvslp72 - Hi and I feel for you so much. We have experienced anxiety, depression and..." + (show)

Thank you for your response. I have been looking into genetic testing but am new to the process. I know other parents who have done this testing to determine the best ADHD medication for their kids. I know this is the right option for my son, as we seem to have a difficult time finding just the right medication for both his anxiety and depression.
It is great to hear that others have done this and it has been a helpful in finding the right medication.
Thanks so much

hlvslp72 | @hlvslp72 | Mar 3, 2019

In reply to @windwalker "@helvslp, Hi there. Boy oh boy, do I feel your pain on this one. Your story..." + (show)

@windwalker

@helvslp, Hi there. Boy oh boy, do I feel your pain on this one. Your story sounds exactly like mine, except my child is a daughter. I had her online home schooled as well from the 10th grade onward. She would NOT go to school no matter what. Amazingly, she did get a BA degree in Advertising at a University. I have experienced everything you mentioned concerning your son. It is heartbreaking. My daughter is now 31 and just started back to work last month after having been out of the workforce for a year. She works hard all week and then hibernates in her room all weekend. She turns off her phone and ignores the world all weekend. This is worrisome to me. I am so sad for her. She is drop dead gorgeous, and has a personality and humor that doesn't quit. She should be out with friends enjoying her youth. She has never been genetically tested before; I had never even heard of that. I am so glad that this group got started; I wish it had been around back when I was dealing with all of this when she was in high school. It is really weird, my two siblings, myself, and all of my first cousins on my dad's side has a child with the depression and anxiety. It seems there is so much of it going on with the kids today. Is it purely from genetics? Is it from pesticides or fructose in our food, or is it that technology changes so rapidly that they have to be in constant flux? My husband, my daughter's stepdad, didn't understand mental illness either. He would expect her to "Snap out of it.". Or say she was spoiled and lazy. I enrolled us in the 'Family To Family' class through an organization called NAMI. It is a 12 week course, once a week, and free. Wow! What an eye opener that was. It helped my hubby to understand better as well. Just about every city and town has a NAMI chapter. It is well worth looking into. They also have a support group available for the parents as well as the kids. I had been told to be cautious of putting your child in a teen support group because many tend to self medicate and will introduce your child to drugs.

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Thank you! I will be looking into those NAMI classes, I think it is something that would help all of us. I laughed when I read the "Snap out of it" statement, as I have heard my husband say that more than once. As if some magic will occur overnight and everything will be just fine.
I have been looking for a reason for all of this, for a while now. His psychiatrist shared that the onset of puberty often changes our brain chemistry just enough that some teens have a hard time processing the change, especially those who are "smarter" than average. My son's appearance completely changed within 6 months during puberty and he also had an increase in acne. All of this seemed to just be a "shock" to his system and confidence. It was tough to watch and for an already shy and anxious kid, it was just too much.
My son's diet is not good and as his depression increases, so does his unhealthy eating. It is a spiral that is difficult to stop. I know that gut health has so much to do with our cognition and mental health, so I want to get his diet to a point where I know he is getting what he needs without all the sugar and carbs. Again, this is not an easy change for someone who doesn't always "care" about what is going on.
Basically, I want to try everything and make sure I am not missing anything. I have no idea how I even found this group online, it just appeared one day when I was searching and researching. I'm thankful to have found it. It is so nice to know that I am not alone and I want to share my experiences as well. I know what my family has been through and our experiences can be helpful for someone else.

hlvslp72 | @hlvslp72 | Mar 3, 2019

In reply to @johnhans "I speak as the child you have and has now grown elderly. I can relate so..." + (show)

@johnhans

I speak as the child you have and has now grown elderly. I can relate so much with everything mentioned here. You have all given good advice. I struggled with depression and anxiety, was shy and had a father who did not understand. I have gone through the problem of medications stop working. Here are some observations from me from a lifetime of dealing with this.
I made it through. It was tough, but I made it. All is not hopeless. If I can, so can others.
Be aware that just being there and caring makes a lot of difference.
This is a difficult time of adjustment for your teenager. Adjusting from child to adult is not easy. Your child will amaze you in the changes they can make.
Telling your child about how you had difficulties in your teenager years and how you made it through can help a lot. You did it so there is hope they can.
This time of change will come to an end when your child reaches there twenties and gets established as an adult. If your child gets a lot better and then when they get into their 30s or 40s and then has problems again, it may be a genetic predisposition to depression. This is especially true if there is a history of depression and anxiety in a parent and their ancestors. I can trace this back to my g-great grandfather. Asking questions of your parents and grandparents about this can be done, but be careful to explain you are doing it to help with your child's treatment, and not because you are trying to blame.
Fathers are taught that a male is tough and a male makes it through. Mothers are taught that they are determiners of the child you love. Both perspectives are good and needed. Fathers can and do change their beliefs in their children as mine did. Mothers can accept that not all things are your fault and that we all are born with some kind of genetic predisposition that can cause problems. We all have lived through them.
Medication that stops working was a common thing with me. We all react differently to our meds. With me it was not metabolizing the meds effectively. Thus an increase was not enough for me. Only recently my doctors discovered I needed a lot more. My medication usually is dosed at 20-40 mg. I am now taking 150 mg. This, as I said, is very variable according to the person. Genetic testing can help. Also my doctors say you can just see what happens. If the patient sees the meds stop working, it can be a sign that factors, including genetics, are at work and indicate the necessity of increasing the dosage until it finally works again. Some meds work on others, but will on you, and vice versa. So yes genetic testing can help determine what is the best for the patient. Again just trying different ones will show this. I say this because not everyone can get the test or afford to get the test.
In the end I made it through and am still making it through. Our knowledge on this has expanded so much. When I was a child the idea of chemical causes was just starting to be theorized. There were no antidepressants. And yet I made it through. How much more can today's child make it through. I was shy, now I test right in the middle of shyness and extroverted. I was depressed and now though I still have some problems, it is no longer overwhelming. I can lead a somewhat normal life as long as I continue to take my meds.
Keep up the great work you are doing in helping your child through this.

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Wow ! Thank you. This was a perspective I really needed to hear. I am so glad to hear how well things are going for you, even after all the struggles. I am grateful that I am here for my son and that he does reach out to me when he needs to. Although being his "go to" person feels good at times, it also makes me the master "worrier" and "fixer". I'm working on this personally.
I can relate with the predisposition, as I have seen depression within my family as well. As you mentioned, back then, nobody labeled anything as "depression" and, in my family, many just medicated themselves with drugs or alcohol. I'm pretty sure if I talked to my parents about anxiety and depression they would deny it or become defensive. They still don't understand completely.
Again, thanks for reaching out. I do know that my son will do great things and will make it through this with some great coping skills and the will to help others.

hlvslp72 | @hlvslp72 | Mar 3, 2019

In reply to @johnbishop "Hello @hlvslp72, Your post brought back a lot of memories for me. Our son will be..." + (show)

@johnbishop

John

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Thank you @johnbishop for sharing. What a powerful story. I can only imagine the challenges you faced. Your son is close to my age, so I know how limited mental health support was back when I was a child. Actually, I'm not even sure anyone even talked about depression, anxiety or any other mental health issues.
I am looking into support groups for my husband and I and some therapy for myself. I like to talk, so having someone just listen may be just what I need. I am thankful for this group and again, I thank you for sharing your story with me. I know I am not alone.

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