1. < Caregivers

Weary of Caregiving

Posted by susan2018 @susan2018, Jan 24, 2019

I feel like I’m being nibbled to death by ducks. I’m weary of caregiving. Whenever I think things are getting better something else happens. I worry that I am the person who is holding everything together. I’m frustrated that I’m looked at as being capable and strong enough to help everyone. I’m scared I’m not going to stand up to the stress. I know that others reading this know exactly what I mean. My husband had a heart attack and open heart surgery this fall and was in the hospital In another town for a prolonged period with complications. At the same time my brother was seemingly having worrisome heart symptoms. My son’s father in law had a stroke. The mother of my son’s significant other was hospitalized and died. All at the same time. All of us scattered across the country. We had to cancel a vacation trip. Another family member was discovered to have serious kidney problems.Then it was Christmas with all its attendant responsibilities. Over this time we had out of state houseguests off and on for a total of about three weeks, some of the time to help me with tasks I needed help with while my husband was recovering. Then my daughter in law had issues at work and has been looking to me for guidance and support. Then my elderly mother who lives “independently”, only because I do many things for her, got sick with a terrible respiratory virus and ended up in ER. I had been scheduled for an elective one day surgery procedure in the city away from our town and had to cancel it. Then before my mother completely recovered she got sick with Norovirus and ended up hospitalized. I had to sanitize her apartment. She is back home but has required additional support. Then my husband came down with probably the same Norovirus that has been rampant in our community. I confined him to a bedroom hoping I can avoid catching this and knowing I’m going to need to sanitize this too. Yesterday Mother fell asleep in her chair with a pot on the stove setting off a smoke detector, calling me in distress. Today my husband in his weakened state fell in the bathroom. I had rescheduled my surgery for next week, but am concerned with my husband recovering, as well as traveling while the winter weather forecast is so horrible, hoping I can stay healthy and that my mother manages ok the days I’m out of town. We have a Caregiver Support group in our town. I guess I’m a candidate for membership even though what I’d really like is to just go away someplace by myself, away from phones, e mail, and texts knowing someone else is taking care of everyone and everything.

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Oct 8, 2019
In reply to @kw1904861 "I told my husband i found a place for my self just waiting on the back..." + (show)
@kw1904861

I told my husband i found a place for my self just waiting on the back ground check...he begged me to stay...just the night befkre he was telling me to get the F out ... That he hated me ..do i stay and wait for more hitting or more name calling ... Or leave .? I do love him ... Plus he will for sure hurt him self when i do leave ...from his TBI....

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@kw1904861, I agree with @indiannascott and @rmftucker. You will benefit most from the advice with professionals trained in abusive behavior and someone who knows your husband. Please call both the National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233 AND schedule an appointment for yourself alone to talk with his doctor.

You must keep yourself safe and this may mean that you have to remove yourself from your home. This doesn't mean you don't love him. If you are afraid that he will harm himself, tell his doctor or a social worker. These are people trained to help both you and your husband to find help. Can you make an appointment with his doctor?

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Dec 28, 2019
In reply to @kw1904861 "I told my husband i found a place for my self just waiting on the back..." + (show)
@kw1904861

I told my husband i found a place for my self just waiting on the back ground check...he begged me to stay...just the night befkre he was telling me to get the F out ... That he hated me ..do i stay and wait for more hitting or more name calling ... Or leave .? I do love him ... Plus he will for sure hurt him self when i do leave ...from his TBI....

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@kw1904861 How has everything been going for you? Have you been able to move out as planned? Please take care and let me know. Becky

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pcolunio | @pcolunio | Jan 2, 2020

Without going into my story, I can say I feel your pain. This is why I an not working and will be retiring in June. It sounds like you need help around the house and will some of your family patients. I want to run away too!!!!! But I cannot. Today I finally cried and then put my self back together and went to Denny's and had a bit to eat. We need time for us and we have to tell people when we need it. Otherwise how will they know. I wish you the best!

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susan2018 | @susan2018 | Jan 2, 2020

I’m thinking going to Denny’s was a really good idea. Nourishment for the body. A bit of time away. I should go try that too. I don’t even have the energy to go back and look at the post I originally wrote here that prompted your response but let it just be said my husband us currently receiving chemo for pancreatic cancer and yesterday my mother fell and broke her hip and collarbone. The hits just keep on coming. Let’s run away together!😉

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rmftucker | @rmftucker | Jan 2, 2020

Your post reminds me of one I saw somewhere some time ago, where the person was saying "God never gives us more than we can bear, but I wish he didn't have so much faith in me." That is me this past year. Just one thing and then another.

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tasher3433 | @tasher3433 | Feb 22, 2020
In reply to @ihatediabetes "Hi I think many of us can relate. I just got back from taking my son..." + (show)
@ihatediabetes

Hi I think many of us can relate. I just got back from taking my son to a scoliosis xray in Rochester. One thing that I have been doing for myself is go to the coffee shop and I get coffee and a breakfast sandwich and read. There's nobody to worry about and it's my time to decompress. Another thing I do is exercise. Exercise really helps blow off stress. Plus I have noticed that getting in better shape is helping me deal with the physical and emotional load of having a son with developmental disability. I have gotten to point where I try to participate in a 5k race every month. It does help me to focus on races and learning a new course. I don't think I can just walk on a treadmill because it would be boring. Good luck.

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I am a newbie caregiver. My husband (75)will be the kidney recipient, my daughter (36) the kidney donor in April this year, at Mayo Scottsdale. Thank you all for sharing your lives..it can’t be easy, but please know that by doing so, you give incredible support to others. I am a nurturer, and feel as though it is up to me to make things right, and blame myself when things go sideways, regardless if they are within my control! I have gained so much insight through you all: keep a journal, ask questions, walk, walk away to take a breath, breathe, pack things to make my people comfortable post surgery, do not try to control the impossible, try to be a better person, as you all are. I know I will continue to lurk here!

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2 replies
Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Feb 22, 2020
In reply to @tasher3433 "I am a newbie caregiver. My husband (75)will be the kidney recipient, my daughter (36) the..." + (show)
@tasher3433

I am a newbie caregiver. My husband (75)will be the kidney recipient, my daughter (36) the kidney donor in April this year, at Mayo Scottsdale. Thank you all for sharing your lives..it can’t be easy, but please know that by doing so, you give incredible support to others. I am a nurturer, and feel as though it is up to me to make things right, and blame myself when things go sideways, regardless if they are within my control! I have gained so much insight through you all: keep a journal, ask questions, walk, walk away to take a breath, breathe, pack things to make my people comfortable post surgery, do not try to control the impossible, try to be a better person, as you all are. I know I will continue to lurk here!

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@tasher3433 Welcome! And please don’t just lurk! Join us! Ask questions and we’ll try to help. Becky

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Harriet Hodgson | @harriethodgson1 | Feb 22, 2020

This is an ideal place to "lurk," as you put it, and I hope you lurk often. We will be thinking of you as you approach donation day.

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Feb 22, 2020
In reply to @tasher3433 "Thank you All!" + (show)
@tasher3433

Thank you All!

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Hi, again @tasher3433 Why not join our Virtual walking group! This link will take you to our site. We hope to start on Monday. https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/lets-go-walking-join-me-for-a-virtual-walking-support-group/. You’ll be looking for exercise while you’re in the hospital and this is a great way to get it! Becky

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