Bipolar and ideas of how to help ourselves beyond medication

Well, my time in cognitive based therapy was quite short. Prior to that I had undergone traditional psychotherapy and it really ended up unleashing a lot of anger but not at anyone in particular. I was put off by the notion that sleep deprivation is considered a valid tool for some treatments in the belief it lowers the ego. I think that’s right. But I loathe sleep deprivation from having had several years of it from work and because it’s a time honored and widely used method of torture. No thanks.

I looked at the biochemistry angle of things and was absolutely convinced since the chemistry itself was organically wired and functioning a certain way-to my detriment-that therapy was negligible at best. I refused a long time to spend any more money in therapy but finally caved and decided to try a clinical social worker.

She introduced me to the concept of ANTS ie automatic negative thoughts. The idea being, as I recall, that thoughts about the self are programmed in such a way as to reflect negatively in the self automatically. This would create a cascade effect making it worse.

So the countermeasure in part is mindfulness. It’s not as easy as it sounds because you have to think with awareness. I daydream a lot and can wander in all directions and could go down a dark path without thinking about it. That starts a nose dive. So I kept a small journal (which I lost last week somewhere in a university building) and reflected.

I had to catch myself going down dark paths and consciously put a stop to it by replacing the negative with something positive about myself. For example, “I bring important support to my wife and children” rather than the opposite. It’s not the same as saying the kids love me or they need me. There is s risk of identifying with a person for validation rather than the self.

Somehow within a couple or three weeks my brain just got it. It was like some missing piece of code that tipped the scale and I have not really had any episodes of depression in over two years. Being mindful is a good discipline regardless and taught in Buddhism for disciplined thinking. But I don’t do it much now, at least not consciously. Instead, I’ve developed some kind of tripwire it radar that picks up on the negative and then I become conscious of it and work to defeat it.

The Clinical social worker told me it is possible to ‘rewire’ The brain with therapy and I think PTSD sufferers may benefit from this concept though I have no past events to have given rise to PTSD.

So that’s basically how it worked. There were no deep couch crushing conversations and revelations, no lengthy exchanges, but rather examining the nature of what was going on, suggested strategies and implementation.

@renwald Thank you so much for your self disclosure about ANTS, a sensible talk therapy technique. Self compassion is arguably the most difficult goal of the mindfulness practice. Did you also learn about mindful speech? I use it frequently for my own negative self talk or what I call monkey chatter. There are 3 questions that you must answer before proceeding with the thought or statement.....is it true?........is it necessary?.......is it kind? A lot of self doubt and/or self harm just doesn’t pass the test. Have some joyful moments today. Chris

Honestly, I don’t recall. I still can’t believe I lost my journal. I took it for audition for small movie part but used it for notes, grocery lists, etc. not my wisest moments. I had some observations in there but maybe someone else will learn or at least get s good read.

My ‘reprogramming’ was so short in development I don’t think I used much in speech. It was really quick and as if my brain, which had been looking for a missing piece for years, apparently found what it needed and plugged it in. The latter things you mentioned don’t sound at all familiar to my experience but I know they are important. I may be an exception to time needed and process than what is more commonly experienced.

@renwald Can you go back to where the audition was and see if it's somewhere around there? I know one time I thought I had lost my journal but I had left it at my job. I went back on over the weekend because I couldn't bear the thought of someone finding it. There were so many things in there that were private. Did you get the part?
Ginger

No on part but it’s no big deal. I do those for fun and most are unpaid and help students.

I’m not particularly concerned about the journal though the pen wrote well. The biggest loss was my rewriting of a poem I was trying to write on a suicide. One afternoon in Tampa at our apartment a woman Flung herself from a high balcony to her death. I called it in. It was a curious experience where I really felt nothing. Never knew her name or if she was even a resident. She was not clothed from the chest down and struck a metal rail. Watching everyone’s reactions who wandered up on it before police arrived was interesting.

What did make me angry was a couple across the way who sat on their porch all day, adjusted their chairs to see better when police arrived and made it their entertainment. My wife and I were both incensed about that and later when I found out people snapped photos with their cell phones. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but I wanted to ask them why they didn’t go to funeral homes to snap photos of the dead. What the hell were they going to do with them? Post a suicide’s twisted ruin? Stare at it privately at home with ghoulish delight? Share with friends a mostly nude dead person?

I had trouble reconciling all these feelings and still am trying to write a poem about it. Writing poems and riddles are sort of my thing especially in the Anglo-Saxon methods. I am pretty harsh on social issues but none are published. This situation is tougher. The lost journal was the most recent re-write but it’s not as if the memories are going anywhere. So the journal loss is an irritant more than anything else.

@renwald Poetry can take so many forms, and your "final" version may well include insights beyond that last rewrite. I have written poetry since age 8 or so. The first paper was adding machine tape, that dates me! Now, more than 58 yrs later, I enjoy the challenge of haiku. Recently, while packing for this move, I thought my writings were centrally placed, but have found them literally all over the place, scribbled on envelopes, in journals, on receipts, in little notebooks. Most of them have a date. Re the response of people to a suicide, it is usually something just so out of their everyday, they capitalize on it.
Ginger

I was in Japan 5 weeks and started wrestling with Haiku. The staff at the traditional Japanese hotel were all excited and got swept up in helping me, even calling knowledgeable friends in the phone. They said they hadn’t fooled with it since grade school and it was a challenge even for them because of all the word-concept exclusions, limitations and interpretations (let alone translation and writing.

They said I did well but switching back and forth from Haiku and Anglo-Saxon is quite a chore and I’m disinclined to court the headaches resulting from switching gears. Glad you have a positive history though. It can be quite satisfying in ‘nleeding’ Out the built up emotional pressure.

Lovely pictures .... you sure don't live where I do .... right now we're having a really cold rain with lots of wind. YUK!
Anyhow, I deal with Bipolar 2, which is the lesser version ..... I'm able to hide it from folks, except those that know me extremely well - I'd say 2 people - a close girlfriend and my therapist. But some days I just feel so down I hardly want to move. I have to because I have pets - a cat and a Cavalier dog. Good I have them because they make me get up and moving. My "high" isn't "high" at all ..... it's what other people would call "normal." I don't remember feeling really happy in many a years. I do take Lamictal, an antidepressant, and propanalol for "essential tremors" caused by the Lamictal. I've gone the vitamin route early on, but it didn't really help. I do take gingko biloba, hopefully to keep my brain functioning. I asked the pharmacist about the Prevagine and he said for the price it is (a bottle for $50+) keep using the gingko. So, it is what it is ..... and life goes on.
abby

And more from "me" ..... I've been journaling for about 15 years .... some of the early ones I would not let anyone see (my sil burned them up for me), they were so dark and lifeless. That led me into writing. I didn't "decide" to write, I just wrote what I felt that day, or what was going on. I've got about 30 now, over a period of about 10 years. I did let my therapist read them, and my closest girlfriend and they both think I should try writing a book. They go from the deep darkness of depression to at least being able to move around. They revolve around all sorts of things. I doubt there will be a book, but it sure was a blessing to me when I was in that dark place.
abby

Hi, @amberpep - something you said here really reminded me of something that @jimhd has said before, the part where you said, "My 'high' isn't 'high' at all ….. it's what other people would call 'normal.' I don't remember feeling really happy in many a years."

I thought jimhd might have some thoughts on what you shared.

Hoping that @healthytoday @renwald @artscaping @tngbell @sdixon @mrser52 will also return and comment on whether they feel they have experienced being really happy anytime recently and whether they believe their "high" mood is the same as for others they know.

Also, amberpep - that is a lot of journaling! So, how would you say this practice helped you in managing your bipolar 2?