Reunion With Brother After Years (Severe Anxiety)

@yangedd- I am very sorry that you did not reunite with your brother after all the anticipation and hoping that took place. I can only imagine how this made you feel. The devastation and anger that you feel, and perhaps betrayal are perfectly natural. After some time burrowing in your cocoon it will then be time to start your life again.
All though most of us haven't your experience, we have all been kicked in the head and after some time have faced the world again. I know that it doesn't seem possible right now, but it will come.
After the death of my twin sister's daughter, who I was helping raise, (she was murdered by an arsonist who set fire to her apartment building as she slept) my husband and I could barely talk to anyone other than my family. I'll never forget the look on my twin's face when she came home after she picked out her daughter's casket.
It definitely changed her, and I don't know how she went on, but she did after a while.
Being kind to yourself also should include some therapy (if you don't already go) so that you can vent and get rid of some of your anger and hurt. Please keep us updated.

Hello @yangedd

Your feelings of never wanting contact with your family again is certainly understandable given the disappointment that you feel right now.

I am a bit concerned that you state, "I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that." Please remember that we are "better together" and even if you don't have contact with your brother again, you need someone in your corner to listen and care about you. So try to reach out to safe people in your world and share your feelings and thoughts with those people. Going it alone can be a tricky path, a guide to take you down the path to recovery is generally better.

Will you post again and let us know how you are feeling?

Hi @parus

You too?

They are awful I totally agree. I was up all night last night because my head was racing and I was getting agitated and restless.

Dr. Naughton will be seeing me at 2:30pm so I am going to request some more Halcion and some Diazepam on PRN too because I'm becoming very stressed out and that's not a good thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder as we tend to become paranoid under those circumstances.

I did something today which I don't know is right or wrong but I bought Cannibas to relax me. I haven't smoked it and don't know if I even will, but it's basically an escape route for me.

@yangedd So glad you will see your Dr today. If you decide to use the cannabis, you may want to check possible interactions with other medications. There may not be any effect, but there may be optimal times to use it after dosing with Halcion or Diazepam. I use CBD oil 10 mg once or twice a day, for anti-inflammatory and anxiety relief.
Please let us know how things work out today. We care.
Ginger

Thanks very much everyone. I will certainly keep all of you updated once I'm finished with my appointment. I won't dose on Diazepam if I do decide to smoke it though because I imagine mixing a tranquilizer with cannabis would probably leave me passed out on the floor. Will reply again later to let you guys know how it all went.

@yangedd So hear you about escape routes. I hope you get some relief.
Let us know.

@yangedd

I just reread all your posts, and something stood out to me that I hadn't noticed before. When you wrote about your partner, you said he got a job in Dublin. Are you gay? I'm asking because my son is gay, and he had a lot of family issues when he was younger that are still problems between him and his dad. He's 48 now, and he's my only biological child. Please let me know if you are willing to share this information, as that may be a large part of your brother's issues with you. I love my son and completely accept him as he is, so have no fear about how I will respond to you should you decide to share this information.

I'm so sorry to hear that your meeting didn't happen as you had planned. It sounds as if you two didn't even see each other; is that correct? If not, did you speak on the phone or communicate over text? What was said that caused your anger and his to arise? It's so difficult to read words and not put emotions in them that may not be there in reality. Years ago I decided to get counseling due to issues from my childhood that resulted in PTSD, and depression. In counseling I had to learn how to express my tremendous anger, of which I wasn't even aware at first, in ways that didn't blast away everyone in my life. It is possible to express anger without "acting it out." To learn these skills, you may want to find a Gestalt and Multi-modal therapist. I was in counseling for a long time--many years, and it's one of the best things I have ever done! The skills I learned have served me well throughout my life. I have not however, been able to establish good relationships with one older brother (who sexual abused me as a child) or with my sister who has borderline personality and is toxic for me. However, I do have close and dear friends for life with whom I have loving relationships. I recommend that you seek counseling.

Please keep in touch and if you are willing, share the answer to my first question. This year you can make your life what you want it to be, and what you desire deep in your soul. Peace. GailB

@gailb

Yes, I'm gay, but that wasn't the issue. The real issue was the fact that he always landed on his feet and did not suffer the fate that I did at home with a violent alcoholic Father because he ran away and moved out of home, leaving me and my Ma to put up with all the crap that was thrown at us including me being molested by my Dad's cousin because he was too drunk to have protected me. Yes, I'm angry and yes I'm livid and I never want anything to do with him again. And now? Once again his life turned out wonderful and complete with his new son. The son I couldn't give my Ma because of my sexuality. I forgave my Da because he put aside his own devastation of my Ma's death to help me through that time.

My brother is dead to me.

@yangedd- I'm thinking that that's a lot to put on your brother's shoulders. He had nothing to do with the continued abuse that your father reigned on both you and your mom because he left. And who could blame him? He wasn't responsible for your safety. Your mom should have taken care of that by leaving with you. Also there would be no way of knowing whether your brother would have been able to help or stop your father. Is he a lot older than you?
Sounds like this anger should still be directed toward your father because he's the one who drank. Why didn't your mom leave?
Being gay doesn't stop couples in adopting or conceiving children. I don't know what your life is now. Are you working? Can you and your partner afford a child? But do it for yourself and not out of competition with your brother. He didn't cause the way your life has turned out. You can't place blame on someone who made a success out of himself. I hope that you will re-think this all through.

Hi, @yangedd, thinking of you today and all the hard things you had to endure as a young person in your home with your violent alcoholic father. Sounds like it was and is hard to think that your brother did not have to go through all the things that you had to suffer.

Wondering how your appointment went with Dr. Naughton?