Help for dealing with personality disorder in family member

@lisalucier
Yes sadly. Undiagnosed as you know few have the insight to see it is they with a problem. Possibly a narcicisst who blames and projects onto others so he never has to take responsibilty for his own actions. I have done a lot of research to best understand toxic relationships to best learn how to mitigate the chaos, trauma and damage they do to others.

@martha7979 - I believe you might like to connect with members @amberpep @claf @lydiaoscarsmom @sadamma4 and @parus, if you've not already met them in the community, as they have talked about narcissists they have been involved with and the challenges that presents. They may identify with the blaming and projecting onto others so not to have to take responsibility for one's own actions you mentioned, as well as working with a family member who is not yet diagnosed.

You mentioned, @martha7979, that you've done research on toxic relationships and how to best mitigate the chaos, trauma and damage done to others. Wondering if you have any learnings you might share for others in this discussion?

Hi .... your story of a Narcissist probably rings true to a lot of us. I was married to one for 40 years, and then when our last child went to college, I left. I had tried everything ..... I'd gone to therapy (whom my X-husband hated), convinced him to go with me (that lasted about 3 months), and done everything I could possibly do other than lay on the floor and let him stomp on my back with his feet. He knew better than anyone else, he was smarter than anyone else, everyone else (especially me) I was stupid, irrational and illogical. I felt like a worm .... worthless, not worthy to be cared about or loved ..... just a housekeeper, maid to prepare meals, take care of the children, and of course ..... the ever demand for, sex. It was hell, to say the least, but because I grew up an only child in an alcoholic home I fell right into the trap .... I knew I was nothing so why did it matter. Well, after I was in therapy for several years, I had a breakdown. My Psychologist told me that "if you don't get out this weekend, I'm going to have to put you in Brooklane" (the local private psychiatric hospital). I left that weekend. I found out, to cover himself, he told all our friends that I was cheating on him with my therapist! OMG! I hated him for that. Two years later, I bought my own condo, and another 6 months later we were divorced. I can't tell you the mixture of emotions, sadness (I failed of course), depression, anxiety, but also a sense of relief because I was on my own and out from under that cloud of constant criticism. It's been 12 years now, and about 2+ years ago my daughters convinced me to move near to them ..... Staunton, VA. I'd been in Frederick, MD for 30 years. I did not want to move, I was totally happy, but ..... I finally came down here, and I do not like it. It was a big mistake ..... I should have stayed where I was the happiest. But, I wanted to please them, and I know I'm not getting any younger. BIG MISTAKE! I'm finally settling in, I see my girls at least once a week, and my son about once a month (he lives in Alexandria, VA). Unfortunately, my X lives down here too in a great big house. I live in low income housing. But I'm away from him and able to finally learn to "be me." And I'm not that "worm" I thought I was. N's don't change .... they are never wrong .... they are better than anyone else, superior in every way. I doubt you can get through to them, as their mind won't allow them to think otherwise. Do what you need to do for yourself .... think of yourself for a change ..... don't "have footprints on your back" as a girlfriend told me several years before I left my X.
Blessings,
abby

@lisalucier
I have joined an uplifting and wonderful support group called Dad Surviving Divorce. It is a 50/50 gender group which has many links to other groups and individuals dealing with disordered people. It has been more helpful than many therapists, as it is difficult to find a good one who truly understands and actually 'gets it'.
There are singles, spouses and grandparents in the group dealing with the day to day struggles.
The biggest problems in dealing with 'these' people is around how we communicate with them. Duane Robert who started his group has personal experience having been married to a narcicisst for 20 years. He also shares 3 children with her. Having made many mistakes initially, as we all do, he and many members of his group share their advice and wisdom to prevent others from making the same mistakes. His youtube videos on No Contact and Hybrid No Contact are priceless, among others check out his playlist. I support a daughter to deal with her ex who has been, and continues to be vindictive and self centred. We now know he is unable to change and are learning to forgive him so we can heal.
Other people who have helped us understand are Sam Vaknin, a diagnosed narcicisst himself, and Abdul Saad of Vital Mind Psychology as he has a very good explanation of how empaths fall for narcicissts and fall under their spell. It is a tortous road. If it is possible to 'cut them off at the knees', there are better times ahead and the opportunity to become a better person yourself because of the encounter with them, as difficult as this sounds. Sending anyone involved strength and hugs. X

Thank you for posting this because I see your sister in my daughter. I sometimes think, unless you have actually witnessed, what goes on in my house on a daily basis, you wouldn't believe it. Especially the part where you wrote that someone else is living in your sister's body. Totally feel the same way about my daughter. Sometimes I look at her when she's not watching, and ask myself if she is still in there and how can I reach her. And I also feel that when I do help her, I get kicked in the teeth the next minute. Almost like she doesn't remember what happened only 6 hours ago. Most bizarre thing I've ever seen. She is out of her mind and I just don't understand. I don't understand that you can be this loving sweet girl and then develop this disorder, or come to the height of this order and you're looking at a totally different person. However, I do appreciate your post because I don't feel anyone really understands how complex this is and you seemed to hit the nail on the head. It makes me feel less alone.

I am happy to see the DBT skills are helping. My daughter is also in a program. I will look up acceptance commitment therapy. That's a new term to me. Thank you.

Hi everyone. I am just starting to deal with dementia/Alzheimer's. My husband is suffering from a huge head trauma, Unfortunately it was missed ☹️ it was a horrible motorcycle accident 😣 He lost his leg above the knee. He shattered his pelvic bone and completely wrecked his hip. He is definitely is lucky to be alive 😉 but We were only together 8 months when He lost his leg. Now we have been together 8 years and he's my best friend. It's hard being the primary Care giver but I wouldn't change anything. Earl and I will make it through this. We are going to Rock this shit!!!!!!! ⚖️💯

Hi, @bdrupp - very sorry to hear about this horrible motorcycle accident your husband experienced, losing his leg above the knee, wrecking his hip and shattering his pelvic bone. Glad he made it through this traumatic accident.

Hoping members like @martha7979 @amberpep @windwalker will return and share any insights they may have, and I also wanted to be sure you met @debbraw. @lakelifelady has also been through an accident and aftereffects, and may have some thoughts to share.

You mentioned just starting to deal with dementia/Alzheimer's. Are you seeing personality changes in your husband following this accident? Is so, will you share more about what you are experiencing with him? Does he have a formal diagnosis at this point?

I suffered two brain bleeds after a Traumatic Brain injury in a car accident in 2015, as well as fractures of neck, six ribs, back and my right ankle. This was after a heart attack four months earlier. After all this time I still often lurch when on a walk and feel like everything that healed grew together crooked , get dizzy every day, car sick, have troubles with loud noise, bright lights, a lot of people conversing, exaggerated startle responses, have cognitive issues like organizing, remembering, and finishing tasks in order. I panic with screaming and crying when a trigger like coming upon an accident happens.
However, I still play flute and piano and sing in choirs and choruses. I paint, read and exercise every day. Many times I exhaust myself trying to keep going ........just my iron will personality, I guess. I am learning to accept my liabilities and to realize that I have changed for good and need to be gentle with myself.
Activity and keeping up social contacts is very important for those of us with a TBI injury or catastrophic accident. Do brain work of your preference and get Appropriate therapy for your own issues. Best of life that is yours to you!

Hi, @bdrupp - just wanted to check in with you to see how things are going with your husband and his head trauma?

@lakelifelady - you mentioned doing brain work of your preference after TBI injury or catastrophic accident. What types of brain work have been helpful for you?

@dd1931 - how is your daughter?