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No Love Involved Caregiver

Posted by godsgiver @godsgiver, Sep 11, 2018

Hi, this is Al. I am new to Mayo Discussions. 9/11/18

The challenges of caring for a family member when there is NO LOVE operating, just task mechanics, which are doable.

I am a CGr for my father-in-law who had a stroke June 2014. He moved in with us [his daughter] June 2015. I had no relationship with him except hello's and handshakes on holidays. My wife of 21 years has revealed her stories of his diminished fathering, leaving her mother and marrying moms best friend. There he raised a second family, disconnected from her and my brother-in-law.

There was no relationship or love between us. Yet I became his F/T CGr in our home. I have professional experience with Alzheimer's and dementia's.

He does not self-report on his functioning, which he can, I believe. He has lived such a life of secrecy that I believe that even reporting on his functioning is not part of his human software. Just my view, bias.

It has been quite a drain, strain, with a lot of mental combat for me over 3 + years now. I know about Thought Stopping, using distraction, etc. as coping strategies. I get no help from his daughter or her brother. The daughter from the second marriage, and hubby, have driven here + / - 10 hours 2, maybe 3, time so that we could take a vacation. The chronic nature of the day to day routine, without any encouragement and/or support sucks. Yes I have episodic bouts with anger.

Wha Wha Wha yeah yeah yeah ......

I could use a buddy or 12. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Believing I will get some feedback.
al

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godsgiver | @godsgiver | Dec 4, 2018
In reply to @gingerw "@godsgiver If your father-in-law had been clear enough in his own mind to seek words to..." + (show)
@gingerw

@godsgiver If your father-in-law had been clear enough in his own mind to seek words to tell you that he understands your frustration and offered you consolation in that respect, perhaps you would not have had the issues that you have related. My sympathy to you for experiencing all this, and my gratitude for you sharing here with your cyber friends. We are here for you!
Ginger

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Thank you !!!!
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1 reply
godsgiver | @godsgiver | Dec 4, 2018
In reply to @godsgiver "Thank you !!!!" + (show)
@godsgiver

Thank you !!!!

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gingerw

TY for your thoughts. However "If your father-in-law had been clear enough in his own mind to seek words to tell you that he understands your frustration and offered you consolation in that respect, perhaps you would not have had the issues that you have related" I believe he has the capacity for such. He just does not utilize such a posture is my opinion, based on experience with him.

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godsgiver | @godsgiver | Dec 4, 2018
In reply to @IndianaScott "@godsgiver Tough situation -- and all I can add, which is not much, is you are..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

@godsgiver Tough situation -- and all I can add, which is not much, is you are not alone. I believe every caregiver I have ever spoken to relates times when their patient lashes out at them and how impactful those times are.

It is a tough assignment and I know there were times caring for my wife that I resorted to taking out my frustrations on an old feather pillow I kept in the living room for just such occasions. Never changed the feelings, but did relieve some of my tension 🙂

I wish you continued strength, courage, and peace

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Scott,
The receiving of the lashing out's are very impactful, yes & TY. Also quite impacting for me is my verbal release back on him with the guilt, anger etc. that comes with it.

Thanks

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rmftucker | @rmftucker | Dec 4, 2018

I'm attaching a 4x6" card that I made several of and keep it to remind me of how to respond to a person with dementia. It does no good to argue with them.

Shared files

Alzheimer's Communication (Alzheimers-Communication-1.pdf)

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jimwills | @jimwills | Jul 21, 2019

I agree with Jane, you may be in over your head with this guy. My faith teaches me to care for the needy, my human nature says he brought this on himself. Turning him out, even to good resource is guilt provoking all by itself. The issue for me isn't what it's doing to you. We already know that. For me it's you, him, and everyone around you. What are you doing to your corner of the world by caring for this man as you are. Are there others who need your efforts, your kindness, your humor, or what ever gifts you have to offer? And, what harm does the natural anger you're feeling doing to you, to him, and to others who care for you and receive from you. Tough spot to be in, most assuredly. Is there someone close by that can help you sort it out without introjecting their opinions?

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1 reply
imagerays | @imagerays | Jul 21, 2019

Got to be impossible for you. It’s hard enough when you love the person. Maybe a nursing home situation is best for him?

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Jul 23, 2019
In reply to @jimwills "I agree with Jane, you may be in over your head with this guy. My faith..." + (show)
@jimwills

I agree with Jane, you may be in over your head with this guy. My faith teaches me to care for the needy, my human nature says he brought this on himself. Turning him out, even to good resource is guilt provoking all by itself. The issue for me isn't what it's doing to you. We already know that. For me it's you, him, and everyone around you. What are you doing to your corner of the world by caring for this man as you are. Are there others who need your efforts, your kindness, your humor, or what ever gifts you have to offer? And, what harm does the natural anger you're feeling doing to you, to him, and to others who care for you and receive from you. Tough spot to be in, most assuredly. Is there someone close by that can help you sort it out without introjecting their opinions?

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@godsgiver What a difficult situation you are in. I agree with @jimwills that now is a time to look all around and see what this situation is doing to everyone, but especially you. Your background in mental health makes you very valuable. You shouldn’t have to take the abuse from him or the uncaring attitude from his family. Maybe sit and have a family conference and just say, ‘I can’t do this anymore. What ideas do the rest of you have?’ He’s their father . Please let us know what you are able to do.

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Oct 1, 2019
In reply to @godsgiver "Got it, TY." + (show)
@godsgiver

Got it, TY.

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@godsgiver Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile. How is everything going for you? Have you and the family come up with any new solutions for his care? I’ve been worried

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