No Love Involved Caregiver

. I am sorry that you have this. My mil when her husband enabled her and she didn't have a lif e with him and when he was sick at 44 (my age now) I hjad a baby and a three year old,now 23 and 20 grownup daughters.My mil has another son no kids a house w three bedrooms and a twenty min drive. He doesn't call her at all,when he had nobody,he was up our butts all the time clinging on,saw him and his wife at my daughter (she graduated college and her baby shower,my wonderful grandson,I have see three times,he is six months,my daughter won't bring him here his mom not into showers,smells like third hand smoke,she is always in our business,we would have to lie about going there clingy and needy,when his father died leaving her a quarter of a million including house she sold,she didn't work for seven years and lived off of uis for nine months to pay her mortgage was laying down all day,we gave up one of our daughter's bedrooms,she took over our living room,then we had to say landlord wanted to charge rent,the whole time she was staying off of us was to pay a timeshare she lost,she now is 62 had a stroke at 52 went back to chain smoking she was obese and short now diabetes 2 fat and round at the top skinny legs,does nothing won't wlk,my grandfather was 87 and would be in worse shape than her and would walk to the store,if something is on her bank settlement we pay rent I had to go into a hospital nervous breakdown my husband was like her. I told him to shit or get off the pot so he finally is working ft at a job he started nine months ago. His mom goes through our things,knocks on the door at 3 m when we have to lock and hide everything,the woman has a loud naally voice before the stroke selfish..I think we have done all we can and we are saving and leaving in spring and everyone,the ones who knew me saw me decompose but my head space was out of the zone. I was diagnosed with complex ptsd, but it took about five years to research,heal and cope in a whole new way. My work,cognitive skills were temporarily for a few years,impaired,have made a full recovery, Living here this time was supposed to be a year and a half my mom died at 59 young full time worker beautiful deserved better treatment than mil frumpy loks 80 and acts four we are finally getting a car next week after three years. She called my friend at te at night I was spending the night asked us to go get her cigarettes no..the next night there was a 4 car accident knocked the pole off of walgreens,well she sid it was 50 dollars to pick up her mes and I called my friend had a bit to drink and I had (during my breakdown)lost license but court dismissed it the cars were illegally parked and this happened when I lost sixty pounds and no eating sleeping. I am not taking a chance to drive the car. It began with the stressors in life. Transition..this was and is a normal stress for everyone,this was a lot of unwanted,uncomfortable and sadly,false pretenses of moving here to help each family to move up but it all completely backfired one by one,another transition was shawn losing his career and out of work for so long due to the economy and just in a rut,so buying a house in our name had to be put on a longer hold and the realtor passed away suddenly,The house with my carpenter father,visiting from Canada did 2000 dollars worth of work on this home and also when I was in the hospital,My mom's money went into this "chicken coop" house.It went back on the market in 2014 and almost sold,failed inspection..Needs a new roof and something else..grrrr..so i used the money I had,I was declared by four drs. to rest,stay out of work lay low for a year,impossible,my husband wasn't working and then told me he had Amazon and I thought that I would get my health back by moving so I paid nine months worth of an apartment it I am writing a novel about this decade,seriously am on page 36 and it is something I always wanted to do at this age,to write an autobiography,I loved to write since I began to write. I wrote my first little book when I was 7,wrote a column in a teen magazine and won a poetry contest for writing in my grandmother's magazine 100 dollars ,when I was sixteen. She sent it in and all she did was put her date of birth as you had to be 18,i won and it was published,lol high stress and three jobs in a toxic environment prior to my Mom's death and the dog attack.The dog attack was basically the straw that broke the camel's back,the prelude began about a year and a half after we left Rhode Island,slowly but a lot on my plate that I was responsible for but the ones,events out of my of my control ,a lot more than usual bad luck kept ongoing,nonstop the ups and downs were extinct during that period,2010 it was identity theft a few times,money stolen,other things stolen,his mother was always a manipulator and sneaky,the stroke has just taken the worst parts of her and magnified those ten times worse than the initial annoyance. Sadly the good part of her you don't see very much,she gave up in 2000 and I literally had a taste of caregiver burnout from her,helping her and she wouldn't meet us a step of the way forget half way,then we just have to pick up the pieces of her husband totally spoiled her as in enabled her and she never became an independent person,she has a very unhealthy attachment to my hubby,they call it surrogate spouse,enmeshment,busy body,,enabler,not even close of the parenting I had..It was just like sense of entitlement thinking, a ton of consequences that broke my nervous system in tatters(to say the least)My memory is in tact along with my cognition and I enrolled in college and am taking the rest of my courses to obtain my degree within six months,an associates in Early Childhood. I will then take the test for my CDA and already is opening doors for me. I am in the process of interviewing with Bright Horizons to work with infants,and is on the top 100 Forbes list. Has impeccable reviews with amazing benefits and will eventually lead to a full time position,401k tuition assistance to obtain my bachelor's etc. I spent 8 years paying disability back 60k and could gross 1100 a month as a hairdresser,all was on me got under the table jobs with it also to survive prior to losing my mom and the dog as a nanny at my job six month's after losing my mom in a freak accident their ill dog bit my face twice,two chomps 235 stitches,that is when I had a nervous breakdown after another and then lost my apartment,the doctors in one of my hospital visit said rest take a year off,I couldn't function and here I am back with this one,like a prisoner,I am healthier now,He didn't work I had paid nine months rent bought furniture all of that to get away,the nervous breakdown had to run its course

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. I am sorry that you have this. My mil when her husband enabled her and she didn't have a lif e with him and when he was sick at 44 (my age now) I hjad a baby and a three year old,now 23 and 20 grownup daughters.My mil has another son no kids a house w three bedrooms and a twenty min drive. He doesn't call her at all,when he had nobody,he was up our butts all the time clinging on,saw him and his wife at my daughter (she graduated college and her baby shower,my wonderful grandson,I have see three times,he is six months,my daughter won't bring him here his mom not into showers,smells like third hand smoke,she is always in our business,we would have to lie about going there clingy and needy,when his father died leaving her a quarter of a million including house she sold,she didn't work for seven years and lived off of uis for nine months to pay her mortgage was laying down all day,we gave up one of our daughter's bedrooms,she took over our living room,then we had to say landlord wanted to charge rent,the whole time she was staying off of us was to pay a timeshare she lost,she now is 62 had a stroke at 52 went back to chain smoking she was obese and short now diabetes 2 fat and round at the top skinny legs,does nothing won't wlk,my grandfather was 87 and would be in worse shape than her and would walk to the store,if something is on her bank settlement we pay rent I had to go into a hospital nervous breakdown my husband was like her. I told him to shit or get off the pot so he finally is working ft at a job he started nine months ago. His mom goes through our things,knocks on the door at 3 m when we have to lock and hide everything,the woman has a loud naally voice before the stroke selfish..I think we have done all we can and we are saving and leaving in spring and everyone,the ones who knew me saw me decompose but my head space was out of the zone. I was diagnosed with complex ptsd, but it took about five years to research,heal and cope in a whole new way. My work,cognitive skills were temporarily for a few years,impaired,have made a full recovery, Living here this time was supposed to be a year and a half my mom died at 59 young full time worker beautiful deserved better treatment than mil frumpy loks 80 and acts four we are finally getting a car next week after three years. She called my friend at te at night I was spending the night asked us to go get her cigarettes no..the next night there was a 4 car accident knocked the pole off of walgreens,well she sid it was 50 dollars to pick up her mes and I called my friend had a bit to drink and I had (during my breakdown)lost license but court dismissed it the cars were illegally parked and this happened when I lost sixty pounds and no eating sleeping. I am not taking a chance to drive the car. It began with the stressors in life. Transition..this was and is a normal stress for everyone,this was a lot of unwanted,uncomfortable and sadly,false pretenses of moving here to help each family to move up but it all completely backfired one by one,another transition was shawn losing his career and out of work for so long due to the economy and just in a rut,so buying a house in our name had to be put on a longer hold and the realtor passed away suddenly,The house with my carpenter father,visiting from Canada did 2000 dollars worth of work on this home and also when I was in the hospital,My mom's money went into this "chicken coop" house.It went back on the market in 2014 and almost sold,failed inspection..Needs a new roof and something else..grrrr..so i used the money I had,I was declared by four drs. to rest,stay out of work lay low for a year,impossible,my husband wasn't working and then told me he had Amazon and I thought that I would get my health back by moving so I paid nine months worth of an apartment it I am writing a novel about this decade,seriously am on page 36 and it is something I always wanted to do at this age,to write an autobiography,I loved to write since I began to write. I wrote my first little book when I was 7,wrote a column in a teen magazine and won a poetry contest for writing in my grandmother's magazine 100 dollars ,when I was sixteen. She sent it in and all she did was put her date of birth as you had to be 18,i won and it was published,lol high stress and three jobs in a toxic environment prior to my Mom's death and the dog attack.The dog attack was basically the straw that broke the camel's back,the prelude began about a year and a half after we left Rhode Island,slowly but a lot on my plate that I was responsible for but the ones,events out of my of my control ,a lot more than usual bad luck kept ongoing,nonstop the ups and downs were extinct during that period,2010 it was identity theft a few times,money stolen,other things stolen,his mother was always a manipulator and sneaky,the stroke has just taken the worst parts of her and magnified those ten times worse than the initial annoyance. Sadly the good part of her you don't see very much,she gave up in 2000 and I literally had a taste of caregiver burnout from her,helping her and she wouldn't meet us a step of the way forget half way,then we just have to pick up the pieces of her husband totally spoiled her as in enabled her and she never became an independent person,she has a very unhealthy attachment to my hubby,they call it surrogate spouse,enmeshment,busy body,,enabler,not even close of the parenting I had..It was just like sense of entitlement thinking, a ton of consequences that broke my nervous system in tatters(to say the least)My memory is in tact along with my cognition and I enrolled in college and am taking the rest of my courses to obtain my degree within six months,an associates in Early Childhood. I will then take the test for my CDA and already is opening doors for me. I am in the process of interviewing with Bright Horizons to work with infants,and is on the top 100 Forbes list. Has impeccable reviews with amazing benefits and will eventually lead to a full time position,401k tuition assistance to obtain my bachelor's etc. I spent 8 years paying disability back 60k and could gross 1100 a month as a hairdresser,all was on me got under the table jobs with it also to survive prior to losing my mom and the dog as a nanny at my job six month's after losing my mom in a freak accident their ill dog bit my face twice,two chomps 235 stitches,that is when I had a nervous breakdown after another and then lost my apartment,the doctors in one of my hospital visit said rest take a year off,I couldn't function and here I am back with this one,like a prisoner,I am healthier now,He didn't work I had paid nine months rent bought furniture all of that to get away,the nervous breakdown had to run its course

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Al, just re-read your post, you have been doing this for 3 1/2 years...could FIL get "respite care" occasionally at a care center? YOU need a break Al from your routine. When my husband of 50 years was on hospice, I was told that his hospice group would pay for time ever so often if I needed it....it was offered, not needed or wanted ever, he was easy to care for. Could hospice be an option for you? Imagine your world is getting smaller isn't it.

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@godsgiver ...Just a thought. I mean perhaps your patient is directing unfavorably to you since you are familiar. My husb is so different with nurses and others. I am trying to "wrap my head around our situation" accepting that our close interaction on a daily basis is the reason. I'm trying not to take it ""personally "".

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It seems to happen a whole lot more than I thought it would--not getting support from family members. I remember sitting endless days and nights next to my mom's bed in the nursing home. She finally went home to be with the Lord, 7 years ago. Those days seemed endless, but they sure taught me how to pray like never before! I am praying for you, "godsgiver." One thing that really surprised me is that the people you would expect to help you during this time, give you no support. Don't give up, "godsgiver" hang in there--the people on this site will support you, with prayers and encouragement.

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12/4/18 re: 11/29/18 It has been a very tough week ! Temporary, situational, meds stalled his BM's.

Once I remembered the meds' impact here, I informed him of it and presented corrective action at the same time. Before I knew it, his instant on rebellion, dismissal, of my input flourished into yelling. This so severely hit my button ... and they're off into an argument on this. It evolved my stance to express frustrations, anger, regarding his position, behavior, of an absence of any sort of personal respect demonstrated toward me.

I asked my wife, his daughter, to join us. She leaned on the door frame and I don’t believe she spoke at all and very, very, little on this since. Note, this is normal for her as if the acorn doesn’t fall from the tree.

I expressed to him my self-loathing, guilt, over losing my cool, venting, that day. I added that it will take me a week to get over this. I had, have, unwanted and ongoing, active, intrusive, mental replays, videos, and/or creations of new scenes. This still operates for me. A week may not be enough, ... Thy will be done ! This 30 - 60:00 minutes has such an ongoing hangover.

Prayer has helped me to return to the provision of care from a stance of dignity and respect toward him. This comes from a place greater than me. The words that come out of my mouth, my approach to care giving surprises me, catches me off guard, in a positive manner. This is surprising and welcomed by me. However, the ongoing mental attacks, battles, pop up regularly. I use prayer, Thought Stopping, Cognitive Restructuring, and distraction to derail these mental battles, with success. I wish I wouldn’t have to call upon these strategies, multiple times a day, to move through the battles, working to maximize creating a good day for me. I do this daily, wash, rinse, repeat ………

PS I have been told my writing is Faulknarian, Faulkner. Apparently he was gifted with run on sentences.

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12/4/18 re: 11/29/18 It has been a very tough week ! Temporary, situational, meds stalled his BM's.

Once I remembered the meds' impact here, I informed him of it and presented corrective action at the same time. Before I knew it, his instant on rebellion, dismissal, of my input flourished into yelling. This so severely hit my button ... and they're off into an argument on this. It evolved my stance to express frustrations, anger, regarding his position, behavior, of an absence of any sort of personal respect demonstrated toward me.

I asked my wife, his daughter, to join us. She leaned on the door frame and I don’t believe she spoke at all and very, very, little on this since. Note, this is normal for her as if the acorn doesn’t fall from the tree.

I expressed to him my self-loathing, guilt, over losing my cool, venting, that day. I added that it will take me a week to get over this. I had, have, unwanted and ongoing, active, intrusive, mental replays, videos, and/or creations of new scenes. This still operates for me. A week may not be enough, ... Thy will be done ! This 30 - 60:00 minutes has such an ongoing hangover.

Prayer has helped me to return to the provision of care from a stance of dignity and respect toward him. This comes from a place greater than me. The words that come out of my mouth, my approach to care giving surprises me, catches me off guard, in a positive manner. This is surprising and welcomed by me. However, the ongoing mental attacks, battles, pop up regularly. I use prayer, Thought Stopping, Cognitive Restructuring, and distraction to derail these mental battles, with success. I wish I wouldn’t have to call upon these strategies, multiple times a day, to move through the battles, working to maximize creating a good day for me. I do this daily, wash, rinse, repeat ………

PS I have been told my writing is Faulknarian, Faulkner. Apparently he was gifted with run on sentences.

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