1. < Mental Health

How Loss Affects You

Posted by shoregal45 @shoregal45, Feb 23, 2018

I am a 72 year old single female, living alone. I have been a patient of my Internist/Primary Care doctor for over 26 years. Last week I received a letter from him that he was retiring today, February 23, 2018. The letter had been sent out in January but was lost in the mail. It so happened that I called his office for an appointment and his secretary told me. I was able to see him this past Wednesday for a Wellness exam (otherwise known in the day as a "Physical"!) and discussion of my future plans. Ever since learning this I have been crying off and on. During my appointment I asked that we leave "Discussion" for last. We proceeded through my exam and tests happily chatting away. It came time to "Discuss" and I looked at him and said, "I'm devastated". He stared back at me and I again said "I'm absolutely devastated" that you're leaving. I think I shocked him a bit and he apologized; I told him how happy I am that he is retiring and will be able to relax and do things that he never had the time for. We talked about possible routes for me to take in finding a new doctor/hospital. I gave him a letter to read and he said he thought I'd want him to read it later and I shook my head yes. It was a thank you for his years of care. Then the time came for me to leave. He shook my hand and I kissed him on the cheek and told him how very much I am going to miss him. He was a bit sheepish and had a slight tear in his eye and shook his head yes and when he opened to door to leave I heard a low heavy sigh.
Today he surprised me by calling with test results (which are also printed on MyChart for me to access). I was very cheerful and we discussed the results which were good and I again wished him well and he reciprocated by "Be well, Jane". I hung up the phone and burst into tears and am still crying 9 hours later!
I've had several type losses over the past two years that have affected my life. Right now I am alone, feel abandoned, frightened, so so sad. With the medical community changing the way it has into big business conglomerates, doctors' time and office hours have diminished. It has become a business, not a doctor's office. My doctor was "my main man" who was there when I needed him and/or would refer me to the particular specialist(s). When I think I am never going to see him again I panic.
I met him 26+ years ago when referred by a neurologist. Before, I had been seeing all types of doctors to get a diagnosis that none of them could give me. This doctor took all sorts of tests and I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. He cured me and it was a very emotional time for me finally knowing what was making me so sick. He also was very instrumental for me to obtain disability from my firm.
I do not plan to rush into anything - meaning getting a new doc right at this moment. I will do my homework and either go back to his group of doctors (prior to that for 24 of my years with him he had his own practice) or select one closer to my home. There are also City MDs near me should I get sick and a good hospital. His office was uptown Manhattan and it took time and cost to make my visit. He was so smart and caring that it didn't matter and I felt I was where the best doctors were - in the big City and not one of the outlying boros. (That's because I had issue with my GP before the Lyme.) I mentioned these added factors as I believe they have impacted why I feel the way I do.
My question is How Do I Cope - What do I do to ease my grief, because that's exactly what it feels like. I did have a psychologist tell me that it was indeed grief - a big loss- and it will take several weeks to adjust to the new whatever. I'd appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks, Jane.

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jeannegordon4 | @jeannegordon4 | Mar 1, 2018

Dear shoregal45, I do grasp and apprehend your misery and deep sadness. We small sisterhood of aged single females know sorrows of which few others experience. I'm passing on a quotation that gives me comfort and perspective during my difficult moments. It is by Edward Fitzgerald {1809-1883} from The Rubdyydt of Omar Khayydm:
The Moving Finger writes: and having
writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a
Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word
of it.

In other words---our deeply comforting relationships are transitory and we mortals are hapless and miserable at their passing. We, also, must move on. There are many useful suggestions presented herein to help find wholeness again. I hope you do.

REPLY
1 reply
shoregal45 | @shoregal45 | Mar 1, 2018
In reply to @jeannegordon4 "Dear shoregal45, I do grasp and apprehend your misery and deep sadness. We small sisterhood of..." + (show)
@jeannegordon4

Dear shoregal45, I do grasp and apprehend your misery and deep sadness. We small sisterhood of aged single females know sorrows of which few others experience. I'm passing on a quotation that gives me comfort and perspective during my difficult moments. It is by Edward Fitzgerald {1809-1883} from The Rubdyydt of Omar Khayydm:
The Moving Finger writes: and having
writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a
Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word
of it.

In other words---our deeply comforting relationships are transitory and we mortals are hapless and miserable at their passing. We, also, must move on. There are many useful suggestions presented herein to help find wholeness again. I hope you do.

Jump to this post

Thanks jeannegordon4. That's beautiful.

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Parus | @parus | Mar 2, 2018

The thing with the hurt of a loss is it stays with us. In time the sting of loss does not hurt as much, but still returns at times with floods of loneliness and despair.

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3 replies
nolongerstressedmesseddepressed | @stressedmesseddepressed | Mar 2, 2018

I feel qualified to talk about my experiences with loss. I lost my beloved mother to the dreaded ALS. Time truly heals. And you have to know that a strong love like a mother for a son, for example, is too strong to end at death. (Energy can be neither created nor destroyed - physics principle). Give it time, surround yourself with a supportive community (like your church, friends, family) and give it time and know your loved one is a soul in heaven who knows what you're up to and helps you (as you would for your loved one if you went first). hang in there. Everyone grieves differently. Wishing you peace and joy. Suggestion - Read anything by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Feel better!

REPLY
shoregal45 | @shoregal45 | Mar 2, 2018
In reply to @parus "The thing with the hurt of a loss is it stays with us. In time the..." + (show)
@parus

The thing with the hurt of a loss is it stays with us. In time the sting of loss does not hurt as much, but still returns at times with floods of loneliness and despair.

Jump to this post

True.

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Mar 2, 2018
In reply to @parus "The thing with the hurt of a loss is it stays with us. In time the..." + (show)
@parus

The thing with the hurt of a loss is it stays with us. In time the sting of loss does not hurt as much, but still returns at times with floods of loneliness and despair.

Jump to this post

@parus So true! Thanks for that important reminder.

Teresa

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Mar 3, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years..." + (show)
@kdawn32

Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years is difficult. Grief is definitely the right word for it. It feels strange because the person is not dying, but rather getting to go into a new phase of their life where likely good things will happen for them. So along with your grief you might feel a little guilt for felling the grief. That shouldn't happen, but it can. That is OK. One thing I found with grief is getting back into a routine, as so often said, "A new normal" does help. So finding a doctor, a physician's assistant, or a nurse practitioner can be helpful. Is there anyone else at your doctors practice that you can see? I just recently had to find a new doctor. My doctor of 25 years (also my parents DR.) is getting ready to retire. There are a lot of reviews, biographies etc on the internet for Doctors. I found those helpful. Best of luck on your endeavor to find a new doctor. I hope you end up with someone wonderful.

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@shoregal45 @parus et al

I'm understanding that grief can present similarly to PTSD, in that it may or may not ever be resolved. Trauma is something that will quite possibly never be forgotten. For many people, it affects their every thought, and is disabling, and needs to be acknowledged by the medical community. Somehow, we can learn to move forward, but not without great difficulty and suffering.

We need to understand that, and not allow people to place guilt on us. No one can understand completely how we feel. Anyone who tells us to tough it out or get over it or some other dumb advice, such as Jeff Sessions did regarding pain, deserves to be put down. If not put down, at least gagged.

Jim

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Mar 3, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years..." + (show)
@kdawn32

Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years is difficult. Grief is definitely the right word for it. It feels strange because the person is not dying, but rather getting to go into a new phase of their life where likely good things will happen for them. So along with your grief you might feel a little guilt for felling the grief. That shouldn't happen, but it can. That is OK. One thing I found with grief is getting back into a routine, as so often said, "A new normal" does help. So finding a doctor, a physician's assistant, or a nurse practitioner can be helpful. Is there anyone else at your doctors practice that you can see? I just recently had to find a new doctor. My doctor of 25 years (also my parents DR.) is getting ready to retire. There are a lot of reviews, biographies etc on the internet for Doctors. I found those helpful. Best of luck on your endeavor to find a new doctor. I hope you end up with someone wonderful.

Jump to this post

@jimhd I'd really like to "double-like" your post - Jim! Very good!!! Teresa

REPLY
shoregal45 | @shoregal45 | Mar 3, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years..." + (show)
@kdawn32

Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years is difficult. Grief is definitely the right word for it. It feels strange because the person is not dying, but rather getting to go into a new phase of their life where likely good things will happen for them. So along with your grief you might feel a little guilt for felling the grief. That shouldn't happen, but it can. That is OK. One thing I found with grief is getting back into a routine, as so often said, "A new normal" does help. So finding a doctor, a physician's assistant, or a nurse practitioner can be helpful. Is there anyone else at your doctors practice that you can see? I just recently had to find a new doctor. My doctor of 25 years (also my parents DR.) is getting ready to retire. There are a lot of reviews, biographies etc on the internet for Doctors. I found those helpful. Best of luck on your endeavor to find a new doctor. I hope you end up with someone wonderful.

Jump to this post

You're so right, Jim. I say "walk a mile in my shoes" before you're so quick with the answers. The hardest is close friends who say they understand, but "actions speak louder than words" I say. They rally around you for a day or so and then disappear for days or weeks. I know this is a busy world we live in but I just don't get it.
Jane

REPLY
shoregal45 | @shoregal45 | Mar 3, 2018
In reply to @parus "The thing with the hurt of a loss is it stays with us. In time the..." + (show)
@parus

The thing with the hurt of a loss is it stays with us. In time the sting of loss does not hurt as much, but still returns at times with floods of loneliness and despair.

Jump to this post

So true; especially at the holidays.

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