1. < Mental Health

How Loss Affects You

Posted by shoregal45 @shoregal45, Feb 23, 2018

I am a 72 year old single female, living alone. I have been a patient of my Internist/Primary Care doctor for over 26 years. Last week I received a letter from him that he was retiring today, February 23, 2018. The letter had been sent out in January but was lost in the mail. It so happened that I called his office for an appointment and his secretary told me. I was able to see him this past Wednesday for a Wellness exam (otherwise known in the day as a "Physical"!) and discussion of my future plans. Ever since learning this I have been crying off and on. During my appointment I asked that we leave "Discussion" for last. We proceeded through my exam and tests happily chatting away. It came time to "Discuss" and I looked at him and said, "I'm devastated". He stared back at me and I again said "I'm absolutely devastated" that you're leaving. I think I shocked him a bit and he apologized; I told him how happy I am that he is retiring and will be able to relax and do things that he never had the time for. We talked about possible routes for me to take in finding a new doctor/hospital. I gave him a letter to read and he said he thought I'd want him to read it later and I shook my head yes. It was a thank you for his years of care. Then the time came for me to leave. He shook my hand and I kissed him on the cheek and told him how very much I am going to miss him. He was a bit sheepish and had a slight tear in his eye and shook his head yes and when he opened to door to leave I heard a low heavy sigh.
Today he surprised me by calling with test results (which are also printed on MyChart for me to access). I was very cheerful and we discussed the results which were good and I again wished him well and he reciprocated by "Be well, Jane". I hung up the phone and burst into tears and am still crying 9 hours later!
I've had several type losses over the past two years that have affected my life. Right now I am alone, feel abandoned, frightened, so so sad. With the medical community changing the way it has into big business conglomerates, doctors' time and office hours have diminished. It has become a business, not a doctor's office. My doctor was "my main man" who was there when I needed him and/or would refer me to the particular specialist(s). When I think I am never going to see him again I panic.
I met him 26+ years ago when referred by a neurologist. Before, I had been seeing all types of doctors to get a diagnosis that none of them could give me. This doctor took all sorts of tests and I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. He cured me and it was a very emotional time for me finally knowing what was making me so sick. He also was very instrumental for me to obtain disability from my firm.
I do not plan to rush into anything - meaning getting a new doc right at this moment. I will do my homework and either go back to his group of doctors (prior to that for 24 of my years with him he had his own practice) or select one closer to my home. There are also City MDs near me should I get sick and a good hospital. His office was uptown Manhattan and it took time and cost to make my visit. He was so smart and caring that it didn't matter and I felt I was where the best doctors were - in the big City and not one of the outlying boros. (That's because I had issue with my GP before the Lyme.) I mentioned these added factors as I believe they have impacted why I feel the way I do.
My question is How Do I Cope - What do I do to ease my grief, because that's exactly what it feels like. I did have a psychologist tell me that it was indeed grief - a big loss- and it will take several weeks to adjust to the new whatever. I'd appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks, Jane.

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Parus | @parus | Mar 3, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "@shoregal45 Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was..." + (show)
@jimhd

@shoregal45

Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was a client with Lutheran Community Services for 8-9 years, and they hire therapists cheap so they can do their one year internship here, after which, they waste no time moving to greener pastures. I had to start all over with a new therapist every year. Then the hospital hired a therapist who would have a very limited number of clients. They stayed a little more than a year, but not much. After the last one, it took them 18 months to fill the position. Robert came last April, and has indicated that he plans to stay here. I don't know if I can handle losing another therapist and starting all over again. I have to go through the painful process of telling my story. I hate doing that.

My pcp is approaching retirement, and I'm not looking forward to finding another one. He's been a really good doctor for 12 years.

Our daughter-in-law is a nurse practitioner, and works in a private practice with 3 doctors. She only schedules 3 patients an hour. In her previous positions she saw many people in their homes. I think I'm going to talk with her and see what she says about finding a new doctor. I've seen a couple of doctors at my doctor's clinic as a walk in appointment and been pleased with them. I haven't yet asked my pcp how soon he's going to retire, but he might not know at this point.

Grief is a personal thing. We each process it in our own way and at our own pace. I hope that you are able to find a doctor with whom you're comfortable and compatible, Jane.

Jim

Jump to this post

So true. Some places do not even allow 20 minutes. It is hard for a doctor, PA or NP to give a a patient quality care. I believe most of them would rather care for a patient with compassion and a willingness to give adequate care. Yes, it is a business and it will not get better. Pets get better care. I also want to believe the professionals I see are qualified and I realize it is a business like any thing else. Everything has become a business and about the Almighty Dollar...I think insurance plays a large part. Surely medical professionals want to care for patients.
When I go for an appointment I find I feel under pressure to the point I am hesitant to ask questions and have learned to not even mention pain. I waited in the exam room for 1 hour-even offered to reschedule as I had questions and did want to run the NP even later. Sad when one goes for health care and feels guilt for even going.

REPLY
Parus | @parus | Mar 3, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years..." + (show)
@kdawn32

Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years is difficult. Grief is definitely the right word for it. It feels strange because the person is not dying, but rather getting to go into a new phase of their life where likely good things will happen for them. So along with your grief you might feel a little guilt for felling the grief. That shouldn't happen, but it can. That is OK. One thing I found with grief is getting back into a routine, as so often said, "A new normal" does help. So finding a doctor, a physician's assistant, or a nurse practitioner can be helpful. Is there anyone else at your doctors practice that you can see? I just recently had to find a new doctor. My doctor of 25 years (also my parents DR.) is getting ready to retire. There are a lot of reviews, biographies etc on the internet for Doctors. I found those helpful. Best of luck on your endeavor to find a new doctor. I hope you end up with someone wonderful.

Jump to this post

I am doing the best I can to tough it out which is essentially what the pain specialist told me by telling me the weather is warming and to get out and walk. I felt ashamed for asking and that ain't right. How is it when I talk of pain I feel
dirty and weak and a heaping of guilt because of being weak? I keep trying for quality of life. Not feeling sorry for myself. The last 2 visits i sat and felt lesser than...my issue I am sure. PTSD is a part of life every minute and in everything or every place I go. Moving forward is difficult. Currently rather stuck. Kind of in, "why bother" mode. Sorry to not be more encouraging.

REPLY
Parus | @parus | Mar 3, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years..." + (show)
@kdawn32

Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years is difficult. Grief is definitely the right word for it. It feels strange because the person is not dying, but rather getting to go into a new phase of their life where likely good things will happen for them. So along with your grief you might feel a little guilt for felling the grief. That shouldn't happen, but it can. That is OK. One thing I found with grief is getting back into a routine, as so often said, "A new normal" does help. So finding a doctor, a physician's assistant, or a nurse practitioner can be helpful. Is there anyone else at your doctors practice that you can see? I just recently had to find a new doctor. My doctor of 25 years (also my parents DR.) is getting ready to retire. There are a lot of reviews, biographies etc on the internet for Doctors. I found those helpful. Best of luck on your endeavor to find a new doctor. I hope you end up with someone wonderful.

Jump to this post

@shoregal45 I prefer being alone-yes, a line from one of my favorite songs-the rest of the line, "before you ridicule, criticize and abuse".

REPLY
shoregal45 | @shoregal45 | Mar 4, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years..." + (show)
@kdawn32

Losing someone who has helped you through your life for the past 26 or so years is difficult. Grief is definitely the right word for it. It feels strange because the person is not dying, but rather getting to go into a new phase of their life where likely good things will happen for them. So along with your grief you might feel a little guilt for felling the grief. That shouldn't happen, but it can. That is OK. One thing I found with grief is getting back into a routine, as so often said, "A new normal" does help. So finding a doctor, a physician's assistant, or a nurse practitioner can be helpful. Is there anyone else at your doctors practice that you can see? I just recently had to find a new doctor. My doctor of 25 years (also my parents DR.) is getting ready to retire. There are a lot of reviews, biographies etc on the internet for Doctors. I found those helpful. Best of luck on your endeavor to find a new doctor. I hope you end up with someone wonderful.

Jump to this post

There are times I love being alone - not having to answer the phone, eating when I want, catch up on reading, etc. Too much alone time isn't good though.
Jane

REPLY
shoregal45 | @shoregal45 | Mar 4, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "@shoregal45 Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was..." + (show)
@jimhd

@shoregal45

Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was a client with Lutheran Community Services for 8-9 years, and they hire therapists cheap so they can do their one year internship here, after which, they waste no time moving to greener pastures. I had to start all over with a new therapist every year. Then the hospital hired a therapist who would have a very limited number of clients. They stayed a little more than a year, but not much. After the last one, it took them 18 months to fill the position. Robert came last April, and has indicated that he plans to stay here. I don't know if I can handle losing another therapist and starting all over again. I have to go through the painful process of telling my story. I hate doing that.

My pcp is approaching retirement, and I'm not looking forward to finding another one. He's been a really good doctor for 12 years.

Our daughter-in-law is a nurse practitioner, and works in a private practice with 3 doctors. She only schedules 3 patients an hour. In her previous positions she saw many people in their homes. I think I'm going to talk with her and see what she says about finding a new doctor. I've seen a couple of doctors at my doctor's clinic as a walk in appointment and been pleased with them. I haven't yet asked my pcp how soon he's going to retire, but he might not know at this point.

Grief is a personal thing. We each process it in our own way and at our own pace. I hope that you are able to find a doctor with whom you're comfortable and compatible, Jane.

Jim

Jump to this post

I don't think my retired doc adjusted to that system - I know I didn't. He always gave me time. Our last visit was over an hour. He had his own practice before joining that group and for 24 years I never worried when I went to visit him. It's not just the insurance, it's the large hospitals which keep buying up other medical facilities and it's all about money.
Jane

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Mar 4, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "@shoregal45 Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was..." + (show)
@jimhd

@shoregal45

Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was a client with Lutheran Community Services for 8-9 years, and they hire therapists cheap so they can do their one year internship here, after which, they waste no time moving to greener pastures. I had to start all over with a new therapist every year. Then the hospital hired a therapist who would have a very limited number of clients. They stayed a little more than a year, but not much. After the last one, it took them 18 months to fill the position. Robert came last April, and has indicated that he plans to stay here. I don't know if I can handle losing another therapist and starting all over again. I have to go through the painful process of telling my story. I hate doing that.

My pcp is approaching retirement, and I'm not looking forward to finding another one. He's been a really good doctor for 12 years.

Our daughter-in-law is a nurse practitioner, and works in a private practice with 3 doctors. She only schedules 3 patients an hour. In her previous positions she saw many people in their homes. I think I'm going to talk with her and see what she says about finding a new doctor. I've seen a couple of doctors at my doctor's clinic as a walk in appointment and been pleased with them. I haven't yet asked my pcp how soon he's going to retire, but he might not know at this point.

Grief is a personal thing. We each process it in our own way and at our own pace. I hope that you are able to find a doctor with whom you're comfortable and compatible, Jane.

Jim

Jump to this post

@shoregal45

That's surely the case where I live, though I know it's not true everywhere.

Jim

REPLY
Gary, Alumni Mentor | @gman007 | Mar 4, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "@shoregal45 Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was..." + (show)
@jimhd

@shoregal45

Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was a client with Lutheran Community Services for 8-9 years, and they hire therapists cheap so they can do their one year internship here, after which, they waste no time moving to greener pastures. I had to start all over with a new therapist every year. Then the hospital hired a therapist who would have a very limited number of clients. They stayed a little more than a year, but not much. After the last one, it took them 18 months to fill the position. Robert came last April, and has indicated that he plans to stay here. I don't know if I can handle losing another therapist and starting all over again. I have to go through the painful process of telling my story. I hate doing that.

My pcp is approaching retirement, and I'm not looking forward to finding another one. He's been a really good doctor for 12 years.

Our daughter-in-law is a nurse practitioner, and works in a private practice with 3 doctors. She only schedules 3 patients an hour. In her previous positions she saw many people in their homes. I think I'm going to talk with her and see what she says about finding a new doctor. I've seen a couple of doctors at my doctor's clinic as a walk in appointment and been pleased with them. I haven't yet asked my pcp how soon he's going to retire, but he might not know at this point.

Grief is a personal thing. We each process it in our own way and at our own pace. I hope that you are able to find a doctor with whom you're comfortable and compatible, Jane.

Jim

Jump to this post

@parus, the goal of many of the large "not-for-profit" medical institutions who actually have profits into the hundreds of MILLION dollars is that their affiliated physicians spend 3 minutes with a patient. I hang on to the ones I have who don't really try to adhere to that and go shopping if I have one who will not allow me the time necessary to be comfortable with anything we've discussed and any questions I had. It is not all about age, either. My PCP is probably around 30, but is very patient and tries to wrap a bow on all of the specialists I have seen since I saw him last and summarize where I am holistically. A very good man - when I found out that he volunteers with Doctors without Borders, I knew I had found someone with the compassion I believe so necessary.

REPLY
shoregal45 | @shoregal45 | Mar 4, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "@shoregal45 Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was..." + (show)
@jimhd

@shoregal45

Because I live in a rural area, keeping therapists is a real problem. I was a client with Lutheran Community Services for 8-9 years, and they hire therapists cheap so they can do their one year internship here, after which, they waste no time moving to greener pastures. I had to start all over with a new therapist every year. Then the hospital hired a therapist who would have a very limited number of clients. They stayed a little more than a year, but not much. After the last one, it took them 18 months to fill the position. Robert came last April, and has indicated that he plans to stay here. I don't know if I can handle losing another therapist and starting all over again. I have to go through the painful process of telling my story. I hate doing that.

My pcp is approaching retirement, and I'm not looking forward to finding another one. He's been a really good doctor for 12 years.

Our daughter-in-law is a nurse practitioner, and works in a private practice with 3 doctors. She only schedules 3 patients an hour. In her previous positions she saw many people in their homes. I think I'm going to talk with her and see what she says about finding a new doctor. I've seen a couple of doctors at my doctor's clinic as a walk in appointment and been pleased with them. I haven't yet asked my pcp how soon he's going to retire, but he might not know at this point.

Grief is a personal thing. We each process it in our own way and at our own pace. I hope that you are able to find a doctor with whom you're comfortable and compatible, Jane.

Jim

Jump to this post

DWB is a fabulous organization and would certainly influence my decision-making. Jane

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