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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@kristap31 I am so sorry for all you have been through. The loss of a child must be unimaginable grief and then to have another child so gravely ill sounds unbearable.
I am happy for you that you have done so well being able to find some joy despite your grief. I am sure that is very difficult some days.
JK
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4 Reactions@georgette12 I am so sorry for your loss. How old was your son? We had a nephew who also died by suicide and I know how devastating it was to everyone. He was in college. My brother was very close to him, had been a surrogate father pretty much, and I don't think he ever totally recovered from it, he passed away a year later.
JK
Thank you. I have never heard the analogy of the railroad tracks, that is so true. Thank you for sharing that.
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2 ReactionsThank you. My son was 51 when he took his life. He talked about it and planned it yet I was unable to stop him. I would say the worst part of this is feeling that I could have stopped him or saved him somehow. There would be no words that I would hear that will make me feel less guilty. But I keep trying to see it differently. Blessings.
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2 Reactions@georgette12
One of my therapists talked with me several years ago about deserved and undeserved guilt. It was helpful for me to work through areas of guilt, separating the deserved from the undeserved. As I worked through that I was able to release the wrong guilt, and stop letting the incident or person have control of my life.
That's not an easy task. I don't know if I'd ever have been able to do it on my own, but having a good therapist to talk about stuff I'd never verbalized made it possible.
I suppose that you know about my history of suicidal ideation. It's almost like a trance. When you reach the point of putting a plan into action, and having decided to do it, the suicidal mind is not in rational mode. Suicide becomes the only rational solution for whatever is causing pain. Explaining that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is total nonsense to the suicidal mind. Of course, it's a permanent solution! That's exactly what I want!
At the moment I attempted suicide, my brain was shut down in terms of remembering the reasons for staying alive. Those reasons become irrelevant. I know it's sad, but it's true.
Over the past ten years I've been able to recognize the early warning signs, and in time the reasons I want to live come back into focus. I wish that suicidal thoughts would disappear, but it's a little like neuropathy, in that some things will be with me for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused my wife and children. That regret is part of the "rest of my life" package.
Like so many other things, it's hard to explain to someone who's never had those thoughts. I'm sorry for the pain you carry, even though it's a little bit lighter than at first. I hope what I've written isn't upsetting to you.
Jim
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2 Reactions@georgette12 i am sorry that undeserved guilt adds to your grief. It must be such a nagging thought, but you do have to not feel guilty. I’m sure you did everything possible to dissuade him, but he was determined. He must have been in a lot of pain to not see a better tomorrow.
JK
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1 ReactionThank you for saying that my son must have been in a lot of pain. That's what I'm learning about suicide. That kind of anguish and searing pain does not always have an antidote. That understanding has probably helped me the most.
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3 ReactionsJim, thank you so much for your thoughts. Definitely not upsetting to hear. And I identify personally with suicidal ideation. I've gone through that as well and still do. It's very helpful to hear what others have to say. Any input always welcome. Blessings.
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3 Reactions@georgette12 I'm so sorry for your lose . My nephew by marriage committed suicide . He was schizophrenic and we all even his Mother felt he was tired of taking the meds and the awful feeling he had so he jumped of a overpass It was horrible not to diminish your son,s . Try not to beat yourself up as it wasn't your fault.
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4 ReactionsMy son was a schizophrenic as well. He suffered terribly. I really do understand that kind of pain.
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