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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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One last thought. Have you heard of The Compassionate Friends? It's an international organization for those who have lost a child and family members too. Go on line and enter the search words The Compassionate Friends. The website will appear. There may be a chapter near you. This is the only organization and understands my loss and encourages me to say Helen's name. You will find understanding and support at chapter meetings and I recommend it highly.
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2 Reactions@paddingtonk I'm so sorry for your loss of your son. I didn't lose my son but my husband in 2000 you will never forget and you shouldn't just think of all the fun you had with him and the happy times how he made you love, and the joy he gave you . He will always be in your heart and you will think of him everyday but I don't think he would want you to be without him and you aren't he is with you as your guardian angle maybe thinking of him this way will give you some peace . Hoping time will heal some of your lose but you will never forget as I haven't my husband .
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3 ReactionsLovely thoughts, @lioness
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2 Reactions@paddingtonk Each person carries their grief in their own time, in their own way. I hope that you won't have to endure the thoughtless things people too often say, like "You should be over this by now." Or "Isn't it about to move on?" People usually have good intentions, but instead of encouragement, they inflict pain upon the pain that's already there.
The grief never goes away, but I like how you put it, I'm learning how to carry it. I won't presume to tell you how that looks. The Bible directs us to laugh with those who laugh and mourn with those who mourn. It doesn't tell us to judge the mourner, but to come along side them and join them where they are.
I've sat with a number of people who were grieving, and usually had no words to speak, and given my own grief, more often than not, silent presence speaks most loudly and eloquently. I would pray God's peace and comfort for you in the midst of your grief. I believe that he grieves with those who grieve. Please know that you're not alone.
I trust that I haven't said anything that adds to your pain. Please accept the condolences we offer.
Jim
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3 ReactionsSarah, I am deeply sorry the loss of your son. I have buried a baby boy, it was almost three years ago that he died unexpectedly. I too used to have a cheerful, upbeat personality and things have changed so much. My friends who haven't experienced deep loss just don't get it, and it annoys me when they try to look on the bright side of my son's death. I don't think we ever need to find something positive about death do we? I am learning that grief and joy can live together. After my son's death, my six month old went into multi-organ failure and nearly died. We spent five weeks in the PICU and go back often to the hospital. I hear the flight for life helicopters and they haunt me. Every time I go back (in my mind) to the PICU and the near loss of my second son and the death of my first. It is hard to process all these things as not many of my friends have been through such trauma and shock. I wish you strength and thank you for sharing about your precious boy. He sounds like such a smart, charming little guy.
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6 Reactions@paddingtonk . I want to tell you that my son died on August 13, 2016 by suicide. There are no words that will provide comfort, ever. But I have found comfort from ordinary people like those of us on this forum. People who have been through the unimaginable feelings that we have gone through and still go through. Blessings.
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4 Reactions@paddingtonk I am so sorry for your loss. To me the grief that a person must feel from the loss of a child is unimaginable. I don't think you ever get over it but as time goes on you can hopefully have it more in the background of your emotions.
Hugs, JK
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3 ReactionsThank you all for the wonderful support. I am so glad I saw this group. I needed a lift right now and God sent me you guys. Henry was a wonderful little boy and I will continue to honor his memory. Thank you so much.
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4 ReactionsOne of the best ways we can help one another is to listen--a true gift.
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4 Reactions@kristap31
My sympathies to you in the unexpected loss of your son. Unexpected deaths have a profound effect on us that is different from other losses. I can imagine that you have had a change in personality.
I like what you said, "I am learning that grief and joy can live together." I've heard it said that life after a loss is like a railroad track. In other words, daily life is lived on one track and the grief and loss represent the other track and yet they run side by side. So while you are experiencing grief you are also getting on with your daily life.
I wish you strength and peace as you travel both tracks.
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6 Reactions