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Mentor

Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

muppey | @muppey | Apr 9, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@hopeful33250
Hope you're there right now. I think I posted to you but my head isn't working right now.
My x just called and hung up on me and I'm not sure what to do. I've gone no contact with her and really am confused at the moment. Should I call back or just wait it out.
I know some people will play games with your head and I'm not into games at the moment and feeling kind of mean.
Got a clue.

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Apr 9, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey

Did you call Mary back yet, Mark? I don't think it's necessarily required. If she had something to say, she should call again. I wonder if she hung up or if someone else cut her off. Were you having a good conversation with her when the call ended?

I know that life can be hard and complicated for all of us. I'm glad you're finding the AA group helpful.

Jim

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muppey | @muppey | Apr 10, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@jimhd,
Hi Jim, you are on my list. I'm not real good at praying but I try. I've been trying to do things and my mind got all messed up. Only excuse I got!
The pain is still here and I didn't need this today. Yes I was feeling stronger but can't take this very well, prefer not at all.

The phone call was from Mary and it was a hang up call. Just heard one word and then the hang up. She sent an email but it was just a nothing. I'd sent her some of her mementos which do not pertain to me at all but are pre-meeting stuff. I still need to send her some jewelry and two other box's of her stuff which has nothing to do with me, that which pertains to me and her is gone, unless something turns up....you know! Cleaning out the barn and office and the corners of the house. A fair amount of stuff but it's all going through the mail as I get around to it.
This is not a "Mark is being nice to Mary"! This is strictly for me! Selfish or not that's what it is. It's her personal stuff and I don't think it right to dump it or throw it on my burn pile.
I won't respond to her email because she is mean but thinks she can get away with her attitude so I'm doing nothing. My niece also told me not to call her back.
If she calls I'll attempt to talk nice to her. It's very difficult to forgive someone who keeps it up. In the past she thought she was being clever with some response's she's given to people and it only hurt them, and me!
A lot of this is hind sight on my part but I have a pretty good memory. Some things I won't talk about and just leave them in the back of my head, I know grudges can hurt me, been there on a forty year grudge which got purged, painful but mostly gone. I don't like to worry about some things like, "Do you know what so and so did?".
I want peace and I'll get it but not with vindictiveness, I know that! I'll forgive, and I told her I'd work on it but she needs to stop being "worthy", which her new church teaches her! I am unworthy in her eyes and their eyes, and therefore I'm not deserving. I know what I'm saying, she told me this stuff and I researched the churches teachings.

Mary hasn't offered one word of apology to me! I think when you ruin someone and still want a limited amount of "What's up?" you should have some respect. She knows she put me in the hospital, her girlfriend the xray tech told her. I didn't want Mary to know for a very good reason.

When I was still in severe shock the first week, she called and told me she'd call every month and "check up on me." Well I'm just thrilled out of my mind to get sarcastic calls from her. When she gets smart ass with me I tell her "Have a nice day! Bye!" Rude of me, but really rude of her to make fun of me like this is some kind of comedy.

Sorry for the rant, but I've found that if you guys allow this from me it helps. I'm teachable and trying but I see no reason to allow her to torture me. I don't hate her, just extremely shocked and highly disappointed that this once sweet person could turn so mean.

Listening to Hymns right now 'Be Still My Soul', 'A Mighty Fortress Is Our God'. Bedtime music, good for the spirit. 2nd Chapter of Acts is the name of the band and one of the better ones. If you like, go to youtube and look them up, worth it.

I really don't want to fall into the hypocrite category so if you see something let me know, please. I'll consider it. We all can heal, right attitude is what the Master wants from us.

I'd like a more cordial talk with you because I'm me. Not a great photographer but I got a decent pic of my old blossoming plum tree which I pruned some, it looks good but not much fruit. We'll see in October, I think, maybe earlier whenever it ripens.

Thank you for listening. We all hate pain and that's what we are working out on this forum, I'm thankful I found you guys.
Mark,
ps: and I really do care for all the hurting people here!
I'm still confused and my brain is still rattled.

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 10, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey Mark,

I appreciate that you continue to post and share your experiences and feelings with us all. You are doing yourself a tremendous service and also helping others to recognize their own feelings.

I am glad that you are part of this online community. Keep up the good work you are doing. It will make a difference (even if it does not always feel like it). As they say in 12-Step Meetings - keep coming back!

Teresa

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 10, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey Mark,

I just now saw your message. I think Jim's advice below was good. A call back was not necessary but OK, it you did call her back.
If it was important she will probably call back.

Teresa

REPLY
2011panc | @2011panc | Apr 10, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey Thank you for sharing here. I agree that it is good to get everything out in a safe place and I am glad we have both found this forum. I have tried other groups that did not turn out to be supportive or understanding. I think t has a great deal to do with the moderators and this group, in my opinion, has great moderators. I have no suggestions today, just a pat on the back for keeping yourself busy and clearing out to make the place more "yours". You continue in my prayers and today I am sending you a big panda hug! Blessings.

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 10, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@2011panc,
This is a great site and it's helped me a lot. Hope you are doing well and/or better anyway.
It's interesting to monitor my heart rate when I go to my meetings. I'm very conscious of this as it goes a hundred miles a minute and there's nothing I can do about it. When I get to a meeting my heart gets quiet and rests, how about that, I just may need to do that more often!

A few weeks ago I told my brother I'd get rid of this now if it was possible. I know everyone on this forum would like to be rid of the pain but it doesn't seem to go away.

Yesterday Mary called and hung up when I answered the phone. When I got back from a meeting she had sent me an email which I read and deleted. The trouble is it started me back to Feb 1 and I can't stop it. I had a job set for 10 am today but now I have to cancel it. It's not an emergency job but I could use the money. It's electrical work so I need to be a bit sharper than I am right now.
Not getting much work anyway but these heart, mind and spirit (attacks???) seem to come at the wrong time. This is the second job I've had to cancel.

One of the ladies here, can't think who, wrote that this thing goes in zig zag. Guess she's right! I was doing well after posting the pictures because that was fun and made me laugh and Jim's pics were nice. Oh well, I'll see the doc next week, probably say "Ok everything looks good! Have a nice day."

I'm going to get better.
Thanks
Mark

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Apr 11, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey

Knowing how expensive it is to mail things, I had a thought that I'd just throw out. Rather than mailing things to Mary, and spending money you don't have, you could consider laying things out and taking a picture of them, and sending the pictures in an email to see if she wants any of the stuff she left behind. If she'd cooperate with that, you could only send her the things she actually wants, and she might agree to have you toss or donate the rest. Just a random thought that paused on its way through my mind.

I'm trusting that the day will soon come when the pain associated with the ghost event will have less traumatic impact on you. I hope you can move forward with your life more quickly than I have.

I visit a lady who is 104 every Monday. This week I took a boombox and played a tape for her of me playing some hymns on the piano. We sang along with a couple of the songs - Holy, Holy, Holy and How Great Thou Art. I'm trying to find a microphone to record more songs for her. She enjoyed listening and singing along. She's a faithful Episcopalian believer who's looking forward to seeing Jesus in Heaven. She has an amazing memory and I enjoy hearing her talk about her life. She lived in McCloud for awhile - her family had several mills in which her husband worked, and they had one up in the woods near McCloud, as well as one that they started here in central Oregon in the 30s. She loves it that I can Google so many things that are part of her history. I wish she weren't too blind to see the pictures I pull up.

I started knitting a scarf yesterday that I'm going to give to my therapist. Unfortunately, it will be awhile before it will be cold enough again for him to wear it. It takes about a minute and a half for each row, not taking into account any redo's I have to do. I get distracted too easily and lose count of the stitches in the pattern. Sometimes my wife has to bail me out when I do something wierd that I can't figure out how to correct.

I hope you'll soon be able to do those jobs that are waiting for you.

Jim

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muppey | @muppey | Apr 11, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@jimhd,
Hi Jim, Thanks for your advice! Hope you're doing well. I attempt to not go into being depressed but sometimes people act funny.
Maybe I'm acting funny now but I don't see any reason to allow her to poke me.
The stuff I'm sending to her is personal to her only and has no ties to me. I've sent about half of it and the other stuff I'll sort and send in May.
I'm not in contact with her for good reason, so I won't ask her permission for anything. The old family pictures I'll take out of their frames and send the photos only, pictures of her great grand parents, and other things which mean nothing to me.

I know these things take time to heal over or at least stop bleeding.

I'm trying to make friends with some guys but it isn't easy because I've learned to distrust people and more so now. Can't believe they'd treat anyone that way, they have an idea in their heads that they are Christian. I know wrong and I know right, I've been wrong on many things but they think all they have to do is baptize dead people and they can discard their sin. Because of this they don't think they need to apologize. Think I'm crazy? Look up 'The God Makers', YouTube will work for that. It's weird!

Is that lady in a rest home or at her own home? It's good to visit with them because I know they get lonely. My grandmother live to be 106 and I used to visit her at the rest home on Wednesday after work. I'd bring those small bottles of wine, some chess and crackers and we'd have a little party. One day she accused me of giving her the wine so that she'd go to sleep and I could leave. Funny lady. Sometimes she did fall asleep but that's not why I brought the wine. Earlier, when she was at home she'd be having a spell and Dad would go over there and call the Doc and he'd tell Dad to give her a shot of brandy. Guess it worked. Says so in the Bible.
Keep on knitting and have fun. Life can be mean and little niceties help smooth things over.
Maybe in twenty years I will be nice to Mary but I don't expect to ever see her again. I'm not going down there and they have no reason to come up here, besides, I'd tell them to go away...not nice I know. Sue me!
Mark

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Apr 12, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey

Mark,

The lady is in a nursing home, never out of bed anymore. A few weeks ago I printed and framed several pictures that the archivist from her high school in Seattle sent me, and hung them in her room. She was excited about that and said she's been showing them to friends and caregivers. I take communion to her every few weeks - that means a lot to her. I have a small communion set that my wife gave me years ago, very useful for this purpose. It has 4 little communion glasses, a little brass tray for the bread, and a small bottle for the wine or grape juice. She would prefer that I served wine, but I don't drink it, though I suppose I could buy a bottle for the purpose.

I'm pretty familiar with the Mormon teaching. I grew up in upstate New York a few miles from the place Smith allegedly saw the angel. His high school English teacher said that he was a very creative writer as a child. One of my aunts grew up just across the road from the "sacred" hill. Was it Gomorrah? I think he wrote about the angel Moroni. It's been a long time since we lived there, so my memory is pretty vague. We have a good book written by the daughter of one of the high bishops in Salt Lake City. She separated from the group (I find it hard to call it a church), and is quite explicit in what she says about their beliefs and practices. Some pretty amazing stuff. "Leaving the Saints" by Martha Beck. It's a very good book.

Depression entered my life in a significant enough way to need treatment around 2000. It's been a long journey back to what I call my new normal. Recovery has been made more difficult by being a pastor, especially where I was at the time, in a small (247), remote village where time had stood still for 50 years. People hung on to some archaic concepts about mental illness. The stigma lives large in places like that, but certainly not limited to the small rural areas. Our society has a lot to learn when it comes to mental health issues. I know I've learned a lot over the past 18 years. It can be rough learning it from the inside out.

My therapist wishes that I would talk about the issues with my wife, but I don't want to cause her more stress than necessary. It's enough that she has to live with me.

Time to get to sleep. I'm glad to have these conversations with you and others here.

Jim

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