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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

muppey | @muppey | Mar 28, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@littleonefmohio, OK, call me weak, I just got back from the store where I bought five cigars. Fat ones. I've been sucking on those nicotine lozenges and that's no fun. Not a candy sucker either.
Don't follow my example, this is the first day. I hope you're able to stop smoking.
How's the heart ache doing? You doing any better? These things hang on for far to long. How do you get a loved one out of your mind along with missing them?
Still hurts here but it's getting more like spring and the pear trees trying to blossom.
Today I got an email from Mary's sister, it was nice, they find and rebuild really rare old house trailers. It's kind of amazing because Dan snoops these trailers out and when he gets there the things are sometimes partly buried and total wrecks. He brought one to a Murphys show at a fancy winery so naturally we went to see the thing. It was amazing what the guy did on that trailer. What got me is the thing had a littleone log wood burner just tucked up and fire safe.
I replied to them and told them I wouldn't be going down to Lodi for their next show in April, not supposed to drive and it's to far for me.
Anyway I'll keep your stop smoking in mind. And I will not promise I'll stop, but I will say I'll try. To much money anyway.
Take care!
Mark

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muppey | @muppey | Mar 28, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area." + (show)
@jimhd

A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area.

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@parus, When I first got here in 98 I planted a few mellons. I'd noticed the hippies had great plans with a huge water system and grape stakes and they abandoned it all. Anyway I looked at that and thought I'd do a small plot without fencing. Everything was fine until things got ripe. Went out there one morning and just naked vines stretching out like a goofy octopus, with no suckers.
What?
Take care!
Mark

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@missy4396 If you go to the bottom of the email you will find an "unsubscribe" link. However, you will need to "unsubscribe" from each discussion group from which you receive emails. Give that a try.

Teresa

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area." + (show)
@jimhd

A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area.

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@muppey

I put up the fence for the same reason, as well as to keep the dogs out. I learned that the 5' fence wasn't enough to keep the deer out, so I added some 10' t-stakes and ran a few strands of barbed wire. Trouble is, the gophers and voles still wreak havoc, both in the garden and in the lawn out in front of the house. It's an ongoing battle.

Our well was lowered to 110' a few years ago, but I can only run one sprinkler at a time. I don't want to pour more money down that hole, so we try not to ask more of it than it can deliver. I have around a dozen soaker hoses in the garden and flower beds - more than a dozen, and run a low flow of pressure to them. Too much pressure makes them become fountains. Using soakers instead of sprinklers helps keep the weeds down. Weed barrier cloth and mulch help, too.

My landscaping goal is to make it lower maintenance and less irrigation. And deer repelling. They love roses, so I only have one, a climber, and have fencing around it. I have to have fencing around the orchard, as well. Deer have done serious damage to a few of the trees.

We have a real problem with ground squirrels, too. I spent a lot of time in the spring and summer trapping them. The locals call them sage rats, but they're technically Townsend ground squirrels. They make big holes in the pasture, and I'm afraid a horse or cow will step in them and be injured. Often when a horse breaks a leg it has to be put down. That's a substantial financial loss.

Well, the sun is shining, so I should probably get outside and do something.

Jim

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hope4happy | @hope4happy | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @punkinpie "My mother just passed away this last weekend, Jan 13, 2018. I must not be handling..." + (show)
@punkinpie

My mother just passed away this last weekend, Jan 13, 2018. I must not be handling it well cause all I want to do is eat chocolate and sleep. She smoked her entire life, and in the last 10 years got very little exercise. She had an office chair that she would roll around in in the kitchen. Rarely did she walk anywhere, only to the bathroom and bed. She had such a hard time getting enough air (COPD) and it scared her when she couldn't catch her breath. I am about 3 hrs away for the last 18 months, so we didn't spend a lot of time together, but we did talk a lot on the phone. Towards the end that was hard too cause you can't breath you can't talk. I kept telling her she needed to get up and walk, but she wouldn't. So now at 57 I will never be able to talk to her again. Its not that she gave me such stellar advice, it was just that I had someone to listen to me. I have not made any close friends here (Rochester, MN) but I have people at work to talk to, but you have to be careful what you tell them too. I don't want things spread all over the place. So I mostly talk to my little dog. He always has time to listen to me, his Mama. Mom and I both have depression. I hate this feeling of being alone. It is worse now. I cry at every little thing. Like I am not even taking my medicine. But I am. Is this crying, feeling sorry for myself. Is this how my life will be now. I hate crying, but some days I can't seem to stop. My daughter said it best. She said it comes in waves. I have lived so long suffering with "waves" of depression, I don't know if I a am strong enough to bear this too.

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pumkinpie I'm sorry for your loss I lost my grandma last year in october 2017 she smoked all her life too she had cancer for 5 years and her and I would share stories and laught or cry over the years sometimes we didn't get along but we was very close she was a strong woman I keep waking up at 3 too 5 am every morning for the first time I last night I slept a good few hours got up at 8 am. I hope God heals you too.

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2011panc | @2011panc | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@muppey I apologize for not responding to this post sooner. Yesterday was not a good day for me and I did not do much on the computer. Today is better and I am so happy I was able to get a haircut, do some shopping and take a long walk at the warehouse store. I am recovering from back surgery and right now walking is the only exercise I am cleared to do. I was really in bad shape physically before the surgery, so I have a long way to go. I am looking forward to restarting physical rehab, hopefully next month. Before the surgery I had to use a wheelchair for shop and still had pain. SO glad to bid that pain farewell! My initial walking goal was 500 steps a day. Not much but still a reach for me at that time. This morning I took 800 steps at the store with no pain. What a relief and good feeling.
Saw one of my hateful family members at the store. On the way home I asked my husband if he had seen her, but he had not. I commented that she always looks so mad and that must be a sad life. He surprised me when he said that I don't look very happy when I shop either. Good to know! I told him it is probably because I am concentrating so hard. I told him I always smile at the children. Like you, I love children. Also, 24 hour pain for over a year doesn't make for good facial expressions either.
You asked for my help with Mezi. I am not exactly sure what help you need, but if it is that you are uncomfortable befriending her because she is a younger, cute female, I say that is a limitation you are putting on yourself. I have had several very close male friends during my lifetime. I know many people misjudge male/female friendships and often assume "something more" is going on. As far as her letting you know that she is available to talk after her son goes down for the night, I think she is just letting you know that is would like to talk more with you without being interrupted by her son or having to hold back on certain topics because he might overhear. Nothing more than that. It certainly takes care of the possibility of people's misconceptions about your relationship with her. With that in mind, when you do meet it is good to meet in public areas so that people can clearly see that you are just friends. I say this because some people tried to start a rumor about me having an affair with one of my male friends. He was so mad when he found out that he stood up at the next community meeting and addressed it by saying that anyone who had questions about our relationship should talk directly to either of us or my husband. We are all friends so they should "get their minds out of the gutter" just because they cannot handle befriending certain people.
Like you, I like to help people and just do whatever I can when I see a place that I can help. Also like you, I do not keep a tally and have often been confronted with questions like, "when did you ever do anything for me"? My standard response is that I don't keep track, it is not a contest, it just is what I do. Why do some people always try to make things a contest? Those people tire me.
I hope you have nice plans for Easter Sunday. We are invited to my sister-in-laws for dinner. Since it is April 1st I plan to call her just before we arrive and tell her that we are not coming. I love pulling April Fool's pranks. I feel a little guilty about not spending the day with my mother, but hopefully we can go see her Saturday to make up for not seeing her on Sunday. It has been over a month since I was able to see her and I know she looks forward to my visits and worries about my health.
Thank you for befriending me. It means more to me than I think you know. Blessings.

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2011panc | @2011panc | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @georgette12 "This grief thing is hell. There is no way to put it. I am terribly sorry..." + (show)
@georgette12

This grief thing is hell. There is no way to put it. I am terribly sorry for your loss punkinpie. My grief therapist reminds me that the first year we are usually in shock. The second year and thereafter we are often feeling some tough feelings. It is important to monitor who you allow yourself to be around. I lost a friend i had known for 40 years because she would not "allow" me to mourn my son.

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@amberpep I can relate to your feelings about your dad not knowing you. My mother has dementia (they don't call it Alzheimer's) and I have tried to prepare myself for the day she does not know me. Her dementia has progressed very slowly and I am hopeful that she will pass before she no longer knows me. That is selfish on my part, I know, but I look for whatever comfort I can. Of greater concern for my mother is her arthritis and osteoporosis. Her entire skeletal system is heavily involved and she lives every day in varying degrees of pain. I know when it is a really bad day when she uses her wheelchair. She sees that as giving in and giving up. Thankfully we have been able to convince her that safety is better than risking a fall when she has a bad day. When she does pass I know I will have the same mixed feelings I had when my father died. I was relieved that he not longer was in pain but missed him not being available to me. Not that I lean on either of them heavily for support, but just knowing that I could see or talk to him every day was a comfort.

I also relate to your questionable lack of grief for your mother. One of my siblings tortured and abused me when I was a child and I cannot honestly say that I was sad when he died or that I have ever missed him. Sometimes I feel a little guilt about that. I have to leave that one in God's hand. He knows everything already and I trust Him.

You remain in my prayers for peace and comfort during this transitional time in your life. Blessings to you.

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muppey | @muppey | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area." + (show)
@jimhd

A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area.

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Sounds like some fun work you put into your place. The age old water problem! The only roses that grow around here are wild rose and it's nuts getting rid of it. Some brush killer will take out small roses but when they get big seems they don't die.
How you doing otherwise?

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muppey | @muppey | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@2011panc, I sure hope your back surgery goes well. Back pain is awful stuff. Once in a while my lower back goes out somewhere, it never tells me until the pain sets in. You have a step counter? I'd never finish the count.
I have one sour puss in town, I did some work for them and returned some decking which I'd purchased but they wanted the money. It don't work that way honey. I'd go broke giving my money away??? Anyway her husband is a big ol' retired Marine and I was at the local little store gas station food etc. I saw the guy coming to the door as I was leaving. I put out my hand to shake his hand and he pulled his hand back and called me a "a blankety THIEF." There were about 20-30 guys outside drinking coffee and they all moved away from the two of us. Dang but that guy was a biggy. I just told him it was not his material and he just got madder and I left. Latter gave him the contractors Lic. Board number and told him to tell them his sorrows. They agreed with me.
Just another stupid going on. It doesn't do your reputation any good when someone let's the whole crowd that I am a thief. Darn lying stuff...This town has a population of 2300. Gossip goes fast like a jet plane.

Panc, Mezi came by the other morn with her toddler son and a breakfast sandwich for me. We talked for about two hours before she had to get to work.

Not doing anything on Easter. It'll take care of itself. Not supposed to drive anyway, I do but I could get in trouble for doing that.

Maybe I'll play John Denver's song, "Some days are Diamonds Some days are Stone..." It's a sad song but I like John. Lived in Half Moon Bay when he chose to dive his plane just off the shore.
Just reached for a Cigar and there aren't any...
Enough for the moment
Take Care.
Mark

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2011panc | @2011panc | Mar 29, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@muppey I only know about seizures from taking care of my youngest. He was born with brain damage affecting the emotional management of his brain. he started having seizures when he was about 6 months old. At the time they called them grand mal seizures, meaning that he lost consciousness and lost complete control of his entire body. I always thought that he knew I was there because when I touched him and talked to him the seizure seem to lessen some. He never came out on his own, I always took him to the ER and they would give him a shot of something, I don't remember what it was but it stopped the seizure. After a while I realized that with every seizure he lost knowledge and progress. He had to "relearn" things that he had been able to do before the seizure. Following the ambulance 100 miles to the nearest town with a neonatal pediatrician I remember praying. I started out asking God to keep him alive at least until I got there. Then I realized I wasn't sure that I wanted to hold him and watch him pass on. I ended up amending my prayer for God to take him or not, whatever He needed to do, but if he wasn't going to take him home He should give him enough healing to be able to live in comfort and not have to miss so much of life by spending so much time with seizures or in the hospital. That is the first prayer that I became aware that God not only listened to all our prayers but answered them also. My son is now in his 30s and has been mostly seizure-free since he was 7. It took a while to get the right medication and the dose kept changing during his growing years, but he is doing wonderfully well.

I also had a friend in high school that had seizures and was so elated when he had been seizure free long enough to get his driver's license. He drove everywhere and any time he could.

The closest I can come to that experience is passing out, having a bad hypoglycemic episode or coming out of anesthesia and having people tell me things I did or said but having no memory of it. I passed out at Wal-Mart once and remember the paramedic trying to get me to eat a glucouse tablet but I couldn't control my jaw to manage that. Next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital room with the nurse asking me if I knew where I was. I guessed I was in an ER somewhere but didn't recognize the room and thought they might have taken me to another town. They quickly set me straight on that. The paramedic had stuck around and came in to check on me before leaving the hospital. That was so nice. She was a teen that I had chaperoned and tutored when she was in high school.

I was completely worn out after every episode and my son seemed to be just as worn out after a seizure, so that is as close as I can relate. I can relate much more to losing my independence and ability to jump in the car and go wherever and whenever I wanted. Most days it didn't bother me much but there were a few days when I felt up to taking myself somewhere but was not sure I could get myself back. I am sure glad those days are in the rearview mirror. Even though I am not driving until I get off these opioids I am currently taking I'm okay with that. I'm down to 1 a day most days and just about ready to stop completely. I'll try again in a few days.

No cigar. Boo Hoo. You know I'm not sorry for you. lol Seriously, I hope you make it no matter how many times you have to quit. Blessings.

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